November 26, 2014

Would You Read It Wednesday #154 - Got Your Nose (PB)

Well, dearies, you're about to get the most unembellished Would You Read It post ever!

That is because yesterday I had to drive to Boston... normally a 7 hour round trip, but what with Thanksgiving traffic and the fact that lots of people were traveling early due to the storm we're getting today, it took closer to 12.

By the time I got home, it was 11:20 PM, and I still had to write today's post...

But the important stuff is here :)

The winner of the October Pitch Pick was Michelle, with her PB pitch for Zoo Rules!  Congratulations, Michelle, well done!  Your pitch is on its way to editor Erin Molta, and I'm sure you'll hear from her soon.

And congratulations to our other brave pitchers as well!  Everyone did such a great job, and you are all winners just for writing and polishing your pitches and putting them out there for people to comment on!

Even in my zombie I've-been-driving-a-car-non-stop-for-nearly-12-hours stupor, I would not forget your Something Chocolate!  I think it should be something Thanksgiving-y, don't you?  In the spirit of giving, I offer you a choice of
milk...

or dark... :)

But anyway you gobble it, a chocolate turkey is delicious :)

Now then, today's pitch comes to us from Jean, who says, "I am a critical care nurse by day, and aspiring writer on my days off.  I write a nursing blog at nightingalechronicles.com, and have been published at inthepowderroom.com,  but I have always had a love of children’s stories.  I am a mother of three children ages 11, 9, and 7.  I look forward to submitting my pitch; this will be my first time putting my children’s work out there."

I'd like to add a quick note that Jean's schedule caused her to be on duty for her Would You Read It day, so please know that she will be reading your comments as soon as she can, and responding when she can, but it will probably take her a couple days.  She is very grateful for your help!

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Got Your Nose
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: Who doesn’t love the game 'Got Your Nose’?  Jack doesn’t, that’s for sure; well, not anymore.  You see, Jack loved playing 'Got Your Nose' with his mom, but when bedtime came Jack wasn’t ready to quit.  Instead, Jack decided to see if he could play with his sleeping brother’s nose by stealing it right off of his face.  But when Jack heard the sounds of approaching footsteps he nervously tossed his brother’s nose sending it flying on a harrowing adventure thatll be bound to make you hold your breath, and your nose a little tighter.


So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Jean improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in January so you've got a little time to polish up your pitches and send yours for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Jean is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to spending tomorrow with family!  AND I can say with truthfulness that it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... since our trusty local weather predictors are forecasting 8-12 inches of snow for us today!

Have a wonderful Wednesday, everyone, and I hope you all have safe travels (if you're traveling), and wonderful, happy, healthy, brimming with fun and family Thanksgivings (if you're celebrating)!!!  :)




Reactions:

53 comments:

  1. Well boo to the 12 hour drive, but great to get home safe and sound. Hopefully, a nap lurks on the horizon. For Jean's pitch, who doesn't remember that traditional game so the premise would hold appeal. I would tighten/shorten the pitch. Maybe begin with "Jack loved playing 'Got Your Nose' with his mom, but when bedtime came Jack wasn’t ready to quit." because that is where the action starts. It's a yes for me because it made me curious to find out how Jack will solve this mess! Best of luck, Jean!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yowsa ~ a day of marathon driving yesterday followed by a day of marathon eating tomorrow . . . are you running a marathon today remove the kinks?


    Happy Thanksgiving. Dark, please.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh dear, Susanna...what a harrowing unending ride...I'm glad you are home safe. :)
    I wish you and your family the most Happy Thanksgiving! And congrats to Michelle...I loved your story!
    I would definitely read Jean's story...what a unique topic. :) I think a bit of tightening might be helpful and perhaps giving us some hints as to what happens to the nose (does Jack have to go in search of it?). :) Here's a thought:

    Hold on to your noses! Jack is playing 'Got Your Nose' with his sleeping brother, but when he tosses the nose away, it flies (or travels) to (name 2 or 3 places or things that happen). Will Jack succeed in finding it and returning it to his brother's face before morning?

    ReplyDelete
  4. HaHa! What a unique story idea! Yes, I'd definitely read it, just to see what happens. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so glad you made it home safely, Susanna. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Thank you for making your blog such a special place. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. What a story!! Both about you and Jean. Jean's life is like mine was twenty years ago when I worked at a hospital and had to work either on Thanksgiving or on Christmas and New Years eve. And every other weekend as a single mom. So Jean has one more blog follower!! wow! and writing children's stories as well? she must be super mom. As for the pitch?

    It is a little long with the interesting thing, that Jack heard footsteps should be in the first paragraph. But the whole pitch as stated above would make a great blurb for the back of the book. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Gaaah, Thanksgiving traffic is the absolute worse. Glad you're home safely now.

    I love Jean's idea! But, I think her pitch needs a bit of tightening cutting out the conversational parts (like, "you see" and "that's for sure") and add one line more about the actual adventure part itself. Other than that, it sounds like a fun read. Good luck, Jean!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Susanna, I'm always impressed by the amount of driving you do! My daughter-in-law's father's done lots of long trips, too! I know I couldn't easily do it, but glad you're back home for the holiday. The weather's screwing up ours, for sure. Just always pray everyone's safe through it :)


    With the pitch, I'm DEfinitely curious, but I'm not typically one for disembodied body parts, even if it's just a nose : / It's probably just me, though! :)


    Btw, I'm a milk chocolate gal, Susanna...just so you know ;)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I definitely would read this story. I think kids will love the thought of losing their little brother's nose and having to find it. I agree with Linda Boyden about starting with "Jack loved playing . . . ," and the next sentence could be tied in with "so he stole . . . ." Consider clarifying the last phrase with "and hold on to your nose . . . ."

    Those turkeys look so good, I can't wait! Dark meat with cherry gravy, please. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Glad to hear you made your trip safely Susanna! And please keep all that snow in your area, I certainly wouldn't want that much in a day!
    As for the chocolate turkeys, I'll take both. The milk chocolate one to have as a decoration and the dark chocolate one to eat!

    Jean's pitch sounds interesting, I don't think I've ever read a book about this game before, what a good idea! I agree though that the pitch seems a bit long. I think something along the lines of Vivian's suggestion really tightens it up quite well.
    Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

    ReplyDelete
  11. One of our sons got home from Boston at 4am this morning! Too bad the holidays entail so much driving. Happy Thanksgiving, Susanna. :)
    I agree on tightening the pitch. Maybe something like: Jack loved playing 'Got Your Nose' with his mom, but when bedtime came and Jack stole, then lost, his sleeping brother’s nose he follows the nose on an adventure to X, Y, Z, that’ll be bound to make you hold your nose a little tighter.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sorry you had such a harrowing trip, but glad you made it safely. I would like to know a little more about the adventure of the missing nose. This certainly is a fresh idea for a PB, so I would be interested in reading it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I like the idea of the tossed nose. :) Sounds like a fun read.
    Happy Thanksgiving!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Wendy, I'm cracking up. I just commented and use "x,y,z" as well. Great minds...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Congratulations, Michelle!!
    Glad you had safe travels, Susanna. Sorry it took so long! Thanks for a choice of turkeys :•)
    I would read Jeans's book based on the pitch, but agree with suggestions for tightening.
    Happy Thanksgiving!

    ReplyDelete
  16. So it's come to chocolate turkeys, has it? Haha! I like your state-of-stupor humor, even if I wish you could teletransport. Hope you'll be having very homey Thanksgiving, Susanna.
    I'd read Jean's book, and agree with Kirsten's and Wendy's comments (they're my AWESOME CPs!).

    ReplyDelete
  17. Susanna, glad you're back safely. Enjoy Thanksgiving.

    I would definitely read this book. I haven't one with this game either! Nice concept. I also would recommend tightening the pitch - here's another possibility:


    Jack loved playing 'Got Your Nose' with his mom. Approaching footsteps cause Jack to nervously toss his brother’s stolen nose, sending it flying to ___, ____, & ___, in an adventure that’ll make you hold your breath, and your nose a little tighter.

    Good Luck with it. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. 12 hours of driving? I'm just glad you had your eyes open long enough to get the post done. I hope you're getting some much needed rest.


    As for that turkey, I'll take dark and milk please :-)


    The WYRI pitch is very cute. I would read it. From the comments, it looks like some great advice has been shared already to impove this adorable adventure of a pitch.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm here, finally after a long shift and a treacherous ride home through the snow and sleet!! I want to thank each one of you who commented today. I really appreciate all of your advice. Tightening the pitch seems to be the major theme throughout all the comments, message received loud and clear! This helps so much because this was my first pitch, and I wasn't sure where to begin and where to end, so starting with the action makes sense. I loved coming home to find all these fantastic and constructive comments.


    Thank you Susanna for this opportunity.


    I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I love this idea. I think you could cut the first two and a half sentences and still have a clear pitch. I agree with the commenter who said she'd like a hint of what kind of adventure the nose has. So much fun! Good luck with it.

    ReplyDelete
  21. The pitch is well constructed, so even though I suspect that a story about a free-floating nose might not work on a practical level, yes, I would read on. I think this a really well-written pitch. It flows logically, gets the voice right, and makes me curious. Maybe an editor would want to see an example of what the adventures are going to be like? I'm not sure. Personally, I think it ends in a way that generates interest. On the downside, I really have trouble picturing how anyone is going to animate this nose. Grammatically speaking, I'd suggest some additional punctuation in a couple of places, as well as one change of phrasing: 1) add a comma after "tossed his brother's nose", 2) add a comma after "approaching footsteps", 3) add a comma after "tossed his brother's nose", 4) change the last phrase to "that's bound to make you hold your breath--and your nose--a little tighter".

    ReplyDelete
  22. I need to say that as soon as I saw the title of this pitch, I thought "why didn't I think of that?" LOVE the concept. I would also recommend tightening it up - felt quite wordy.

    So glad you made it safely, Susanna - that did NOT sound like fun drive! And I'll take the milk chocolate, thanks :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikNovember 28, 2014 at 9:06 AM

    Have fun in Boston! Sorry about your 12 hour driving trip!
    The pitch is great, and I love the idea! A nose, off of a face during an innocent game - HILARIOUS! I agree with the others! :)
    By the way, I would take the milk choc. turkey, 'cause it looks bigger. But I'd take both in a pinch. :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Driving is never fun with holiday traffic. You have my sympathies.


    Yes, I would read this. I love the idea of sending a stolen nose on a harrowing adventure. It's just ridiculous enough to work for a kid's book! But I think I would shorten the pitch. It would work better for me if it started at "Jack loved playing 'Got Your Nose' with mom..." And then I would tighten the rest. Otherwise, great pitch!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Great idea. I really liked the pitch. Just like the others stated, I would tighten it up a little bit and start with the action. :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. I would definitely read this! Such a cute idea, Jean. Here are a few tweaks (for your pitch, not your nose :) ) If you put it all in present tense, it will give it a more active tone. Also, I think I would start with the third sentence. Something like this... "Jack loves playing "Got Your Nose" with his mom, but when bedtime comes and Jack's not ready to quit, he turns to his sleeping brother.and steals the nose right off his face! When Jack hears ..." You get the idea. Great job!

    Susanna, thank you for hosting WYRI. I loved participating and received so many helpful suggestions. Congratulations to Michelle! :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Jean, Debbie! And you are very welcome - it is really my pleasure to host WYRI! - and it's all the wonderful people who come over to read and comment and help out that make it what it is! I'm glad you found it helpful :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Thanks so much for chiming in for Jean, Brandie! :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. It was impressive. I never realized how much I took going faster than 4 miles per hour for granted :) Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Jean, Jilanne!

    ReplyDelete
  30. The fun I had in Boston was picking up my son and bringing him home for Thanksgiving :) Now he is back at school, but I only have to miss him for two weeks before he's home again for Christmas :) Thanks so much for your thoughts for Ms. O'Connor, and you are welcome to both turkeys - you've got to keep up your strength, after all :)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Thanks so much for your thoughts for Jean, Joanne! And it was a long drive... but at least I had my son with me on the way home :) Enjoy the milk chocolate!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Thank you for your very thoughtful and helpful suggestions for Jean, Heather!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Thanks for chiming in for Jean, Genevieve!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh my goodness! I'm glad you made it home safely! I'm thrilled if you are finding WYRI helpful, and you are most welcome for the opportunity - it's really all our wonderful, helpful readers we have to thank :) Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

    ReplyDelete
  35. Thanks so much for your thoughts for Jean, Angela! And yes... it was a LONG drive. The traffic was quite unbelievable! I'm glad I didn't know when I started out that the drive was going to be that long! Enjoy the chocolate, and hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! :)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Thanks, Maria! And thanks so much for your very helpful suggestions for Jean!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Thanks so much for your thoughts for Jean, Keila! And yay for MPBM! :) My inbox is a disaster after a couple days without internet and a couple days without work due to the holiday, but I'll catch up eventually and be in touch :)

    ReplyDelete
  38. Yes, yes it has, Julie. It's come to chocolate turkeys - gobble ye turkeys while ye may :) Thanks for the Thanksgiving wishes - to you too! - and thanks for your comments for Jean!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Thanks for your comments for Jean, Penny! I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Thanks so much for your excellent thoughts for Jean, Kirsten!

    ReplyDelete
  41. Thanks so much of your thoughts for Jean, Rosi! And I confess... I'm glad that drive is over :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. Oh, gosh! We could have carpooled! I'm glad he got home safely too - and now I feel lucky to have gotten home before midnight! Thanks so much for your thoughts for Jean, and happy Thanksgiving to you too, Wendy! :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. Thanks, Kimberly! And I'll try to keep the snow here but no promises... there's rumors of all kinds of wild weather coming our way the week of December 8-12 :) Thanks so much for your thoughts for Jean. Enjoy the chocolate and happy Thanksgiving!

    ReplyDelete
  44. Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Jean, Sydney! And enjoy the turkey - chocolate and otherwise :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. Well, I certainly didn't intend for that trip to take so long! Luckily I had Paula Poundstone comedy to listen to, and my son on the way home :) Thanks so much for your thoughts for Jean, and help yourself to as much milk chocolate as you like :)

    ReplyDelete
  46. I knew there'd be traffic... but I didn't think it would be THAT bad! Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Jean, Teresa! Hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful! :)

    ReplyDelete
  47. Oh yes - you and Jean must be kindred spirits, Clar! Thanks so much for your thoughts on her pitch! :)

    ReplyDelete
  48. Aw, thanks, Cheryl! It's really all you guys that make it nice over here :) I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving too!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Thanks so much for chiming in for Jean, Cheryl! :)

    ReplyDelete
  50. Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Jean, Vivian, and for your re-wording of the pitch! And thanks for the drive sympathy :) I hope you and yours had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Hahaha! Very funny, Nancy! Me! Run a marathon! :) Enjoy the dark, and Happy Thanksgiving to you too!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  52. Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts and suggestions for Jean, Linda! And yes, it was a long drive, but worth it to get my boy home for a few days :)

    ReplyDelete

I love to hear from you and try to respond to every comment. Please share your thoughts!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...