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October 16, 2013

Would You Read It Wednesday #109 - Iris The Rainbow Girl (PB) PLUS The September Pitch Winner


It's time for everybody's favorite program - Would You Read It! - brought to you in part by Chocolate (it's what's for breakfast!)

Except today, since it's October, our Something Chocolate is going to be Something Pumpkin because I've got pumpkins on my mind.  So how about this?  Hot from the oven pumpkin muffins...
...with chocolate chips :)

YUM!

Now, even though it is rude to speak with your mouth full, I'm going to announce the winner of the September Pitch Pick.  And the winner is...

DDDRRRUUUMMM RRROOOLLLLLL!!!!!!

Kirsti, with her pitch for Upside Down In Frown Town!

Congratulations on an excellent pitch, Kirsti!  It has already zipped through cyberspace to editor Erin Molta and I'm sure you will hear from her shortly!

Congratulations to our other pitchers as well!  Everyone did such a good job - it was a tough choice this month!  Good luck to you all as you proceed with the stories these pitches are for!

Help yourself to another muffin, and then we'll move right along to today's pitch which comes to us from Rosi.  Rosi has sold a few pieces to Highlights and Highlights High Five magazine, but no books yet.  She writes for all ages, but mostly for children.  She is the Critique Group Coordinator for SCBWI North/Central California.  And she would love it if anyone would like to visit her blog at: http://rosihollinbeckthewritestuff.blogspot.com/

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Iris The Rainbow Girl
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 2-5)
The Pitch: When Iris sees a rainbow, she decides she want to be a beautiful rainbow. Her parents tell her all the reasons she cannot be a rainbow, but Iris persists and finally finds a way to achieve her goal.

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Rosi improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in January so you've got a little time to polish up your pitches and send yours for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Rosi is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to figuring out the rest of the prizes for the Halloweensie Contest.  Stay tuned!  And once again, if you have any particular thoughts in the what-you'd-like-to-win department, please let me know and I'll see what I can arrange :)

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!

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64 comments:

  1. LdegmanOctober 16, 2013 at 8:43 AM

    Yes, I would read it - it's a very unique idea! I think the pitch is not dramatic enough and doesn't grab the reader. I'd go for something like, "Iris is determined to become a rainbow and she refuses to let anyone hang a dark cloud over her dream!" Too corny? Maybe - but you get the idea :-)

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  2. iza trapaniOctober 16, 2013 at 8:49 AM

    Yay! I'm smiling for Frown Town (and the pumpkin chocolate chip muffins!)
    I am curious about the idea of a rainbow girl, but I agree with Lori that the pitch could be more dramatic and enticing. I would also avoid using "rainbow" three times. Find another way to get the point across. I would definitely read it!

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  3. iza trapaniOctober 16, 2013 at 8:49 AM

    Not corny- it's great!

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  4. Kirsten LarsonOctober 16, 2013 at 9:08 AM

    Rosi, HIGHLIGHTS is such an achievement...Congrats! And I have to say I love SCBWI NoCal/CenCal. Your writers day with the nonfiction track is the best!


    As Iza suggested, I would reword so you aren't using "rainbow" three times. In the first sentence you could change it to "she wants to be one too." I also would like some hint of Iris's efforts so I can learn more about the story. Besides her parents, what are some obstacles she faces?


    Good luck with this one!

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  5. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 9:17 AM

    Thanks for your wonderful suggestion for Rosi, Lori! I'm sure she'll appreciate it! She unexpectedly had to travel today so will respond to comments here as soon as she can.

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  6. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 9:17 AM

    Isn't it though? :)

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  7. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 9:18 AM

    Thanks for your comments for Rosi, Iza! And please, have another muffin - they're on the house :)

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  8. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 9:19 AM

    I know it, Kirsten - she's more accomplished than she gives herself credit for :) Thanks for your helpful suggestions! Rosi will reply when she can - she ended up with unexpected traveling today.

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  9. julieOctober 16, 2013 at 9:41 AM

    Congrats, Kirsti! And thanks for the muffin, Susanna - I just might bakesome today!
    Wonderful news about your success with Highlights, Rosi. As for the pitch, I'd really like to hear more about what's going on: is Iris human? Does the rainbow sighting play such a big role, or can you begin with her desire to emulate? And how? A tidbit, please. You might want to grab some favorite lines and play with those. Good luck.

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  10. julieOctober 16, 2013 at 9:43 AM

    I agree!

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  11. pennyklostermannOctober 16, 2013 at 9:59 AM

    Congratulations to Kirsti!

    Penny, Penny pumpkin (muffin) eater!
    Ate a few by her heater...
    Hey, with a few tweaks, I think that could be a nursery rhyme ;-)

    As far as the pitch, I would say yes. I would like to see you add a little color to your pitch! Iris must love color since she wants to be a rainbow, so is there some wordplay you could bring into the pitch that would liven it up?
    I went over to your website, Rosi. I taught school for years, too. Congratulations on your publications!

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  12. Pam BrunskillOctober 16, 2013 at 10:19 AM

    Mmm, yummy muffin! I want one now, actually :)
    As for the pitch, yes, I would read the story. But, I think the same story voice or hints as to how Iris actually becomes a rainbow would improve it.

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  13. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 10:59 AM

    Thanks, Pam, for the feedback. I will be working on my pitch and will try to incorporate your idea.

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  14. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 11:00 AM

    Thanks, Penny! Of course I should incorporate color! Thanks for the suggestion.

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  15. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 11:01 AM

    Thanks, Julie. Using the lines is a great idea. I will work on that.

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  16. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 11:02 AM

    Thanks, Kirsten. Yes, the nonfiction things our region does are terrific. Thanks for the suggestions. It is a work in progress.

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  17. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 11:03 AM

    I am at the Minneapolis airport and their WiFi leaves a bit to be desired, but I am going to try to get through as much as I can.

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  18. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 11:04 AM

    Thank you, Iza. Fresh eyes always see the things we don't see ourselves. I didn't realize I had used rainbow so much.

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  19. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 11:04 AM

    Ha! Not too corny at all. What a great suggestion. I will surely keep that in mind as I work on this. Thanks!

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  20. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 11:05 AM

    Thanks to you all. I will be checking in when I get back to Sacramento. This is all very encouraging.

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  21. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 11:47 AM

    You may have TWO muffins, Pam, or even THREE if you promise to get up and run around your desk in between :) Thanks so much for stopping by to comment for Rosi!

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  22. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 11:52 AM

    Thanks for your comments for Rosi, Penny! And as for that rhyme... with a little tweaking and the addition of spooky, a black cat, and cackle, it could be your Halloweensie entry :)

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  23. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 12:05 PM

    Thanks so much for your comments for Rosi, Julie! And if you bake muffins, send me a few... I seem to have eaten all mine :)



























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  24. CatherineOctober 16, 2013 at 1:11 PM

    Congrats Kirsti! Love this rainbow pitch and agree with Pam.

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  25. Donna L SaddOctober 16, 2013 at 1:23 PM

    Congratulations Kirsti!


    Yes, I'd read it, Rosi, but I agree with the other comments that it needs a bit more punch and insight as to what's going on. :0)

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  26. Beverly SnedecorOctober 16, 2013 at 2:36 PM

    Wow, what an original idea. I would read it just to find out how it works! I like the suggestions below, especially Lori's about bringing in ideas that are related to rainbows, like a cloud. Don't they go together? I think the pitch itself would grab me more if it gave more specifics about the obstacles and maybe about Iris's colorful personality. Thanks for letting us read this!

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  27. Stacy CouchOctober 16, 2013 at 2:39 PM

    Mmm...pumpkin muffins. Have a recipe that uses butterscotch candies--gasp!--instead of chocolate chips. Though both are divine.

    Lovely idea, Rosi! The name Iris is SO clever for a rainbow girl. I agreed with adding details, maybe tempting us with the climax, then a hint about how she'll resolve it.

    Love Penny's nursery rhyme too!

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  28. SianOctober 16, 2013 at 3:53 PM

    Yes I would read it - it sounds like a fun idea. Like others have said I would try to expand the pitch a bit - its somewhat brief, I would also rephrase it as you overuse the word rainbow. Overall its sounds good though :)

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  29. GenevieveOctober 16, 2013 at 4:43 PM

    Pitches are often too long and wordy. This one is the opposite. I would like to read it, but I think there should be more - some indication as to whether Iris magically turns to a rainbow, or learns the subtly of the colors in her personality. Is it magical?

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  30. Lyla AnneOctober 16, 2013 at 5:51 PM

    Yes, I would read it. I agree that the pitch is a little modest, there could definitely be a little more punch. How does she become a "rainbow", does she try different ways; i.e. painting her face all the colors or doing a back bend? I would like to know in the pitch how she accomplishes this, unless that would give the whole story away. Right now I'm a little confused, but a lot a bit fascinated and excited to read the story :)

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  31. Natasha HanovaOctober 16, 2013 at 6:06 PM

    I'd read it. Sounds like a cute story with a resourceful protagonist.


    Pumpkin + chocolate = YUMMY!!

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  32. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 6:10 PM

    Thanks, Natasha. I'm glad you think it's cute. Yes, Iris is pretty resourceful.

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  33. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 6:11 PM

    Thanks, Lyla Anne. I see I need to really work on this pitch. All these comments are so helpful.

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  34. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 6:12 PM

    Thank you, Genevieve. It is not magical, but rather inventive. I appreciate your comments.

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  35. RosiOctober 16, 2013 at 6:13 PM

    Prisms! I hadn't thought of that. I'm glad you like the name. I will be putting an explanation for the kids in the afterword. Thanks for chiming in.

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  36. AndreaOctober 16, 2013 at 6:40 PM

    I love pumpkin and choc chips together!

    What I wondered when I read the pitch is why Iris wants to be a rainbow. It seems like an unusual idea for a child but one with lots of possibilities for fun illustrations. I'd probably read it because I'm curious.

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  37. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 7:36 PM

    Thanks for chiming in for Rosi, Catherine! :)




























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  38. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 7:37 PM

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts for Rosi, Donna! :)

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  39. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 7:38 PM

    Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Rosi, Beverly! :)

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  40. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 7:40 PM

    BUTTERSCOTCH??? I will accept the recipe should you care to share it :) Thanks so much for your thoughts for Rosi, Stacy, and perhaps Penny's rhyme will inspire you to enter the Halloweensie Contest :)

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  41. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 7:41 PM

    Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Rosi, Sian! :)

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  42. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 7:43 PM

    Yay! I'm so happy! Have another muffin, Pat, since it's finally something you can enjoy :) And thanks for your comments for Rosi :)



























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  43. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 7:45 PM

    Thanks for your helpful comments and questions for Rosi, Genevieve!




























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  44. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 7:53 PM

    Love your ideas, Lyla! Thanks for your helpful suggestions for Rosi :)

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  45. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 8:00 PM

    Thanks for chiming in for Rosi, Natasha! And apparently, according to Stacy a little farther down, pumpkin+butterscotch=yummy too! :)

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  46. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 8:26 PM

    Thanks for commenting for Rosi, Andrea, and by all means, help yourself to multiple muffins! :)


























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  47. Joanna MarpleOctober 16, 2013 at 9:30 PM

    Love this, Lori.

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  48. Stacy CouchOctober 16, 2013 at 9:31 PM

    Well, I am spooky. And cackle-y.

    Sent the recipe to your e-mail (soooo many food words). Let me know if you don't get it.

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  49. Joanna MarpleOctober 16, 2013 at 9:31 PM

    I'll have a muffin, but with blueberries, please.


    Lori's tweaking is great. It does need something more to tempt the reader, but the problem is cool.

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  50. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 10:13 PM

    Thanks for your comments for Rosi, Joanna. And are you suggesting pumpkin blueberry? I've never tried that. But given we live on Blueberry Hill, I think I'd better! It sounds good :)

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  51. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 16, 2013 at 10:14 PM

    You're funny! :) And thanks for the recipe! :)

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  52. RosiOctober 17, 2013 at 12:04 AM

    Thanks, Joanna. I agree! Glad to hear you think the problem is one that would work.

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  53. RosiOctober 17, 2013 at 12:06 AM

    Well, curiosity is a good start. Someone once told me this couldn't work because I child would never want to be an inanimate object. Then a woman in one of my critique groups told me her grandson wanted to be the solar system for Halloween. That gave me hope. The pictures of the solar system costume were extraordinary!

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  54. RosiOctober 17, 2013 at 12:06 AM

    Thanks, Natasha. I appreciate the encouragement.

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  55. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikOctober 17, 2013 at 8:12 AM

    Yes I'd read the book. I would just put in a couple more details about what Isis (love the name!) does to try to be a rainbow, but that's just me. :)
    I like pumpkin! And chocolate! Now, would you kindly excuse me as I stuff my face? Thank you!


    :)

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  56. iza trapaniOctober 17, 2013 at 9:21 AM

    Yes, another set of eyes is always helpful!

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  57. iza trapaniOctober 17, 2013 at 9:22 AM

    I ate so many I can't fit into my pants!

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  58. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 17, 2013 at 10:39 AM

    Thank you for your comments for Ms. Hollinbeck, Erik! Enjoy the muffin, and please chew with your mouth closed :)

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  59. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 17, 2013 at 10:41 AM

    Luckily since we work from home we don't have to wear our pants :) That's why they make pajamas :)

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  60. iza trapaniOctober 17, 2013 at 10:51 AM

    That's right- nice loose ones!

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  61. RosiOctober 17, 2013 at 4:56 PM

    Thanks, Erik, for your encouraging comments. I will be working on that pitch.

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  62. Vivian KirkfieldOctober 18, 2013 at 2:19 AM

    Congrats to Kirsti...loved your Frown Town story.:)
    And I also love pumpkin muffins...especially with chocolate chips...because we all know that chocolate makes everything better.:)


    I would definitely read Rosi's story...young kids will relate to the rainbows and also to having parents say, "NO!" :) Perhaps I'd enjoy knowing a little more about how the little girl manages to achieve her goal.


    Susanna, I've got my thinking cap on for the Halloweensie Contest...there is so much going on - good thing it is a 100 word limit.:)

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  63. RosiOctober 18, 2013 at 2:30 AM

    Thanks, Vivian. I see I need to expand the pitch and really, really polish it. I appreciate your suggestion.

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  64. Susanna Leonard HillOctober 18, 2013 at 6:12 AM

    Thanks for your comments for Rosi, Vivian! Enjoy the muffins - maybe they'll spark your Halloweensie creativity :)

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