I just have to say, before we get started, that it has warmed the cockles of my heart to see what a wonderful response you've all given our participants! Those who have been brave enough to submit a pitch have been so grateful for your helpful comments!
(And please don't ask me what a cockle is or what they're doing in your ventricular space. A cockle sounds like something that should shackle you to a chicken coop, which seems like a sniglet, but I digress...!)
Today's pitch comes to us from Alisha, an elementary school music teacher, flutist, and chicken farmer :) Welcome, Alisha, and thanks so much for playing our game!
Alisha presents us with this entry:
Title: Finding the Reindeer Beat
Genre: Picture Book
Pitch: "When Santa’s sleigh team decided to retire, a new group of reindeer trained with Coach Dasher, almost crashed in front of Santa, and discovered the secret to staying together."
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE, or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Alisha improve her pitch. (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks and spread the word to all your writer friends so we can keep playing!!!
Rules For The Game: send your working title if you have one, the age/genre you're writing for, and The Pitch, (and your pitch can be anonymous if you prefer - just let me know) to firstname.lastname@example.org (or use the handy Email Me button on the right-hand side.) Try out pitches you're polishing for submission to get a sense of how they're working, or try out pitches for ideas you're mulling over to see if they have merit. Writers and readers are here to help!
Alisha is anxiously awaiting your thoughts on her pitch!
Welcome, brave Alisha! : )ReplyDelete
I would give this one a "yes." I like the idea of a Christmas book that isn't just about Christmas. I like the "secret of staying together" bit and would probably read it if that was part of the blurb on the back.
I'm guessing from the title that it has something to do with music?
Yes, the reindeer almost crash when they begin singing during flight. Some of them fly to the rhythm of the words while others fly to the beat. Santa sends them to music class where they sing every holiday song they know while keeping the beat on drums, and discover the difference between rhythm and beat. Santa sings the tune of a popular song, inserting the names of the new reindeer.ReplyDelete
I'm Jewish, so probably not.ReplyDelete
Seriously, it's a cute idea. But I think the sentence reads a bit clunky.
I would probably say no based on this particular pitch. I'm immediately confused why, if Santa's team has retired, Captain Dasher is training a new group. I also believe the pitch should be in present tense, "When Santa's sleigh team DECIDES to retire,"etc. Doesn't mean the story isn't great, I just don't like the pitch.ReplyDelete
I'm going to say maybe because, like Laura, I like the idea more than the pitch. What if it read something like this?ReplyDelete
"When Santa’s reindeer need a vacation, a new group trains with Coach Dasher and discovers the secret to staying together."
It made me to sad to think of the original team retiring forever, but a vacation could provide a similar need for a new group to train. Plus I like stating the pitch in just a few fewer words.
BTW, I love this series, Susanna!
Thanks, Michelle! Looking forward to your pitch... :)ReplyDelete
Thanks, ladies! I appreciate the feedback to improve the pitch!ReplyDelete
Hi, Susanna! I've visited your blog before, but I believe this is a new feature. I discovered it via Corey Schwartz. Too cool!ReplyDelete
Alisha, I'm wondering if the reindeer could stay put. The point seems to be in learning to work together (and learning the difference between rhythm and beat - which I sadly do not know...) so that they don't crash. If you take the focus away from the "new" reindeer, you might have a pitch like this...
"When Santa's reindeer get bored with flying the sleigh, he decides he needs to take things to a new level. When the reindeer begin singing during flight, they crash, so Santa sends them to music school to learn to harmonize peacefully."
...or something like that. Sounds fun! Oh, on the pitch, I would say a maybe. On the premise, I would say a YES!
Yes, Christie, I remember you. I've been to your blog too. Thanks so much for swinging back around. I'm so glad you like the new feature! I think Alisha will find your thoughtful comment very helpful.ReplyDelete
Do you have a pitch you want to share? (she said hopefully :))
Sure! Like everyone else, I just gotta find the time. Thanks!ReplyDelete
I'd read it. I think the pitch needs a little work but it's a great idea! (An aside: I didn't like how your worded "decided to retire..." - I'd just say, "When they retire..." <---- nitpicky I know!) or perhaps just use the same reindeer, new story. I LOVED the music idea I saw in the comments above, and for me that is a HUGE selling point so I'd include the music in your pitch. I also love the idea that they find the secret of staying together, some team work. (-: I think it's great and go for it.ReplyDelete
Thank you Ado, Christie, Michelle, Laura, Theresa, Megan, and Susanna! Each of your comments are appreciated and have given me much to think about. The pitch needs work, for sure, and I'm glad I put it out there for comments. I'm keep your suggestions in mind as I work on it. Thanks again!ReplyDelete
Sorry for chiming in a bit late. I think what is unique about your story is bringing in the idea of music with Santa Claus' reindeer, so you should definitely play up that angle in your pitch (as some people have already sugested).ReplyDelete
It's hard to find new concepts in Santa stories but you managed it! I can see the possiblities with this story for the reindeer having fun and different personalities :) I agree when I saw a comment below suggesting to change "decided to retire" to something else. I think if you put the pitch in present tense it also may give it a little more impact.ReplyDelete