March 4, 2015

Would You Read It Wednesday #164 - The Chocolate Train Wreck (ER) PLUS The February Pitch Pick

I'm dating myself, I realize, but when my kids were little, GameBoys were all the rage.  Oh! how they longed for GameBoys.  But my husband and I didn't feel that children under 10 really needed to play video games for hours on end... even though all their friends had GameBoys as well as whatever the ancient versions of PlayStation, Xbox, etc... were.  We figured it was easier not to have game systems then to have them and have to enforce limits.  So our poor deprived children had to soldier on, the ONLY kids in the ENTIRE world without electronic games.

Cruelty, thy name is Mom and Dad.

Really, it's amazing they survived childhood :)

Eventually, we caved.  One unforgettable July (well, it was unforgettable at the time... I'm pretty sure none of them remember it now! :)) the whole crew was blessed with the coveted GameBoys (because we had a Long Drive on the agenda.)  But there was a Rule: the GameBoys could only be played in the car.  And only while driving.  There would be no sitting out in the car in the driveway or any of that nonsense!

It worked very well.

For them.

An excellent solution.

But now I'm having a problem of my own.

Not GameBoy.

No. I have no desire to to give my thumbs a workout bopping turtles or whatever, especially because that would require a degree of coordination and multi-tasking I do not possess whilst driving :)

Nope.  My problem is The Girl On The Train.

I know you were all waiting with breathless excitement to find out which book I picked for my March Audible selection, and yep! that was it.

And I'm hooked.

Seriously, I do not want to get out of the car!

I try to think up extra errands that will give me 4 more minutes of story!

I have become the most speed-limit-observing person on earth!

I think turtles walk faster than my car is going by the time I pull in my driveway!

But after all those years of the GameBoy Rule, I have to abide.  It's the same principle.  There can be no sitting in the car in the driveway just to find out what happens next!

(Plus, really, it's too cold unless the heat is running and that's wasteful of fossil fuels.)

(Plus, really, I have NO TIME for extra listening to stories since I've usually got 6 weeks of work to do on any given day.)

Nope.  There can't be any cheating or any wasting of time.  Only legitimate driving for continuing the story.

Which is why I ask, does anyone need a ride anywhere?

A pick up in Maryland?  Or Georgia?

Because, as it happens, I'm available :)

You'll just have to listen to The Girl On The Train :)

And now that I've got you all desperate to rush out to the library and get a copy right this minute, don't even think about it!  You can go in 5 minutes, but right now...

...it's time for the February Pitch Pick!

Here are the awesome February pitches for your voting pleasure, newly improved and updated thanks to all your helpful comments!  Good luck picking between this bunch! :)

#1 Kirsten - Finley VS. The Fly PB ages 4-8

When a pesky fly fixes his eye on Finley’s peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the game is on. Armed with a magazine, vacuum cleaner, and sink sprayer, Finley is determined to deliver a final blow to the buzz. But when Finley serves up the final swat and the fly lands — splat — on the sandwich, Finley wonders whether he’s really won after all.

#2 Kathy - King Of The Boards PB ages 4-8 (formerly Son of Boogie)

Dean dreams of matching his father's expertise on the boards–skateboards, surf boards, snowboards - but his flip flops at Half Pipe Park, and he wipes out at the beach. Monstrous moguls and an ice storm stop him cold on the slopes. While chillin’ at the ski lodge, Dean discovers a different board he rocks- a game board. KING OF THE BOARDS is a 332 word picture book that champions perseverance and finding your own groove.

#3 Robyn - Barebones The Skeleton PB ages 4-8

When BAREBONES loses his click-clack, he has to find it before the sun goes down, or he'll lose his Halloween job. With a little help from his pumpkin friend, he searches through water and wind trying to uncover where he lost it. Where he finds it is truly a musical surprise. 

#4 Joanne - The Animal Crackers PB ages 3-6

Meet the newest member of The Animal CrackersElephant wants to join his animal friends' jazz band, but every time he tries his trunk at an instrument, it ends tragically. After destroyed drums, harmonica havoc, and a tuba torpedo, Elephant discovers he's had music in him all along: it's as plain as the trunk on his face. 

Please vote below for the one you feel most deserves a read by editor Erin Molta by Sunday March 8 at 5 PM EDT (because yes, we will be springing forward!!!)

In honor of today's pitch, I have selected an ENTIRE TRAIN made out of chocolate for our Something Chocolate!  Have you ever seen anything so glorious?  It's almost enough to make me forget it's still freezing cold and snowing!
http://greatfoodfunplaces.com/tag/chocolate-train/
"Confirmed to be pure chocolate and weighing over 2,755 pounds"!  What craftsmanship!  Lucky it's not parked near my house or it would be missing a few cars by now :)

Take your time... munch away... and when you're ready...

Today's pitch comes to us from Donna.  By day, Donna is a 4th Degree Black Belt Certified Taekwondo Instructor and by night she is a Ninja writer of children's books, chapter books, and young adult novels. Her debut picture book, THE STORY CATCHER, was just released by Anaiah Press on January 20th of this year.
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Author Email: www.donasdays@gmail.com
Story Catcher Fan Club Email: www.storycatcherfanclub@gmail.com


Here is her pitch:

Working Title: The Chocolate Train Wreck
Age/Genre: Early Reader (ages 6-9)
The Pitch: Nine–year-old Abigail must do an essay about one of her favorite things. But train whistles or chocolate-chip-cookies don’t seem big enough for her paper and nothing new ever happens in Hamilton. That is, until an airborne diesel engine and 50 tons of chocolate create a delicious mystery still unsolved more than fifty years later.

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Donna improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in September so you've got a little time to polish up your pitches and send yours for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Donna is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to getting back in my car... with a hunk of that chocolate train... and finding out what's happening to the girl on the non-chocolate train :)

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!!! :)


Reactions:

93 comments:

  1. You had me at "chocolate" in the title, Susanna :)
    You know, if u can listen on a device, feel free to fly HERE, could be a 20 hour trip depending on layovers. I love the chocolate train!


    And Donna, this sounds like an awesome easy reader book; great topic. As I said above, chocolate + trains, great hooks. The pitch reads fine to me and piques my interest!

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  2. It's train day on Blueberry Hill, eh? ;) (and chocolate day. But that's beside the point. Cuz it's ALWAYS chocolate day).

    Would DEFINITELY read this one. I agree with Lauri that you probably don't need the age in there. I also think the second sentence should be tightened, and I would DEFINITELY like a BIT MORE of a hint of what this mystery is (unless I am clueless and you did and I'm not seeing it). That fine line between giving away the ending and not letting us know what happened. Hope you can find it! LOL

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  3. Hooray for GIRL ON THE TRAIN. I knew you'd love it' :) As for the pitch, I am intrigued! In many cases you may have room for the whole pitch, but if you need something tighter, I might suggest starting with the catalyst that sends her off to solve the mystery. What does she see, and what does it spur Abigail to do? I want action! :) Good luck Donna.

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  4. Susanna, don't you need to listen to things while you're washing dishes or folding laundry? That's when I make the most of Audible. And that way, you won't have to stay in the car to listen! :)

    As for Donna's pitch, I think it has lots of potential, but I'd change a couple of things. "...do an essay..." can be changed to "write an essay" since "do" is not a very interesting word. Also, since the engine+chocolate mystery happened 50 years ago, it is not something new that is "created" just in time for Abigail's paper writing dilemma as the pitch makes it sound like. A simple re-wording will help it all make sense and flow better. Good luck, Donna!

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  5. Oh my word, these pitches are getting harder and harder to pick--they're all SO good! And yes, I'd read this one, too. Chocolate and a mystery--I'm all in.

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  6. Mystery AND chocolate? I'd definitely read it! :-) I love the words, "delicious mystery." I think the pitch is concise and gives the important details. I'm intrigued by the idea of an unsolved mystery. Great job!

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  7. Hi Cheryl! Thanks for your kind words. This creative nonfiction story is based on an actual historical event...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  8. Hi Cathy! I like mysteries and I LOVE chocolate...I thought to myself, what a perfect match...;~)


    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  9. Hi Teresa!

    Thanks for the input. I can see where I need to do a little tweaking on my pitch. This is based on a true historical event that happened over 50 years ago but my story actually starts the day BEFORE the train wreck occurred which can be a little misleading in my pitch...

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  10. Hi Kirsten!

    I love the fact I'm getting such wonderful input from everyone. It shines a light on ways to improve my pitch...

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  11. Hi Rene!

    I loved researching this historical event...now to do it justice with my pitch...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  12. Ah, okay; sounds fascinating! But, yes, it was a bit confusing in the pitch that that was when it is set. :)

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  13. I WANT THAT TRAIN! Seriously, Sus. Think of the stories we could write while happily munching on that choo choo. WOWEE! I think you could run down to NC and pick me up at the farm. Then take me back to your house in NY (let me play in the snow, go sledding, etc). Then bring me back to NC. We on?


    Yes! I would read it. I agree with Cheryl. Delicious mystery is such a great word choice. She said that this is something new. But it's over fifty years old. I would change that. I get she is interested in trains and chocolate and I think you have tied that in nicely. I think her age can go in the next paragraph of the query. Use that space to tighten what you have up. Best of luck with it.

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  14. Hi Joanne!

    This story is more about the actual wreck than the "mystery" but I do talk about the unsolved mystery a little bit at the end of the story...

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  15. Yes I'd read it! You've captured my interest with the 50 year old mystery...

    I'll have to get The Girl on the Train too. I want to find out what's happening there. Thanks Susanna for your delicious post!

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  16. Hi Tina!

    I appreciate your kind words. I loved researching this historical event, enjoyed interviewing some of the "children" from back then, and can't wait until it finds a publishing home...;~0

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  17. Mike Allegra writerMarch 4, 2015 at 10:51 AM

    Wait a minute, you don't subscribe to the "Do As I Say, Not As I Do," form of parenting?


    I applaud you.

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  18. Hi Lauri!

    I really appreciate you taking the time to offer such detailed input on how I can improve my pitch. Sometimes it takes another set of eyes to see what I can't...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  19. Hi Michelle!

    I'm really hoping I can find a publishing home for this story and maybe we will ALL get to read it one day...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  20. Hi Robyn!

    I am so excited to be getting such wonderful feedback from everyone! My challenge is that Abigail's story actually begins the day BEFORE the wreck happens. This story is based on a historical event that happened over 50 years ago so I'm walking a fine line between looking into the past AND trying to keep Abigail current...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor or CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  21. Oh Susanna...I love the Game Boy story...for my kids, it was Pac Man...a bit further back in the Stone Age of mind numbing computer games. ;)
    Your audio book sounds compelling...but if I take up one more activity, even if it is just a listening one, I will definitely be on overload. ;)
    And Donna, I would DEFINITELY read your story...oh my goodness...it sounds enticing and entrancing. ;) Your pitch is pretty much spot on...but I'd change it to 'train whistles and chocolate chip cookies' and maybe end it with 'a delicious mystery'. Also, check your 'signature'...don't you want it to say 'coauthor of Chicken Soup'? :) :)

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  22. Hi Penny!


    I'm excited to use all this wonderful input to work on tightening my pitch...


    Thanks for stopping by to comment!

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor of CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  23. You're very welcome, Donna. I think that maybe ending it with the mystery is what made me assume that was what the story was about. Perhaps move that particular part of the pitch to another location? Just a thought.

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  24. Your posts are always so delightfully delicious, Susanna! Yes, Donna, I'd read your story.

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  25. Donna - I'd definitely read it. You got me at chocolate... but train wreck is good, too. Reminds me of the molasses flood. Ki-yup!

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  26. Yes, Susanna. Please drive through the next 6-8 inches of snow and GET US OUTTA HERE! Florida, please. Girl on the Train is on my TBR list, so I'm on board with the listening. (See what I did there?)

    Donna, I LOVE that something exciting is about to happen in Hamilton. I'm just a touch confused by the "airborne diesel engine." I need a few more words explaining that, but the pitch makes the story sound compelling enough for a YES - I would read it!

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  27. I like the idea of the story, but am pretty confused by the last sentence of this pitch. I would like more information in the pitch.

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  28. Donna, I might read your story. I wasn't sure until I got to the part about the unsolved 50 year old mystery. That's what changed my mind. Best of luck to you!

    ( of course anything chocolate usually pulls me in!!)

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  29. Nice to hear we have similar parenting styles Susanna! Moving fro Egypt to LA my son discovered a family of 4 boys with 5 TV's and each had a different game system. Even the cable man thought having one small TV was weird. When my son complained, I advised him to ask his new friends to share. That was that!

    Donna, I like the idea of train and chocolate mystery. But would like to hear something more suspenseful. Was the way she discovered the case interesting?

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  30. You were awesome doing that, I bet the kids thank you in the log run, their imaginations must be great. I wish my two weren't so addicted. Thank goodness for sledding and hide and seek. I can so picture you as a part-time taxi driver. You could have a sticker in the window of which book you are listening to lol.
    I'm not sure the hook is enough in this pitch. Someone has no idea what to write about and then suddenly they do. I think a bit more detail of what happens will help to garner interest in the story. It sounds like a great story.

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  31. Such good pitches! I'd love to see these as books. I'd also love to see (read: eat) that chocolate train. Yum.
    Donna, I think there are many delicious aspects to your story: Abigail has to decide what to write about, Abigail is bored with her town and herself...plus there's a mystery. But it seems to jump a bit, trying to cover all these aspects of the story.

    Instead, you could focus on the one, big problem Abigail faces. Is it her fear of writing? Not thinking she is exciting enough? Or maybe a dilemma the (concretely stated) mystery brings up?

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  32. Chocolate by the ton! I'm in!


    As for the pitch, I might read it but I'm a little confused. Here are my questions. How does having to write an essay turn into a mystery? Is the story about writing the essay or solving the mystery? Or is the essay a way into the story? If it is, I'm wondering if you need the essay part to get you in the story? It feel like the appearance of 50 tons of airborne chocolate would be enough to get the mystery ball rolling. The "fifty years later" part also confuses me. Does your MC come across the actual train or the story of the actual train fifty years later? I like the concept, but the water just feels a little muddy right now. Perhaps someone melted some chocolate in it? :D Good luck!

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  33. Sydney O'NeillMarch 4, 2015 at 5:51 PM

    Of course I'd read about a chocolate train wreck, and I think kids would love imagining themselves helping clean it up. I really want to clean up the one Renee found.

    You've had some great suggestions here, Donna. I'll add just a couple of things I haven't seen mentioned. Labeling the genre "historical fiction" (or "nonfiction" if that's the case) might prepare the reader for the transition from Abigail's time to "more than fifty years later." Also, did the train wreck create the mystery or is it a mystery what caused the train to wreck?

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  34. You were so right, Kirsten! I blame you if I end up driving to Canada for no apparent reason :) Thanks so much for your comments for Donna!

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  35. Thank you for your helpful suggestions for Donna, Sydney!

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  36. Wasn't it a great idea, Jilanne? I might have thought of a chocolate mountain, but a chocolate train? Sheer genius! :) Thank you for your helpful comments for Donna!

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  37. I know it, Stacy! The pitches are getting better and better and it's so hard to pick! I'm in a position to see how the votes are stacking up and I'll tell you, it's neck and neck and we've currently got a tie for first! Thanks so much of your comments for Donna!

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  38. Yeah... I'm not sure they thank me :) But I did enforce that Rule! And I like the idea of having a sticker for my current book - people could ride along and see if they liked it enough to listen/read themselves :) Thanks so much for your comments for Donna!

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  39. Yeah, one of my daughter's preschool friends had a TV in her bedroom at age 3 that she was allowed to watch anytime, and anything she wanted to watch. My kids were all, "Ooh! We want that!" to which I responded, "In your dreams! Go outside and run around!" :)
    Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Donna!

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  40. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with Donna, Carol! (And yeah... amazing how chocolate will do that :))

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  41. Thanks so much for sharing your reactions with Donna, Rosi! It's always helpful to know what parts might be confusing!

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  42. I will be along to get you as soon as possible, Genevieve! You will be happy to know that Princess Blue Kitty is a dog friendly vehicle :) And I'll be happy to start The Girl On The Train over so you don't miss any! :) Thanks so much of your comments for Donna!

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  43. Thanks so much for chiming in for Donna, Sue! And hey, did I thank you for the post card with the awesome poem on it? I have a feeling I didn't - so THANK YOU! I loved it! :)

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  44. Thanks so much for your comments for Donna, Johnell! As for audible, I highly recommend it... but of course I got it as a gift and didn't have to pay :)

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  45. I'm glad you enjoy the deliciousness, Cathy :) Thanks for your comments for Donna!

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  46. Hahaha! You're so funny :) Maybe we should call you Vivian Flintstone :) I don't have time for one more activity either. I should probably be listening to podcasts about writing or something... but I never have time to read any more, so "reading" while driving seems fair! Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Donna!

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  47. Thanks for your comments for Donna, Penny! And I certainly will chugga-chugga-chocolate! Now, the question is, is circling the block technically cheating? I'm afraid it might be...!

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  48. Hahaha! I'm sure I recently do... just not in this particular situation.. mostly because I literally don't have the time to ignore my own rules! :)

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  49. Thanks for your comments for Donna, Michelle, and glad you enjoyed the chocolate :) I didn't make any progress with the story today because I didn't have much reason to get in the car! Darn! Maybe tomorrow :)

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  50. Thanks so much of your comments for Donna, Rob! And YES! Let's DO it! I'll bring the train down to pick you up! Be there ASAP! :)

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  51. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with Donna, Cheryl! :)

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  52. I know, aren't they though? It's like Sophie's Choice! (okay, well, maybe not quite :)) Thanks so much for your thoughts for Donna!

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  53. You're assuming I wash dishes and fold laundry, Teresa! :) Although with audible as an incentive I might have more interest in those activities :) Thanks so much for your comments and suggestions for Donna!

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  54. Thanks so much for chiming in with your helpful comments for Donna, Rene!

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  55. Yep, we're all about chocolate here on the hill! And as it happens, there is a train that runs down the valley, so we've got that nice train whistle thing going to! :) Thanks so much of your comments for Donna, Joanne!

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  56. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments and suggestions for Donna, Lauri!

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  57. I am definitely intrigued to read a story about a chocolate train!! I like your pitch but have the same comment as others - the 50 years later part doesn't make sense to me although I'm sure it's made clear in your story. Could you leave it out and end the sentence with 'delicious mystery'?

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  58. Well there's always the book form… I'm going to try that one. Though I'm getting quite a laugh from all the comments here on driving antics while listening, good luck!

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  59. I'm pretty sure if I had it in book form I would stay up WAY too late and read! :)

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  60. Hahaha! You are so funny :) I will have to cite Audible Rule #648A: If when listening to a book you are tempted to circle the block but don't have one to circle, it is permissible to drive around the cul-de-sac until you start to get dizzy, at which point you should really go home! :)

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  61. Thanks so much for chiming in with your thoughts for Donna, Ariel! :)

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  62. I'm really laughing now! I often stay up WAY too late!

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  63. But isn't it just the best thing to have a book that makes you want to?! :)

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  64. Vivian KirkfieldMarch 4, 2015 at 8:47 PM

    Vivian Flintstone...has quite a ring to it, doesn't it. ;) ;)
    Well, listening to audio tapes is actually a great way to pass the driving time...MUCH better than texting. ;) ;) ;)
    It makes me a bit sad because I used to get such great pleasure from reading...everything...novels, biographies, adult, YA, PB, MG...now I have barely enough time to read the picture books for reviewing and as mentor texts. But it is fun busy and good busy. :)

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  65. Vivian KirkfieldMarch 4, 2015 at 8:48 PM

    Glad it was helpful, Donna...it sounds like a wonderful story!!!

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  66. Yes, it is... but I still wish I had more time to read! I miss having just a little quiet time where I don't have to feel guilty that I'm not answering emails or working on critiques or whatever and can just curl up in a chair with a great book for half an hour - heck! even 10 minutes!

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  67. Hi Ariel!

    I am soooo grateful for everyone's input. My pitch is gonna rock after this! ;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment1

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  68. Yes! I'm salivating just thinking about it. :D

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  69. Hi Sydney!

    Thanks for the additional input. I will keep it in mind when I do my revisions. This story is actually a creative historical nonfiction. It's a mystery as to who caused the train wreck...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Thanks for stopping by to comment1

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  70. Hi Charlotte!

    I've always loved the sounds of trains passing by...the clickety-clack of the wheels and the echoes of the whistle. And yeah, 50 tons of chocolate certainly doesn't hurt...lol...

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Thanks for stopping by to comment1

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  71. Hi Jilanne!

    I can see what's in MY head isn't coming out clearly...lol...and I'm loving all these helpful comments! The essay is the way to lead into the story of the actual train wreck. This is a historical event and the mystery is WHO caused the wreck...

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  72. HI Stacy!

    So many comments, so many wonderful ideas I have to bounce around and use during my revisions.

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  73. Hi Catherine!

    It's interesting how a person can write a pitch and they think it's spot on and then someone else looks at it and can only scratch their head...lol...I've got some revising to do! ;~)



    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  74. Hi Keila!

    This is a creative nonfiction story that takes place the day before the actual train wreck. So many great comments and so much to think about.

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  75. Hi Carol!

    I'm glad I could at least tempt you with the chocolate...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

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  76. Hi Rosi!

    I will keep everyone's comments in mind when I do my revisions so I can work to make my pitch clearer to understand.

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

    ReplyDelete
  77. Hey Donna!!! Yes, I would read this book. A mystery? A chocolate mystery? A fifty year old chocolate mystery to boot? All the info is there in your pitch to pull the reader in. However, it reads as if 50 years have past for the mc. How do you feel about introducing the mystery a tad earlier? Abigail of course decides to do her essay on it because it beats train whistles and chocolate chip cookies in boring Hamilton. Not this, but my point is to switch the cause and effect around. Just a thought.

    And Susanna, I just love creative people. Especially creative people that can design even more delightful ways to enjoy chocolate.

    ReplyDelete
  78. Hi Genevieve!

    Lol...the first time I wrote this pitch I used "flying diesel train" and some people thought I meant it was going really fast when in fact the train actually FLEW through the air! I guess it's back to the writing board for revisions...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

    ReplyDelete
  79. Donna, Chocolate and a mystery - I'd love to read it. I agree that it would benefit from a hint as to what the mystery is (an unsolved crash), calling it historical fiction, and introducing the 50 years earlier. BUT, I love the premise. Maybe a jumping off point - "Nine–year-old Abigail must WRITE (instead of "do") an essay about one of her favorite things. Discovering the mystery of an airborne diesel engine and 50 tons of chocolate, unsolved for the past fifty years later, combines her loves of train whistles and chocolate-chip-cookies." Can't wait to see this one in print!

    ReplyDelete
  80. Hi Sue!

    I'm crossing my fingers that maybe one day you will get the chance to read it...;~)

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

    ReplyDelete
  81. Hi Cathy!


    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

    ReplyDelete
  82. Hi Maria!

    What a great detective you would make! It was indeed an unsolved crash. i will keep your comments in mind with my revisions.

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

    ReplyDelete
  83. Hi Pamela!

    I understand where you are coming from and it certainly might help to switch things up.

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

    ReplyDelete
  84. So many great comments - I haven't even read them all. But I just want to say that if this is the PB I think it is, then YES, I would read it because it's based on true events if I remember correctly. A good mentor text might be PAPA'S MECHANICAL FISH by Candace Fleming and Boris Kulikov. The story itself is fiction, but in the back matter, you read about the events that inspired it.



    All that said, I think this pitch is over-edited. My suggestion: Start with mystery and then say how nine-year-old Abigail is determined to solve it, or at least calm her sweet tooth. (I'm sure you've gotten this suggestion before.)

    ReplyDelete
  85. Hi Jen!

    You got the story right...it IS based on a true story and I will have to check out that book!



    Thanks for stopping by to comment.


    Take care,


    Donna

    ReplyDelete
  86. Donna, I love the premise of this book! It's so original :) With the pitch, I just have two suggestions:

    For clarification (I was confused), perhaps change this "...don’t seem big enough for her paper..." to this: "...don't seem like big enough subjects for her paper..." Also, since the paper is about her favorite things, I'm now sure how the "nothing new ever happens in Hamilton" fits. I want to hear about the mystery! :)



    Susanna, I've been guilty of staying in the car or even driving around the block a time or two when there's a good song on the radio (rare these days!) and I won't shut down 'til it's done :) And that chocolate train?! Wow! But what a waste of tasty chocolate lol

    ReplyDelete
  87. Hi Donna!

    I'm going to take all these wonderful comments and put them in a spreadsheet so I will have them handy when I do revisions...;~0

    Thanks for stopping by to comment.

    Take care,

    Donna L Martin
    www.donnalmartin.com
    author of THE STORY CATCHER
    coauthor of CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL: ANGELS AMONG US

    ReplyDelete
  88. Donna, it sounds like the perfect way to look everything over to see how to revise! :D

    ReplyDelete

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