March 18, 2015

Would You Read It Wednesday # 166 - Freedom's Eve (PB) And The Continued Saga Of The Three-Way Tie

Long ago...

...in a galaxy far, far away...

PITCH PICK WARS!

What?

A little overly dramatic?

You think?

Okay, well, how about:

Two weeks ago...

... er, right here in the exact same place where we are right now...

(but don't think that just because we're all still here in the same place we are couch potatoes, or joined at the hip to our computers, or that we haven't gotten up for two weeks because we are taking the writer's commandment of butt-in-chair far too seriously and no those are NOT potato chip crumbs in the cushions)

...PITCH PICK THREE-WAY TIE!

I think the second version inspires the same goods bumps of anticipation as the first, don't you?  And I feel sure it's only a matter of time before George Lucas/Lucasfilms/Disney produces the blockbuster hit Pitch Pick Wars :)

Anyway, there we were, voting out little hearts out, and lo and behold a three way tie resulted.  Quel horreur!  What to do?

Many of you suggested random.org... which I almost did... but it seemed so, well... random... and the pitch pick is supposed to be based on merit.

Others suggested voting between the three that were tied... but I felt bad for the 4th one who was the only one not in the tie, and I didn't want anyone to feel bad.

So here's the plan:

We shall have a new vote on all 4.

If by chance we get another tie, I'm giving the pitchers fair warning that it will go to random.org.

I'm hoping this is fair, and that you guys don't mind voting again too much.  I have a special treat to reward you with right after!  So ready, set, VOTE!

#1 Kirsten - Finley VS. The Fly PB ages 4-8

When a pesky fly fixes his eye on Finley’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the game is on. Armed with a magazine, vacuum cleaner, and sink sprayer, Finley is determined to deliver a final blow to the buzz. But when Finley serves up the final swat and the fly lands — splat — on the sandwich, Finley wonders whether he’s really won after all.

#2 Kathy - King Of The Boards PB ages 4-8 (formerly Son of Boogie)

Dean dreams of matching his father's expertise on the boards–skateboards, surf boards, snowboards - but his flip flops at Half Pipe Park, and he wipes out at the beach. Monstrous moguls and an ice storm stop him cold on the slopes. While chillin’ at the ski lodge, Dean discovers a different board he rocks- a game board. KING OF THE BOARDS is a 332 word picture book that champions perseverance and finding your own groove.

#3 Robyn - Barebones The Skeleton PB ages 4-8

When BAREBONES loses his click-clack, he has to find it before the sun goes down, or he'll lose his Halloween job. With a little help from his pumpkin friend, he searches through water and wind trying to uncover where he lost it. Where he finds it is truly a musical surprise. 

#4 Joanne - The Animal Crackers PB ages 3-6

Meet the newest member of The Animal CrackersElephant wants to join his animal friends' jazz band, but every time he tries his trunk at an instrument, it ends tragically. After destroyed drums, harmonica havoc, and a tuba torpedo, Elephant discovers he's had music in him all along: it's as plain as the trunk on his face. 

Please vote below for the one you feel most deserves a read by editor Erin Molta by Friday March 20 at 9 PM EDT (when we will all be enjoying the first day of spring!!!)

Today's pitcher requested "a supremely rich chocolatey dessert... With peanut butter... Ooh, and caramel bits" for her Something Chocolate.  I know she's feeling a little anxious, so I did my best!  Plus, I promised you all a reward for voting a second time!

So here is an assortment - a smorgasbord of chocolatey peanut buttery caramelly deliciousness!  I feel sure there's something here for every taste (except maybe those of you who have the misguided sense to eat fruit, yogurt, and/or granola for breakfast... but don't worry, we love you in spite of your weird taste in breakfast :))

For the cake lovers: Chocolate Peanut Butter Torte
From Lemon Sugar - recipe HERE
From Lemon Sugar - recipe HERE

For the bar lovers: Peanut Butter Caramel Toffee Chocolate Chip Cookie Bard
From Mom On Timeout - recipe HERE

For the bonbon lovers:  5 Ingredient Salted Caramel Peanut Butter Truffles
From Minimalist Baker - recipe HERE
(and these, believe it or not, are vegan and gluten-free, so really, health food :))
Thank you all for voting again - I hope you enjoy the treats! :)

Today's pitch comes to us from Pamela who says, "I have a  love for reading and using music to increase descriptive language, which prompted me to create a music and literacy program called MyLMNOP (Language & Literature-Music-Naming-Oral language-Phonemic Awareness). Children love learning new vocabulary from books with beautiful, visual language. But I couldn’t find exactly what I needed. “I’ll write my own picture books, get them published this year (2005), and use them in my program.” Cut to 2012..writing courses (Making Picture Book Magic) webinars, retreats, and revisions of (fiction & nonfiction), poetry, and even Middle Grade drafts and I discovered it would take more than a year for me to meet my goal as writer extraordinaire. Thank you for helping me become a better writer."

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Freedom's Eve
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 5-8)
The Pitch: Ten year old Eve-Lynn grumbles about her name and spending her last day of the year observing Watch Night, “In an old barn with a bunch of old relatives.” She comes face to face with her namesake, Lil’ Eve. Through the eyes of her 102 year old aunt, Eve-Lynn learns to appreciate the history of her name and the significance of Watch Night. A nighttime vigil honoring her people, who watched and waited for the dawn of freedom. The first Watch Night of December 31, 1862, known as Freedom’s Eve.


So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Pamela improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in September so you've got a little time to polish up your pitches and send yours for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Pamela is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to the phone conversation with the head of Lucasfilms/Disney which I feel sure will occur at any moment.

Oh!  Hey!  Is that the phone???  :)

Have a wonderful Wednesday, everyone!!! :)


Reactions:

133 comments:

  1. You know, Susanna, if Erin has agreed to look at two, I am happy to gracefully bow out. I really appreciate all the feedback I received. As for today's pitch, I am fascinated by the story and would definitely read it. I just think the pitch needs some tightening. Maybe: "Ten-year old Eve-Lynn grumbles when forced to celebrate the tradition of "Watch Night" with her aging relatives on New Year's Eve. Through her grandmother's eyes, Even soon learns the significance of the vigil, which commemorates the night slaved watched and waited for the dawn of freedom on December 31, 1862." Also I don't know if you can make it more active. What does Eve do? Right now she is observing and learning, which are not the most active verbs.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Echoing what Kirsten said--um, the pitch part not the bowing out part. :-) I'd definitely read this, but I want to know what's the story for Eve-Lynn.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes, I'd definitely read it! The relationship of Eve-Lynn with her 102 year old aunt sounds like a great setup for a story. The history of Watch Night is intriguing and makes me want to learn more. Nice job, Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, yum! Chocolate and peanut butter! Susanna, did you catch that phone call? :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Mike Allegra writerMarch 18, 2015 at 10:38 AM

    Dang a real pitch grude match! I voted (again!)


    That said, I might need to stay away from this blog for a while, I'm afraid. I gave up sweets for Lent and, well, this place is riddled with temptations.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The chocolate and peanut butter snacks look delicious. What a tasty start to the day. Yum!

    I am so fascinated by this pitch. So yes, I would definitely read it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I may never recover from a chocolate coma but I voted before I passed out. ;)

    I would absolutely read Pam's story...it sounds awesome! I think we need more historic PBs and this is perfect. The only thing I think could be changed is the age of the MC. 10 sounds pretty old for a protagonist of a PB...but it's not a deal breaker because it's still a great story. Best of luck, Pam!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I may have changed my vote, but they are all good and now I'm not sure!!!
    P.S. My garage is full of girl scout cookies. So if you need a chocolate or peanut butter, just let me know:)

    ReplyDelete
  9. All that chocolate will certainly pick me and Pam up, Susanna. TY. YES, it would read it. This is a great peek into a history we don't know. I agree maybe MC's age might be too high, but am not sure cuz I can see this read in upper elementary and middle school, actually. Should the verbs grumbles and spending be parallel, though?

    ReplyDelete
  10. Susanna, needed all that chocolate after agonizing over the four pitches. Good luck to all!
    I would read it. We do need more Historic PB. I would also tighten it and tell us more about Eve-Lynn's part or role in the pitch.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Well, now that I'm completely set with any kind of dessert I could possibly need, I'm ready to comment. Oh, and I voted, too.

    Pam! I've seen this story in an earlier version, and I'm thinking you've addd a twist of tension between young and old. I would definitely read this, because it's such an interesting historical event that I've never read about anywhere else. I would just be careful of making it sound like the oldsters are teaching the youngster a lesson. If the child comes round to figuring things out herself, that's cool.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was going to say No, because I didn't have a clue what the story was about after reading the pitch 3 times. It's a bit embarrassing to say - I thought the characters were animals. After reading the other comments I realized I was way off track. & Kristen's suggested changes have me intrigued...
    I think the pitch needs to assume the reader knows nothing about the event. (I'm Canadian - maybe that's why?)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Peanut Butter Caramel Toffee Chocolate Chip Cookie Bar -- Oh, my! Thank you, thank you! Yes, I would read the story. It sounds like a terrific idea and I thought the pitch was just right.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oh yes, I would definitely read this, Pamela! LOVE the concept, the story, the character names (I'm sure I'll love the characters, too!) PLEASE can I read it now? Pretty please? :-D I am seriously enthusiastic about this one! I can totally see the illustrations... maybe by E.B. Lewis???

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi Pamela--I would read it! I'm intrigued to find out more about Freedom's Eve. Pitches that make me feel like I have something to learn get my attention. I wonder about Eve-Lynn's character arc. What does she DO to connect with her aunt, her history, and her name? What moves her to connection and pride?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Susanna...you are so very funny...I voted. :) And then I ate and ate and ate your delicious goodies...so now I am rolling over to try to lend a hand to Pamela and her AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING nonfiction picture book. I've got a bit of a heads up on many of you...I've read this story and it is...need I say it again...AMAZING!!!!
    Pamela...I can't wait to have this book on my bookshelf. :)
    Oh, so the question was, would I read it? You're darn tootin' I would!
    I do think the pitch might profit from a bit of tightening...although now that I read my fix, I'm not sure I made it any shorter. ;) ;)

    Ten
    year old Eve-Lynn grumbles about her name and certainly doesn't want to be spending her last day of
    the year in an old dirty barn. During the nighttime vigil honoring her ancestors who watched and waited for the dawn of freedom back in 1862, she comes face-to-face with her 102-year old aunt and learns to appreciate the history of her name and the significance of Watch Night, also known as Freedom's Eve..

    ReplyDelete
  17. My vote is cast, and I did not vote before so maybe it will help to shake up the tie. I would read today's pitch, I'm curious to learn more about Watch Night, and Eve's journey. I do think the pith could be tightened up a bit. I liked Kirstens suggestions.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I really like Jill and Kirsten's feedback. I love this story and would definitely read it. Be specific and tighten. I also got a bit confused when you intro the aunt. I had to read it twice to keep the names straight. Perhaps saying She comes face to face with her 102-year-old aunt Lil’ Eve. Eve-Lynn learns to appreciate the history of her name and the significance of Watch Night. … I'm also not sure you need to use namesake when you say she "learns to appreciate the history of her name …." This is a powerful story.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh and Thank you Thank you for asking for all that chocolate. I may try to make those truffles. Have a great day Pamela and Susanna!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I think your topic is worthy of a big YES. The pitch does seem to repeat a little and I'm not sure it's doing its job. First, I don't think you need the quotes. A pitch is supposed to give us a feel for the character's voice, so I think we get it without the quotation marks. I think you can eliminate the second sentence. Just add The name in the third, "Evelyn learns . . . Significance of Watch Night, through the eyes . . ." The last two sentences, while impotant, are just the theme, not the plot or action in the story. You'll need both theme and plot to entice an editor. Can you add a hook to the pitch? Something that will clue us in to Freedom's Eve as well as what Evelyn will be doing there?

    It sounds like you've got a great book. I hope you are able to convey that as you tighten your pitch. Congrats!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Voted! SUCH good pitches, folks!


    Pamela, you have peaked my interest about Watch Night. A great topic. I'd love to know what it is, straight away.
    I also like Kristen's advice about tightening the pitch (2-3 sentences) and telling us what Eve-Lynn does. Right now it sounds like she doesn't want to be there (conflict) but the adults teach her respect for the night (adults fix).


    E.g.: Eve-Lynn grumbles when her family makes her celebrate "Watch Night," a vigil honoring her people, who watched and waited for freedom in 1862. But when [this happens], Eve-Lynn [does something special/risky to resolve it.]

    ReplyDelete
  22. I wonder if I voted for the same story this time.... Who knows? I may have helped break the tie. ...or not.

    I agree that the pitch is wordy, but I get the idea. I'd toss the 102 year old aunt and stick to what happens with Eve-Lynn in the pitch. Also, there's probably a way to streamline the last 3 sentences. There's a lot of information there.

    ReplyDelete
  23. You've gotten some great advice already! I would definitely read. It stopped me a bit that Eve-Lynn was ten. I wondered why she wouldn't have learned about her name and the tradition before. It feels like something that important would have been emphasized in her life. But I know that's part of the story, not the pitch and I should button up. I agree that perhaps more active words could be used. Does Eve-Lynn dance and sing her way to understanding? If this is more a looking-back civil rights story like "Belle: last mule in Gee's Bend" maybe look at the catalogue description of that to see how the publisher handled it? Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  24. This story sounds fascinating Pamela! Did a little reading about it. Are you writing it as a non-fiction piece? Ten year old Eve-Lynn grumbles about spending New Year's Eve at "Watch Night", the night her community gathers for a vigil every year. But her 102 year old Aunt Eve's stories makes her proud to bear her family name and to hold the history of Freedom's Eve.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes, I'd definitely read your story. I love history and would like to know more about Watch Night. I agree with many of the comments of tightening your pitch, especially the first few sentences. What about adding an element of suspense to the pitch to pull the readers in…


    Hey Susanna I voted, and vicarously had one of your tastey snacks, mmmm!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I
    would definitely read it. But I'd also suggest having Eve-Lynn do some
    active things, and saying in your pitch what those are, so that it
    doesn't feel as if she is just learning by being brought along and told
    things. I think it is a great premise!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'd read it, for sure. I'm very intrigued. Just some minor suggestions in all caps: The Pitch: Ten year old Eve-Lynn grumbles about her name and spending Watch Night WITH A BUNCH OF OLD RELATIVES. BUT WHEN SHE MEETS her 102-YEAR-OLD namesake, SHE learns to appreciate the history of her name and the significance of Watch Night. LEAVE THE REST OUT--IT CREATES THE MYSTERY.

    ReplyDelete
  28. That was not an easy vote and I don't even know if I voted for the same one as before!

    For the pitch - it's a yes for me. It sounds like a very original concept with some interesting things going on. I do agree the pitch gets a little confusing and I liked the previous suggestion of cutting out the last 2 lines. Best of luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  29. I would definitely read Pam's book. I like how the pitch is shaping up! Maybe liven up the pitch a little more? A few suggestions below. Throw it out if it doesn't work with your vision of the story!

    Ten
    year old Eve-Lynn despises her name, but when she is forced to spend the last day of the year observing Watch Night with her old relatives, she comes face to face with her 102 year old aunt and namesake, Lil’ Eve. And as Eve-Lynn begins to see history through the eyes of her aunt, she learns that her name is a link to her people's past and the history of the first Watch Night in 1862. But will this gift from the past be enough to help Eve-Lynn learn to celebrate her present?

    Just some ideas. And as I said, I'd love to read your story!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Yes, I would definitely read this. Pitch needs some tightening, but others have given you great suggestions. This is a great idea for a story.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Boy Howdy, Susanna! You sure do take really good care of me. I am having seconds on all three treats. I'm on a diet and I'm being quite disciplined. Thank you for the opportunity to get feedback on my pitch. And yes, I voted. They are all really good. Why do you have George Lucas on hold?

    ReplyDelete
  32. Robyn is unable to access Susanna's blog, so she asked that I post her comments on Pam's pitch. :)

    Pam, The first two sentences need tightening. You use
    the word old three times. I didn't realize Eve was ten. Should she be
    younger? (I'm sorry about changing the age in your story.) It just seems
    maybe eight is an older PB age. Back to the pitch. Do you need to give
    us more voice in the pitch? Pitch formula: Eve would rather do what than
    be there for Watch night? But she can’t because the old folks want her
    there in the barn. What happens to help her see the importance of Watch
    night? I assume it is her aunt. Be careful that the aunt doesn't solve
    the problem for her though.

    What a great pitch already. I definitely want to read it.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Thank you Kirsten. I am glad you mentioned about Eve only being an observer. I never thought of that. Good eye. You got right to the gist of the problem in your version. Unfortunately, I write the way I talk. Waaaaay too much. Thank you again.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Barn animals, 'eh? Hahahaha! Well I've got some work to do on this thing. You're right Marla. I must make sure that I'm writing in a way that informs readers, instead of confusing them. I'm still laughing about the animal part. Thank you for your feedback.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Donna, where were you when I was trying to get this together. I love the words forced, link, gift. It's these little fixes that makes a pitch resonate with the reader. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Thank you so much Robyn! Your formula is Write On. I love it. This will certainly help me when I put butt in chair to re-work on this. I think you may be right about the age. I thought about that for sometime. How old should she be to grumble about her name, was one of the questions I asked myself. As for more voice, great idea. Yes, it does need that bit of flavor. Thank you so much, Robyn.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Oh thank you Patricia. I've been sitting on this for about a year. And now I'm just jumping in the water with this and I'm glad I'm doing this. Thank you for the encouragement on my story. I'll remember this during revision time.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thank you Cathy. Others have recommended getting Eve's voice in this pitch. That is something I'll definitely work on. I greatly appreciate your taking time out to stop by and give me feedback on this. Thanks you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Thank you so much Cheryl. I want to have people from all walks of live learn about this interesting tradition. Working more on that relationship will be an area of much work for me. You're wonderful for stopping by and giving me your support and feedback. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Cheryl, she had them on hold for so long. And when she finally answered her call, her mouth was filled with peanut butter nougat. Oh Susanna!

    ReplyDelete
  41. You already have a great foundation to work with. I think this sounds like a wonderful book!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Angela,thank you so much for the great encouragement. You know it is always so scary putting oneself out there ( I hardly ever say oneself, let alone write oneself; and here I've mentioned oneself four times). But I'm grateful for your support and encouragement. I'll definitely continue working on this.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Awww shucks, Donna. You're so kind. I'm up for takers on crits of this ms anytime. Hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  44. THANK YOU MY GIRL, Teresa! The age is a point I wrestled with for some time. I think you may be right if this is to be a pb. Still much work to do. Lots to learn. Thank you so much for giving me feedback. I appreciate it so much.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hmmm...parallel. Okay, so do you mean like make it a power of three sort of thing (see, some of that learnin' is paying off, right?)? She grumbles about her name, grumbles about spending her last night...., and grumbles about something else? Hate to have you give me feedback on my feedback, but...could you, huh? Thanks Sis.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I had more about Eve-Lynn and threw it out because I thought it dragged the pitch out too long. Now I see how much that information is needed. Okay, got it. I'll work on giving Eve a voice in this pitch. It's off to do some pitch work. Thank you so very much Maria.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Yes Jill, you saw an earlier rough draft. Wait. It's still in a state of rough draftiness. But I thank you for noticing the new twist. And thank you so much for the reminder of who is learning the lesson. I must be mindful of that. Good eye. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Oh Kim, you certainly can read it. You can read it now. E.B. Lewis doing my illustrations. Me likey the idea, A LOT!! Thank you so much for your enthusiasm for my story. Can't tell you how much it means.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Thank you so much for what you have offered to me. I hate to ask you to give me more feedback, but can you tell me if you think I should have answered all of your questions in my pitch? It seems you're saying what others have offered. They just don't get who Eve-Lynn really is. Do you think pondering those questions could help in resolving that issue of a voiceless Eve-Lynn in the pitch? Looking forward to your response. Thank you so very much. Love how you're getting me to focus.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Pamela, I'm the same way. Brevity is not my strong suit. Good luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
  51. That's right Lady Vivian, you have read my story. Your comments are so helpful. THEY ALWAYS ARE! You're a gem for stopping by to offer support and for giving me such great feedback on my pitch. Tightening up is hard for me. You've read my stories and know I do not know how to edit myself. I'm gonna keep working on this,. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Thank you so much Jean. I'm gonna work hard at editing this pitch and being more concise in my wording. I'm learning lots from each of you. Thank your for taking time to give me support. I appreciate it so much.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Donna, you nailed the pitch. I love the suggestion. Great job.

    ReplyDelete
  54. I would read this. I do not know how to fix the pitch as I am not great in the "pitching" area. But I love this concept and I would definitely read it.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Well, with what you have offered me, I've got some good tools to work with now. It was so scary posting. But I'm glad I did. Everyone is so supportive. Love my pitch through your perspective. Thank you again. See? See how long my response is. I was only going to say, Thank you. hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  56. Hey Jackie, you are so supportive and I greatly appreciate you taking time out to posting on my behalf. You're wonderful for that. I'm so glad you like the concept and I hope to make this and the revision of the story stronger. Thanks, girlfriend.

    ReplyDelete
  57. I would most definitely read Freedom's Eve! I love that the protagonist's name is Evelyn and has met her namesake Eve. I think the pitch is a bit wordy and can be tightened to be more effective. Maybe explain Watch Night in the beginning, Maybe have an original Watch Night ancestor have Eve in her name too and it could be some sort of secret code...okay, sorry, it's your story! I love this genre and think it is a heartwarming theme with tons of potential! Not sure I helped much as there were many great suggestions already.

    ReplyDelete
  58. How amazing are these treats? I just love Susanna for going to all the trouble of getting all of the treats that I asked for. She's a bonafide good friend, that Susanna of Blueberry Hill.

    ReplyDelete
  59. There goes that amazing editing eye of Stacy S. Jensen. Omit namesake. Got it. That makes sense the way you explained it. As I think more on your point, it adds a special quality, an additional note of interest regarding the history of her name. Great point. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  60. You did help. You just confirmed what I have in mind. I love when that happens. However, the way the pitch is now, you cant see that Lil' Eve is an older relative, and a former slave. I had another pitch that told that this event was being celebrated with Eve-Lynn in 1962. One hundred years after the first Watch Night when Lil' Eve, her aunt watched and waited in the barn for the Eman Proc to become law at midnight.

    Oooh, and I am so glad you think it has potential. Thanks buddy. Appreciate it. More chocolatey goodies for you.

    ReplyDelete
  61. I'm so glad it reads like an original idea, Ariel. I will work on shortening the pitch. I've gotten such good advice. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Okay, so you're another one calling this a mystery. I'm beginning to like that notion. Now that is intriguing to me. In all caps: THANK YOU!! Totally appreciate how you edited this down a bit. Not good at that type of fixing at all. So glad I got up the courage to post my pitch. You've given me some good stuff to work with. Thank you Johnell.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Message received. Thank you so much for this great, great advice. Someone else mentioned Eve-Lynn merely being an observer. You've echoed that sentiment and I totally get it. How could I not see this before? She is just being, not doing, no voice. SUCH GREAT FEEDBACK. Thank you, Susan

    ReplyDelete
  64. Michelle, do you mean by adding a question to the pitch? Shaking head in a "this could work" fashion. I've got much to work with from all that you have offered me. I'm glad that I'll have a chance to play around with different ways of adding suspense, mystery (as someone else suggested), a stronger voice, more active engagement. So many new ways to see this pitch. I appreciate this so much, Michelle. Thank you for taking time to lend me support and encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Great suggestion on the rec Wendy. I'll do just that. I think the age threw everyone. Actually the story that is shared with her, the tradition, the meaning of Watch Night helps her to gain an understanding and an appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

    ReplyDelete
  66. "It sounds like you've got a great book. I hope you are able to convey that as you tighten your pitch" And therein lies the trick. I just had to cut and paste that line. This is the purpose right, Joanne. And I feel that you have given me something so fruitful to work with. A hook to the pitch. This has been mentioned by a few people, but said in different ways. So I am glad to see it being emphasized here. I'll be using this advice as a tool as I revise. I am grateful. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Rosi, aren't those goodies Da Bomb? I am glad you like the idea of this pitch. Thank you so much for your encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Brevity is MY strong suit. I am the QUEEN of brevity! I have never been known to say something in 100 words that could be said just as well in 1 :)

    ReplyDelete
  69. Yes, I write too many words, all saying the same thing. I talk like that too. So no Lil' Eve in the pitch? Too confusing? Okay, I will give that some consideration. The great thing about being a writer (and yes, I finally started calling myself a writer) is that I can write and re-write until I am satisfied with the end result. Thank you so much for your feedback Genevieve.

    ReplyDelete
  70. This formula is what is missing. You're not the only one to mention it to me. So that means I must take this into strong consideration. I will. I have. And I greatly appreciate what you have offered to me in way of editing/revising and getting to the kernel of what it is I want to present. Thank you so much. Your words to me are greatly appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
  71. That is very kind of you, Kirsten, I appreciate it. Erin has agreed to do two in the past once or twice, but I haven't asked her yet this time... We'll see how the voting comes out. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Pam :)

    ReplyDelete
  72. Thanks so much for chiming in for Pam, Marla! Every reaction is helpful. It's good to know how our work strikes others - sometimes we really miss things :)

    ReplyDelete
  73. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with Pam, Angie. I know she'll find them helpful. Every opinion counts! :)

    ReplyDelete
  74. Thanks so much for your enthusiasm for Pam, Jackie! Gut-level reaction is just as important and nit-picky pitch fixing :)

    ReplyDelete
  75. Thank you for sharing Robyn's thoughts for Pam, Cheryl, and Robyn, if you can read this (even though apparently you can't comment! - sorry about my horrible blog!) thank you so much for taking the time to share your helpful thoughts with Pam - you make some good points!

    ReplyDelete
  76. Alas, it was a wrong number. George has apparently not realized that he is missing out on the movie deal of a lifetime. He'd better call me quick! :) The great thing about MY treats is that they are perfect for diets - they actually HELP you become trimmer :)

    ReplyDelete
  77. Thanks so much for chiming in for Pam, Pat! :)

    ReplyDelete
  78. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with Pam, Donna, and for your helpful re-wording of the pitch! :)

    ReplyDelete
  79. Thank you for voting again, Ariel! Maybe if you voted differently the tie problem will be solved :) Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  80. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments for Pam, Johnell! I know they'll be helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  81. Excellent point about the action, Susan! Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  82. Thanks so much for voting, Michelle, and glad you enjoyed the snacks that I slaved over a hot stove to make for you :) And thank you for your helpful comments for Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  83. Thanks so much for your enthusiasm for Pam's idea, Keila, and for your helpful comments on the pitch!

    ReplyDelete
  84. Thank you for your wonderful thoughts and excellent suggestions for Pam, Wendy! Very helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  85. Thank you for -re-voting, Genevieve! Fingers crossed you broke the tie :) And thank you for your helpful comments for Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  86. Thank you so much for voting, Stacy, and for your very helpful comments and pitch-re-wording for Pam! :)

    ReplyDelete
  87. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments for Pam, Joanne - I know they'll be helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  88. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Pam, Stacy! It's so great to get everyone's reactions and opinions!

    ReplyDelete
  89. Thank you so much for voting, Jean! I'm betting you'll be the one who breaks the tie! :) Thank you for your helpful comments for Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  90. I so appreciate that you appreciate my particular brand of humor, Vivian :) And I don't feel at all guilty about making you roll around, given that my snacks are virtual :) Thank you so much for your very helpful comments and enthusiasm for Pam! I have not had the privilege of reading the whole story... but I feel pretty sure I've read part of it...

    ReplyDelete
  91. Thank you so much for your thought-provoking questions for Pam, Michelle - I'm sure they will be helpful to her!

    ReplyDelete
  92. I'm sure Pam will be over the moon at your enthusiasm, Kim! Thank you for chiming in for her! :)

    ReplyDelete
  93. That is just fun to say, isn't it, Rosi?! Peanut butter caramel toffee chocolate chip... YUM! :) Thanks so much for your enthusiasm for Pam, I'm sure she'll be thrilled :)

    ReplyDelete
  94. Thank you for voting, Jilanne! And thank you for your helpful comments for Pam. Lucky you - you've read the story! :)

    ReplyDelete
  95. Then I'm glad I supplied it to give you a much-needed energy boost, Maria! Thank you for re-voting! And thank you for your helpful comments for Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  96. You are most welcome for the chocolate, Kathy - I live to serve :) And thanks so much for your helpful comments for Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  97. Thank you so much for voting, Lauri! Hopefully there won't be ties this time... but I'm almost afraid to look! These pitches were so close! Ooh, and now I know where to visit if I need a snack :)

    ReplyDelete
  98. Thank you for managing to vote before you passed out, Teresa - I so appreciate it! :) And thanks for your very helpful comments for Pam! :)

    ReplyDelete
  99. Chocolate... and peanut butter... and caramel... It's what's for breakfast, Angela :) Thank you so much for your enthusiasm for Pam :)

    ReplyDelete
  100. Thank you so much for voting again, Mike. And I'm sorry to have tempted you, but I'm sure your manly willpower is such that you can soldier on! :)

    ReplyDelete
  101. I did... it was a telemarketer.... But I'm still hoping! :)

    ReplyDelete
  102. Thanks so much for your enthusiasm for Pam, Cheryl! I'm sure she'll be thrilled :)

    ReplyDelete
  103. Good point, Cathy! Thanks so much for chiming in for Pam!

    ReplyDelete
  104. I like it Pamela! It has a bit of intrigue and historical value too. I feel like it needs some tightening up. I would love to read it because I am curious about Watch Night. I do think the way Kristen Larson wrote the pitch. I know you'll come up with a winner!

    ReplyDelete
  105. Thank you, Jackie! I am hoping Pam is going to send it to me and let me read the book. I'm intrigued! :)

    ReplyDelete
  106. My pleasure. She has a fantastic premise here. I would def add it to my library!

    ReplyDelete
  107. Pamela, I'm definitely curious about this book! In looking at your pitch, I was compelled to tweak a bit lol To help clarify "Watch Night" sooner (I found myself confused, asking "What's 'Watch Night'?") I brought the descriptive sentence up, then fixed a couple of little spelling issues and slightly trimmed. I hope this helps :)


    The Pitch: Ten year old Eve-Lynn grumbles about her name and spending her last day of the year observing Watch Night--a yearly nighttime vigil since 1862, honoring her people who watched and waited for the dawn of freedom--in an old barn with a bunch of old relatives. Ugh. She ends up coming face-to-face with her namesake, Lil’ Eve. Through the eyes of her 102-year-old aunt, Eve-Lynn learns to appreciate the history of her name and the significance of Watch Night.

    ReplyDelete
  108. Yes, Donna got what the story really is. I am so proud of you, Pam, for doing this. Eve will be so much stronger.

    ReplyDelete
  109. Oh, I like your take on Pam's pitch, Keila.

    ReplyDelete
  110. It's a beautiful story, Pam. I can't wait to see it in print!

    ReplyDelete
  111. I would definitely read/reread 'Freedom's Eve' (Hi Pam :))! I like the way Kristen L. rewrote the pitch to emphasize the story's generational component and also reminded us about using more active verbs (taking notes!). Also I agree with Robyn/Cheryl about including what Eve would rather be doing. Putting that in the pitch would hook the reader, especially children who always want to be doing something else instead of participating in a family tradition (before understanding the special significance).

    ReplyDelete
  112. Thanks Kathy, sounds like a great story to tell.

    ReplyDelete
  113. Mike Allegra writerMarch 19, 2015 at 8:31 PM

    My willpower is rather manly. Thanks for noticing!

    ReplyDelete
  114. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments for Pam, Lori! I know she'll find them helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  115. Thank you for your helpful trimming, Donna! I'm sure Pam will appreciate your re-wording :)

    ReplyDelete
  116. Thanks so much for chiming in for Pam, Leslie! Very helpful!

    ReplyDelete
  117. Lori, having Eve's active engagement in the pitch makes so much sense. And as you mention, it will hook the reader. That's what it's all about right? Thanks bunches for your feedback.

    ReplyDelete
  118. Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback Donna. Getting the right information in the right place in the pitch is important. Thank you for tweaking. I'll be trying out all that I have learned about how to present a proper pitch. You're so gracious to take time and give me your support.

    ReplyDelete
  119. Leslie, Hey! Thank you so much for stopping by and encouraging me. I am so grateful for that. And tightening up has been the phrase of the day. And I am gonna work to do just that. Thank you for the support, Leslit.

    ReplyDelete
  120. Yes, I do too Kathy. Great job, right?

    ReplyDelete
  121. smiling
    really big.

    ReplyDelete
  122. I'm grinning so wide because of your comment. You're so kind.

    ReplyDelete
  123. Pamela, I didn't read all the other comments, so don't know what suggestions may have been made. Whatever's here, I hope it helps :) It sounds like it's a wonderful story!

    ReplyDelete
  124. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikMarch 20, 2015 at 9:18 PM

    YAY! I actually got to vote! WOO! ;)
    I would read the book, and I don't think that I can add more to what other people have said.
    OOO! Chocolate!

    ReplyDelete
  125. Yay! That might make all the difference! I'm going to go check right now... hang on... OMG there's still a tie for first place! But it's only two-way now! I thought the time was up, but I better see if I can get one more vote real quick! Has Josie voted?

    ReplyDelete
  126. Thanks for stopping by to give your support and encouragement Erik.

    ReplyDelete
  127. Thank you so much Donna.

    ReplyDelete
  128. Thanks, Pam. I am glad it helped! I am terrible at pitches myself, but am learning to improve them!

    ReplyDelete

I love to hear from you and try to respond to every comment. Please share your thoughts!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...