February 25, 2015

Would You Read It Wednesday #163 - The Animal Crackers (PB)

You know what?

I have decided that spring is coming!

I know the thermometer by my kitchen window says 11 below zero this morning... er, possibly 12 below.


I know Blueberry Hill is still blanketed under a solid two feet of snow.

I know my fingers get so cold while I'm doing the barn that first they hurt and then I forget I have any fingers :)

But hear me out.

In 3 days - THREE! - it will be March!  And March is the month that technically contains the first day of Spring!

See?  Spring is coming!

In addition, the angle of the light has changed.  The earth is tilting her face toward the sun.  When I get up at 5:15... well, okay... it's still dark.  But by 6 AM the light is coming up - it really is.  If it wasn't 11 below zero I could take the dogs out :)

So I feel freezing confident that Spring is right around the corner! :)

Meanwhile, let's have Something Chocolate, because it is a completely fabricated outright lie well known fact that chocolate is good for  warming people up.  Really, it's true.  (And no, that is not the end of my nose in Pennsylvania...)

Today's pitcher was kind enough to bring Something Chocolate for all of us.  (Thank you, Joanne :))  The person who thought up the recipe is seriously a person after my own heart!  She says she was rummaging in the pantry for something healthy and this is what she came up with! :)  And it's called a S'MOreo!  How can you not LOVE that???!!!

"Recipe" HERE :)
and this is the kind of recipe I might actually be able to manage
as it involves no actual cooking - unless you count toasting the
marshmallows :)
I am not kidding when I say HOW HAS NO ONE EVER THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE?  IT'S GENIUS!

I have every intention of experimenting with this genius right after Would You Read It.  I feel certain that there will be a lot of trial and error to get the marshmallow toastiness/smushiness ratio exactly right... meaning a lot of taste-testing... but, you know, all in the name of culinary excellence or whatever :)

Today's pitch comes to us from Joanne who says, "I've been writing since I was knee-high to a grasshopper (actually, I was NEVER that little - I'm currently 5'10" and I may have been born that tall LOL), but I only started focusing on children's writing (picture books in particular) at the beginning of last year. I'm a Southern California native who escaped (they almost held me hostage - truly!) to Michigan 20ish years ago with a Michigander husband (who I dragged out of California) and two darling (well, sometimes) kids currently in 5th and 8th grade. I LOVE the kidlit community I have found here and at other amazingly cool places on the Internet (12 x 12, PiBoIdMo, ReviMo, Kidlit411 and probably half a dozen others that eat up WAY too much of my time). I love to learn - and I absolutely KNOW I'm not "there" yet - so critique away! I can use it!

Here are her links if you'd like to go visit her and get to know her.  I highly recommend her - she's lovely :): 
blog/website: www.joannesher.com 
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/joannesherwriter
Twitter: https://twitter.com/joannesher

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: The Animal Crackers
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: Elephant wants to play in his animal friends' band, but every instrument he tries doesn't work – whether he swallows the harmonica or breaks a drum. With the band's help, Elephant discovers he's had music in him all along - in his stomping feet and trumpeting trunk. Meet the newest member of the Animal Crackers! 

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Joanne improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in July so you've got a little time to polish up your pitches and send yours for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Joanne is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to S'MOreos!!!

Have a wonderful Wednesday, everyone!!! :)

Reactions:

98 comments:

  1. Hi Joanne, what a wonderful name for the animal band and book.....The Animal Crackers! I would read this book and liked the pitch, but I wondered if the second half of your first sentence could be changed slightly to imply how elephant has difficulty not the instrument doesn't work? Something like....but every instrument he tries his trunk at ends in disaster, whether etc etc....hope this helps 🐘🐘🐘

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  2. What a great sounding story and title! I think the pitch is excellent. I really want to read this book (and I can just see the pictures!) My only thought- and I'm not even sure about this- is that perhaps too much is given away. Should the latter sentences imply rather than give away the ending? Great job!

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  3. Joanne, this is a wonderful pitch! The book title, the concept and ending sound awesome and I'd definitely love to read it! I think it's okay you show the ending in the pitch as it completes what's great about the whole story. My only suggestion is that 7/8 seems a little old for the story and it might skew more towards 3-6 year olds. Best of luck with this!!

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  4. I would read it but of course, I love elephants. I think the title and name of the band are well suited. The pitch needs to match the tone of your story and indicate who Elephant is. Having the type of band (music) and some of elephants personality in the pitch will strengthen it. I also agree with not giving the complete ending away. You want the editor or agent to want to read to find out. Best wishes!

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  5. S'Moreo is a great recipe name. I think that could be published in a recipe book or magazine!

    And Joanne, this is a darling premise for a story. I think the pitch sounds perfect.

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  6. Thank so much for the feedback - I had considered not giving away the ending (and there actually is another twist that isn't shown here), but reconsidered. Maybe it's time to re-reconsider LOL. And I love the idea of putting Elephant's personality in the pitch.

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  7. Thanks for the encouragement, Ariel! And for the tip about the age - I always have the hardest time pigeonholing things of that nature. I imagine you are absolutely right.

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  8. Thanks for the kudos, Iza. I am beginning to wonder more and more if I should be more secretive about the ending in the pitch - I like the idea of implying it rather than stating it outright. Gotta grab the editor's attention, right?

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  9. Great point, Julie! I hadn't thought about how it isn't really a matter of the instruments "working" as it is the difficulty using them. I really appreciate you helping me out that way. Thanks a ton!

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  10. Thanks a bunch, Tina! You definitely made me smile. Thanks for stopping by :)

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  11. Yes, I would read it. The story sounds adorable, and the pitch is well written. And how cute is the band's name?! My only suggestion has already been brought up--not to give away the ending. I've heard it both ways--not to be too mysterious with the ending and not to give it away completely. If you can walk that line somehow, I think your pitch will be perfect. Great job, Joanne!

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  12. Mike Allegra writerFebruary 25, 2015 at 9:25 AM

    And what does Phyllis have to say about your spring prediction?

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  13. Hi Joanne! I've "seen" you around the Debut Study Group. (waves) My comments are very minor. The "whether he swallows the harmonica or breaks a drum" sounds like an add-on. Can you integrate it more fully into the sentence? It's not that the instruments don't work, it seems like he just doesn't know how to use them or is too large and clumsy. Maybe, "but he inadvertently wreaks havoc with the instruments, swallowing the harmonica and breaking a drum."

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  14. I would read it! I think it's a funny premise and would lend itself to some great illustrations.


    Also: S'MOreos are genius.

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  15. I will share in your delusions - erm - hopes of spring coming right around the corner, Susanna :-)


    And I have to admit that today's pitch made me smile by the time I got to the end of it. So yes, I would read it!

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  16. Skipping S'moreos & going straight for the chocolate....
    Joanne - I like the pitch. I especially like that elephant will use his feet (as that's what elephants do). I also like the idea someone else tossed out: that elephant inadvertently breaks other instruments. I would definitely read this!

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  17. Yum an dI'll have some to the S'moreo! Joanne, I see you everywhere on FB, girl. Hey again. I think the pitch is pretty much perfect now. I like the Animal Cracker idea. Also, you explain a few of the Elephant's obstacles, but not all. That's specific, but it still keeps me wanting to read the ms. Like the language "trumpeting trunk." Can you add a bit more word play like that to the pitch? My ONLY concern is there are so many animal wants to play music store sour in the kid lit word...have you researched comps and how your's is different? Goo duck.

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  18. That would be "good luck."

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  19. I would definitely read this story. It sounds adorable! My only suggestion is to add some more emotional conflict to the pitch. Why does he want to be in the band so badly? I know a pitch has to be short, but it also has to make us connect with the character so I think a little emotional pull would work nicely. Good luck!

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  20. Hi Joanne! This sounds fun! I would read it.
    Your pitch has all the necessary plot points and portrays humor and fun. Personally, I never like to give away the ending and think your pitch will stand strong and concise if you end it at ..."he discovers he's had music in him all along." That still reveals the ending, but leaves us wondering exactly how. I also wondered how much his friends are helping, or if he solves the problem on his own. I guess I'd have to read it to find out! You've peaked my curiousity. Great job!

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  21. Would definitely read it, Joanne. It sounds like a lot of fun. I wonder. Could you say why he breaks the instruments? Also, maybe add more about the music? It must play a big part in the story yet you don't talk about it too much. I could be way off base too. I just think it needs more about the music. *waves peace sign*

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  22. You already have some great comments to improve your pitch. It's a cute concept, but I agree that you gave too much away. In the end, I was leaning toward "no, I wouldn't read it" because I felt like I knew the whole story already.


    My suggestion is to maybe make the last sentence the first sentence: "Meet the newest member of the Animal Crackers." (italicize title) "Elephant wants to play in his animal friends' band, but every instrument he tries ends in disaster. Whether he..." then just hint at how Elephant finds that his trunk and feet aren't as useless as he thought.


    That way you can have your Title as the first part of your pitch, something that's very useful in queries.


    I also like the suggestion to add voice and personality to your pitch, that's the other thing that will help me want to read your book. For example, what kind of music do the animals play? Are they a marching band or a rock band, or some other kind?


    I remember a little sketch done on Word World where Dog can't play any of the instruments, but finally learns he can play an instrument by dancing. (I think he ends up dancing on a drum.)

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  23. Thanks, Erin. Looks like finding that line is my next project. :)

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  24. Hi, Kirsten! Great ideas about making my sentence flow better - definitely appreciate them. And see you around :D

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  25. Thanks so much, Sue :) - loving all the ideas!

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  26. I really should do comps, shouldn't I, Kathy? Cuz I haven't. Thanks for the reminder to get that done before I start sending this to anyone besides Susanna ;). And I see YOU everywhere too!

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  27. Emotional conflict is definitely something I'm working on in the story itself, Kirsten - which makes adding it to the pitch a FABULOUS idea. Gotta make that connection. Thanks for the feedback!

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  28. Thanks for the temp reading, Susanna...and you are right...March is followed by April, May and June...at which juncture we might finally see the ground...if the snow has melted by then. ;)

    S'Moreo...WOW...perfect name...and perfect ingredients!

    And I would DEFINITELY read Joanne's story. Joanne, this is so adorable and clever...I can actually envision the illustrations as animal crackers...you know, the ones in the little cookie boxes.

    The pitch is pretty darn perfect, I think...if anything, I'd add a third try that doesn't work and a third way he does make music...for that magic element of three. Also, maybe you can get some alliteration in there...destroys a drum, steps on a saxophone, cracks the castanets. Best of luck with the story, Joanne!

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  29. I LOVE the idea of the last sentence moving to the front, and all of your other fabulous suggestions. Thanks a TON for taking the time. I appreciate it LOTS!

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  30. Thanks, Vivian. And you know, you aren't the first person to envision these guys as actual animal crackers. I really need to ponder that one. And I'm loving your alliteration idea too. SO much good stuff here. Thanks a bunch!

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  31. Hi Joanne! YES! I would read it...and animal cracker band sounds adorable. I wonder, though, if you give too much away when you say where elephant finds his music. More alliteration and vivid verbs would be fun additions, too, I think. Great story idea! Can't wait to read it in a book. :)

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  32. Now, I would eat that! And I can't believe my son hasn't suggested this. Too bad I don't have a gas stove. I'd be standing over the range with a marshmallow right now, if I did.


    Yes, I would read this! I can just imagine the visuals. Hilarious! I don't know if I would give away the ending, though. Perhaps leave us with a question of how he's going to end up fitting in?

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  33. The Illinois prairie is not much warmer than Blueberry Hill, Oh, Susannah!


    Yes, Joanne, my writerly friend, I would read The Animal Crackers! And I have [read it]!


    Hope you can find some ideas with the following thoughts I share with you . . . Elephant wants to play in a band with all of his animal friends. Every instrument that he attempts to play is a challenge for him. His friends encourage Elephant to find the *just right* instrument. Read how Elephant's trumpeting trunk plays the perfect pitch.

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  34. Okay, S'Moreo is as brilliant as Joanne's pitch! I think I love both. :) I thought I had a suggestion for something to add, but upon second and third reading, I really think you have nailed it. Way to go, Joanne!

    And, Susanna, my poor dear...I think you need to smear melted chocolate all over your hands in order to keep them warm. ;) I wish we could have another warming lunch together; what better way to chase away winter blues than lunching with good friends who make us laugh?

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  35. Oh, Teresa! Thank you so VERY much for the encouragement! You most definitely brought me a real live grin.

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  36. Thanks a TON, Suzy - you ALWAYS give me great suggestions. Love the alliteration here. Such fabulous feedback!

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  37. Jilanne - I'm convinced giving it away is NOT the right way to go. Thanks a bunch for taking the time! I appreciate you!

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  38. Alliteration is one of my favorite poetic devices - and yet I barely used it in here. Thanks so much, Rene, for the nudge in that direction (and give Allison a hug for me next time you see her!!). Great feedback that I SO appreciate!

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  39. You have really mastered the pitch, Joanne! I think you could hire yourself out to write query letters for people. :)

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  40. Indeed I would read it. Fun, fun story idea. Others gave gratification advice about giving away too much of the plot. We only need to know that Elephant had all the music he needed all along. And Susanna, thanks, those S'MOreos will warm me up here in the tundra!

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  41. I will also just grab the chocolate, Susanna. Not a fan of Oreos (Gasp - I know right?)

    Joanne, I am definitely intrigued. I agree with Vivian's suggestion to use alliteration and I do think you could end with "Elephant discovers he's had music in him all along. Meet the newest member of the Animal Crackers!" Can't wait to read the book! I love elephants! Good Luck.

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  42. I really like this chocolaty dessert. And you're right, it's weird that no one thought of this before. But it's got a following now.

    A definite YES to reading this book. I can tell it is a funny story. The part that throws me a bit is the phrase following the dash. Love the action, it tells me all about the funny in this story. I was wondering if there is a timeline when the mishaps happen? For example, on the first day he swallows harmonica, or as soon as he arrives for practice he breaks the drum. The fact that he has music in him (especially after swallowing that harmonica) all along is all we need to know about this newest band member. But this book seems to be able to do what I want to learn to do. Bring the funny. thanks for sharing it.

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  43. I just read what I offered. Uhm....er, just read past this. And take the advise from the others. I did not make much sense. Oopsies! May I still have more dessert?

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  44. Yes, I would absolutely read it. Take out the "whether".


    That smore looks interesting... I made some with mini chocolate chips & marshmallows on gingersnap cookies in the toaster oven earlier this week. Not the best choice of snack ever, but it was -30 Celcius. brrr.

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  45. I love the message in the pitch and the visual I get of the elephant swallowing the harmonica made me smile. :)
    And Susanna, I'm on your side with this March stuff. I'm completely pushing my fingers in my ears and singing La La La as the weather guy forecasts snow for tomorrow. Also, so happy to learn about a new healthy treat!! ;)

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  46. Aw, Teresa - that's so sweet. If you only knew how long it took me to put that together. :)

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  47. YES! I'd read your story Joanne! It's sounds like it's just the opposite of Little Pig Joins the Band, which I just re-read yesterday and I love that book! I also love elephants so I can totally picture an elephant trying to find an instrument to play.

    I always mix up pitch, blurb, hook, etc so I wonder if you're giving away too much here. I'm not sure if I'm mixing it up with something else. I might also mention the name of the band sooner otherwise I do picture them as actual animal crackers.

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  48. Thanks, Keila - definitely taking that advice to heart! Appreciate it.

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  49. Thanks, Maria - alliteration it is - been working on it in my head already :D

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  50. You can have as much dessert as you want, Pam (if my say is important LOL). And I understand what you are saying up there - and agree. Thanks for your feedback - autocorrect can be a pain. :)

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  51. Thanks, Joy! Appreciate your feedback :)

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  52. Thanks, Marla - will definitely consider leaving out the "whether" and rephrasing. And -30 celcius is CRAZY! Uugh!

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  53. Thanks Coleen - love to hear I made you smile. Really appreciate the feedback!

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  54. Thanks so much, Kim! I think I need to pick up Little Pig Joins the Band. And I'm pretty sure that I probably am giving away too much. Thanks for popping over!

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  55. This book sounds absolutely adorable. The only thing I'm wanting to know is if they are depicted as actual animal crackers (cookies) or is that the name of the band or whatever? Love the premise! And yes, spring will be rearing its (my) pollen-filled head very soon!

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  56. Joanne, the pitch is adorable, with nice specifics and visuals. I love Vivian's alliteration and Rule of Three advice, and Jen's moving the band's name to the beginning. But it's a fabu pitch.
    And Susanna. I could so eat a sleeve of S'Moreos. Right now.

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  57. Loved your pitch, Joanne! I would definitely read it!

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  58. Thanks so much for your encouragement for Joanne, Tina! And I have to agree - I think S'MOreos are pure genius! :)

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  59. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Joanne, Stacy! And I know what you mean - I could too! Let's help ourselves to a mid-afternoon snack :)

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  60. Thanks so much for your comments for Joanne, Coleen! And please! Do not use that "s" word around here!!! :) I'm glad you enjoyed the S'MOreos - I'm all about health food :)

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  61. Thank you for your helpful comments for Joanne, Pam! And OF COURSE you may have more dessert! You need to keep up your strength! I heard a rumor (from my sister) that Georgia was briefly in danger of the possibility of snow! You wouldn't want to faint from hunger while contemplating the idea that you might possibly have to consider looking for the snow shovel! :)

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  62. Thanks for you enthusiasm for Joanne, Rosi! And I'm glad you love the S'MOreos! Such a clever idea!!!

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  63. Thank you so much for your helpful comments for Joanne, Maria! And WHAT? No Oreos? Do you like the pretend ones that have blond cookies instead of chocolate, or is it the creme filling you don't take to? Golly. What does your milk do without its favorite cookie?! :)

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  64. Thanks so much for your comments for Joanne, Keila! And I am so glad you like the S'MOreos! I like everyone to feel warm and taken care of (and properly supplied with chocolate :))

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  65. I know, right? Isn't a S'MOreo just about the best idea ever?! Thanks for your comments for Joanne, T, and no worries - my hands (which I'm assuming are still there) are used to getting cold in the barn :) But gosh, it would be fun to have lunch together again!!!!!!!!!

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  66. Thank you for your very helpful comments and suggestions for Joanne, Suzy! And "Illinois Prairie" sounds so pretty... even if it's also cold :) Stay warm - have some S'MOreos :)

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  67. Thanks so much for your comments for Joanne, Jilanne! Oh, and FYI, if you try toasting marshmallows over the stove, pay attention to the melt-ness - they are a bear to clean off the burners! Not that I would know from personal experience... :)

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  68. Thanks so much for your helpful comments and suggestions for Joanne, Rene! :)

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  69. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Joanne, Vivian! I'm glad you enjoy the S'MOreos as much as I do :) As for the endless snow (which is falling right now, for a change...) my daughter told be about the funniest thing she saw online: shipsnowyo.com where someone in Boston will mail you Boston snow... but not to any address in the Northeast because they're trying to expunge. It's hilarious! :)

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  70. I know, right?! How did we not think of S'MOreos way before this???!!! Thanks for you helpful comments for Joanne, Debbie! GREAT idea about the trunk on his face - very clever!

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  71. Thanks so much for your very thoughtful comments for Joanne, Jen! :)

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  72. Thanks so much for your helpful suggestions for Joanne, Robyn! Apparently you've got rhythm and were born to dance :) Play that funky music! :)

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  73. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments for Joanne, Carrie! :)

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  74. Thanks for your helpful comments for Joanne, Kirsten! You make a good point! :)

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  75. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Joanne, Kathy! Goo duck :) I love it :) Much more fun than the traditional good luck :)

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  76. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Joanne, Sue! And golly - look at these hordes of people (2) that don't care for Oreos! Who'da'thunk it?! :)

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  77. Thanks so much for your comments for Joanne, Angela, and for supporting me in my delusions :)

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  78. Thanks so much for chiming in for Joanne, Marlaina! And I know! Why have we never thought of S'MOreos before? So simple! So perfect! So delicious! :)

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  79. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Joanne, Kirsten! :)

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  80. Well, she'd snoring away under 7 fluffy blankets, so I'll have to let you know... :)

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  81. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Joanne, Erin! :)

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  82. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments for Joanne, Diane! :)

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  83. Thanks so much for chiming in for Joanne, Ariel, and for your helpful age-range suggestion!

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  84. Thanks so much for sharing your expertise with Joanne, Iza! :)

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  85. Thanks so much for your helpful suggestions for Joanne, Julie, and for all those cute elephants :)

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  86. This sounds like a fun story Joanne. I would like to read it! Perhaps you could say... but every time he plays an instrument it ends in disaster (rather than telling exactly what happens). I also think you should leave out stomping feet and trumpeting trunk so the reader has to read the book to find out how Elephant discovers he had music in him all along. Good luck with your pitch.

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  87. Thanks so much, Donna! And the whole animal crackers thing is still up in the air - and something I'm considering. Thanks for the feedback!

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  88. Thanks so much, Carol! You made me smile.

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  89. Thanks so much, Rachel - great advice, and I so appreciate the encouragement as well. Working on revising (in my head, anyway), as I type.

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  90. Thanks so much for chiming in for Joanne, Rachel! :)

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  91. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikFebruary 28, 2015 at 7:39 PM

    AWESOME!!! I love the title, the plot, the SM'Oreo, EVERYTHING! Well, not the cold... ;)

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  92. Is it as cold in Pennsylvania as it is here? A friend of mine pointed out that it was warmer in Fairbanks Alaska then it was at my house last week. Something is wrong with that picture!!!

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  93. Thanks so much, Erik! I appreciate your encouragement. :) Working on polishing it up right now :)

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  94. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikMarch 1, 2015 at 8:48 PM

    We have about a foot of snow here, and it started snowing last night and is still snowing - I am hoping for NO SCHOOL tomorrow **please please please**

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  95. You must be practically homeschooled, the way the weather is going this winter! :)

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  96. What a great concept! I know many children who would enjoy this story :)

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