September 24, 2014

Would You Read It Wednesday #146 - Cwabby Wabby Woofen-Snoof (PB)

So yesterday morning, when it was 38 degrees and barely light, and I was out doing my duty to dogs and fitness, (I would say "running", but even "jogging" would probably be considered a gross exaggeration of my pace :)), anyway, I was out slogging and I got stung 4 times by white-faced hornets.

I know!

There I was at 6:45 AM, minding my own business, passing their (very unattractive) home with its (evil-looking) entrance and giving it a wide and respectful berth as I have done every day since I discovered it at the end of July, when an angry buzzing issued forth and I barely had time to think "uh-oh!" before zing! zing! zing! zing!

To which I responded, "Ow!"

There was some sprinting involved at that point as I envisioned the whole nest coming after me like the bees did in Winnie-the-Pooh.

Also I was pulling my fleece off over my head whilst sprinting because one of those nasty little critters had gotten up my sleeve.

And also I was hollering to my Brown Dogs to "Look out!" and "Come here!" (whilst sprinting and de-fleecing) because I was afraid of them getting stung by that evil horde.

Too bad there's no video footage :)

But really, I consider 4 to be overkill.  One would have been quite sufficient to get the message across, and even that was unwarranted as I was not threatening them in any way.  And seriously, what business did they have even being awake at that hour and in that temperature?!

I tell you, I was miffed!

And then later in the day I found out that my new book, ALPHABEDTIME!, which was due out in Fall 2015 will not be out until Summer 2016.  And you all know that impatience is my middle name, so that was a teensy bit tough.  Please don't get me wrong!  I am exceedingly grateful to have a book coming out at all!  It's just hard to wait :)

Therefore, I believe I have earned today's Something Chocolate, and I gladly share it with all of you in case you have been miffed or had to bear any little disappointments lately, or even if you haven't and just want Something Chocolate :)


Feel better?

Me too :)

Today's pitch comes to us from Carol who says, "I have been writing for about 30 years and have 7 books to my name. I have sold many articles and stories to publications such as ​Highlights for Children, Girl's Life, the SCBWI Bulletin ​and ​The Writer Magazine."

You can find her on the web at:

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Cwabby Wabby Woofen-Snoof
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-7)
The Pitch: Woofen-snoof was a happy snoof. Every day she laughed and played with the other snoofs. All of the snoofs loved her cheerful outlook and enjoyed being around her. Everyone called her Happy, Wappy, Woofen-snoof. One day, Woofen had so much fun playing that she forgot to take her nap. Uh-oh!

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Carol improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in November so you've got a little time to polish up your pitches and send yours for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Carol is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to all the season premieres this week: Big Bang - which I know already aired but I haven't gotten to watch it yet - Modern Family, Gray's Anatomy and Scandal.  Yep.  Now you know all my dirty little secrets :)

Have a wonderful Wednesday, everyone! :)


Reactions:

59 comments:

  1. Bad day! I am so sorry to hear of your stings and the delay of your book. That is very disappointing- and not just to you, but to all of us who are eagerly awaiting it...

    Carol's story sounds fun.The silly names (and characters) will surely bring on giggles. I think she can tighten up the pitch. Theres a lot of wordage that doesn't move the pitch forward. Here's an example:

    Woofen-snoof was a happy snoof. In fact, she was so cheerful and fun to play with that all the other snoofs called her Happy, Wappy, Woofen-snoof. Then came the day she forgot to take her nap...Uh-oh!



    (I am curious as to what kind of mischief she causes and, on the one hand, I think an example or two might pique more interest. On the other hand, the "uh-oh!" suggests trouble - so it might be ok to leave it as is. I'm curious what other readers have to say. Hope this helps!)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stung 4 times without provocation? Why the audacity! I wonder if some other soul bothered them before your arrival? Perhaps miffed at that other person, they took their waspy anger out on the next innocent to pass by. You deserve a double serving of today's chocolate treat.

    And impatience is something we share. But your book shall be out soon and we shall dance a merry jig at its arrival. I won't even confiscate video clips captured of my walrus-like bouncing and movement lol!

    As for today's WYRI, yes, I would because I want to to what a snoof is :-) For the pitch, I would recommend a little trimming because some of it is repetitive, like "Every day she laughed and played with the other snoofs." The sentence that follows this shows how well she gets along with the other snoofs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The most evil hornets! How dare they? So I shall send you hugs. As for Carol's pitch, the characters sound lively and adorable, but the pitch ended rather abruptly for me. The Uh, oh ending is perfect, but a clue before it suggesting the upcoming mayhem might make the pitch stronger? I'd give a yes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. GAHHHH!!!!!!! They got ya!!!! Those depraved, pernicious, loathsome little suckers. HOW DARE THEY! Don't they know you're an author? HUMPH! I hope the stings are healing and I felt guilty chuckling as I read this. I could see you galloping back to the house. Those TWITS!

    I would read it. I have never seen a Woofen-snoof. I have a picture of it in my head. The pitch needs to be tightened. It just doesn't tell me what the story is really about. There are FOUR sentences telling me how happy she is. But clue me in as to what the story is about. I literally looked for more when I came to the end of it. Best of luck. I want to meet your Woofen-snoof. *waves to Sus*

    ReplyDelete
  5. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikSeptember 24, 2014 at 8:17 AM

    Yes, I would read the book! I am curious what a snoof is, and I love the hinted at mayhem!
    I hope you have recovered finely Ms. Hill! 4... *grumbles* As Ms. Campbell (and me) would say, you need a donut! Make it a chocolate glazed, so you can then have it today. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. OUCH! x 4. That would make me Cwabby Wabby. Way too much chaos to deal with at that time of day/night.


    Next time . . . no eau de cologne before you go slogging

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh my goodness you poor thing! I got stung at a kids party the other day and one was bad enough. Seriously gutted there's no footage ;) See how great you are at multitasking lol.

    That woofy pitch is super. I love the obvious something bad will happen because the nap wasn't taken.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh gosh you so deserved three ultra chocolatey desserts after yesterday! How are the stings today? Love the title and I would streamline the happy to a couple of sentences. For me the Uh-oh is enough!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Talk about insult to injury! You poor dear. I hope you gave yourself an extra three helpings off that chocolate pudding.

    The pitch sounds like a fun story! I can hardly wait to see what a Snoof is. But, as Joanna mentioned, I would cut the happy down. One doesn't need 4 sentences of it to build up the background in which to spring the "uh oh" on. :) I'd like to hear a bit more about the "uh oh" event and its consequences. From reading and learning from Erin's critiques, I think that's what she would ask for too. Good luck with this, Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I would read it because I want to know what a snoof is. I think it would be a good idea to change the pitch to present tense. Also, try to tell more of a short story in the pitch. Following is a quick, off-the-cuff example. I'm not saying this is what it should say because I don't even know if this is what happens in the story. I'm just giving it as an example to get you thinking. Sometimes people give a hint at the lesson learned as well, but that is a personal preference. I didn't do that in the example. Best of luck with your pitch and your story. It sounds like a cute story, and I love the cute names. Example: Happy, Wappy, Woofen-snoof is loved by all the other snoofs until the day she forgoes her nap for fun and becomes Cwabby, Wabby, Woofen-snoof and loses all her friends.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am in my own little snit today as I QUIT GETTING YOUR POST NOTIFICATIONS. Who knows how much awesomeness I've missed here? And who knows WHY this snafu happens? To ME! It's a HUGE mystery, let me tell you.

    On the other hand, I'm sting free, so I guess I'll just sign up again and count myself lucky.

    So the woofen-snoof PB. Yep, I read it 'cause I'm curious about the snoof. But I agree that the pitch takes up too many valuable words on the happy side without giving us enough of the conflict that ensues with our little woofen snoof when he/she/it misses the nap.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh gosh, Susannah, 4 stings! Cannot imagine how much that hurts! Eat as much chocolate as you can take :) It does look delicious! For the WYRI I would read it because like everyone else I want to see what a snoof is. So this is what I love: I love the fact of a young snoof who is happy, happy, happy. She is loved. Everyone wants to play with her, etc. and I love the twist as to what happens when she nixes the nap. so here is the But: and I think I am in the minority over the name - particularly the middle name - I am not crazy about the Wabby or Wappy. Unless this is meant for a two or three year old I think it makes it sound too baby-ish. So if this isn't done in rhyme, I am wondering if the second word can somehow be changed. It is simpler for the Crabby because then it could be Crabby Abby but the appy - not sure what what could be used there.
    I also agree with the fact that the first part of the pitch needs to be shorter and the second part a bit longer. We need to know a bit more as to what happens when she is crabby. All in all - this sounds like a wonderfully imaginative and creative story and character that kids (and parents) will connect with :) Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Quadruple ouch! Good think you aren't allergic to those little buzzers. I think they're telling you to take another route. Either that, or they were getting ready to take a long winter's nap and were just a wee bit ticked off at hearing footsteps. Do the stings itch now?


    And then to compound the bad news with a pub date delay. I think I would have required a chocolate mountain of salve. Hope you've received other good news to offset the disappointment.


    re: the pitch


    While I love the the wordplay of Woofen-snoof, I had to read the pitch twice for it to interest me. Perhaps it's my ADD, but I wasn't intrigued by the happy build-up to the missed nap. Or maybe what I really need is a sense of what happens once the nap is missed. Not to mean that I want all revealed, I just would like a bit less of the happy stuff and a bigger hint of what the meltdown will look like, especially if the author has an unusual way of portraying the meltdown. And now that I'm reading the other comments, I guess what I'm saying is "ditto." :D

    ReplyDelete
  14. I would like to thank everyone for their comments so far. They will be very helpful in rewriting my pitch. I look forward to reading other comments.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Curse those nasty, nasty buggers! Gee, I hope it doesn't sting ya too badly, Susanna, but I must admit that I'm chuckling with Robyn because of the hysterical scene you painted! :0)


    I would definitely read it for the title alone, and agree with previous folks when they say to tighten and tease with more of the story.


    Feel better, Susanna and I love the title of your upcoming book too...I'll definitely read yours! :0)

    ReplyDelete
  16. White-faced hornets? I didn't know there were such things. So sorry. As for the pitch, honestly, I would have trouble getting past the title. I have a real problem with baby talk. Also, I don't think there is enough here to peak my interest. Sorry to be so negative.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Not fair! Hope you are okay. :) Maybe you can spray that nest with something and knock it down! Or have someone else take care of it. :)

    I would read your story, Carol...a woofen-snoof sounds like a delightful creature...what a great name! :) But I agree with the others that you can tighten the pitch by taking out some of the happy. Is it a rhyming pb? If not, maybe the Cwabby Wabby and Happy Wappy might change...they are a bit toddler-ish sounding. ;)
    Here's just a thought:
    Woofen-snoof is a happy snoof. One day, Woofen has so much fun playing that she forgets to take her nap. Uh-oh! When she (2 things she does that annoy her friends) and her friends don't want to play with her, Woofen must (what does she do) and ultimately discovers that even snoofs need to sleep. (or whatever the takeaway is)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks, Alayne...maybe I got it from you. :) Or in Susanna's Making Picture Book Magic class. :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Vivian, Thanks. Great suggestion. The intended audience is the younger child - 2-5-ish.

    ReplyDelete
  20. It is similar to something I share with clients, so perhaps, Vivian. Nevertheless, it works well in this case.

    ReplyDelete
  21. OK, Carol had me at "Cwabby Wabby Woofen-Snoof"!!! Totally! I'm totally smitten with EVERYthing about it. I love the language and I really want to know/see what a snoof is! (I know what I'm imagining and I think any editor or illustrator would! I want to read this book----NOW! :D
    And of course, the chocolate----NOW! :D

    ReplyDelete
  22. Donna, Thanks for your kind words. I hope I can find an editor that thinks like you do!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Susanna, so sorry about the stings. I hate wasps and yellow jackets thatcan repeatedly stink. Feel better soon! LOVE the chocolate.

    I would read the book, if only to discover what a Snoof is, I agree with the previous comments and especially like Alayne and Vivian's suggestions to offer just a bit more of the story and a little less of the happy. Tease the reader with a greater sense of what happens when she misses her nap.

    ReplyDelete
  24. McM, Thanks for your comments. I will definitely take your advice about how to improve my pitch.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Carol, DEFINITELY would read this one. You had me at the title. Great poetry and humor in those four words! Sounds perfect for 2-5 year-olds, who still nap. With sophisticated illustrations it could appeal to older children as well. I think you could take out the third sentence (the first four sentences basically say the same thing four different ways--make sure each one adds something necessary to the pitch). I love it!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Susanna, so sorry to hear that you got stung. But thankfully, you're not allergic to the sting. Hope you feel better soon!!
    I would definitely read Carol's story, because I'm curious to know what kind of trouble Snoof gets into by missing a nap. Does Snoof get cranky? Does Snoof become out of control? Show readers what happens when Snoof misses a nap and what other character is involved in your story. Good luck with your story!! ^^

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thanks, Hope. I know - I was lucky - a) not to be allergic and b) that more of them didn't attack!
    Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Carol! And for your kind sympathy - but no worries, I am fine :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Thanks so much for your thoughts for Carol, Michelle - I'm sure she'll be thrilled! :)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thank you for the sympathy, Maria :) I just really felt they were out of line! :) And thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thanks so much for your comments for Carol, Donna - I'm sure she'll be so pleased you like it so much! :)

    ReplyDelete
  31. The nest is not on my property :) But as it happens, something bashed it open yesterday! Karma? I actually feel bad for the hornets - they worked so hard on it and now their home is in ruins. But really, the stinging was unnecessary!
    Thanks so much for your very helpful comments for Carol, Vivian!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Yes, there are such things, Rosi, and they are nasty little zingers!
    Thanks for your thoughts on the pitch - I understand and appreciate your apology about negativity, but it doesn't help anyone to be positive if that's not what you really think. A negative opinion expressed politely and tactfully is just as helpful, because as a writer, you have to know how your work is affecting everyone - not just the people who like it. Even though it's hard :(

    ReplyDelete
  33. Aw, you're so sweet Donna! Thank you for your kind sympathy (I'm fine! No worries!) and thank you even more for saying you'll read ALPHABEDTIME! when it comes out! :) And thanks for your comments for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm glad you're finding the comments helpful Carol! We are lucky to have such a generous, thoughtful and knowledgeable group!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I don't know what got into those little stinkers, Jilanne,but there you have it - hornets will be hornets, I guess! Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  36. Thank you, Kim, the chocolate helped a lot :) And thanks for your very helpful comments for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  37. WHAAAATTT???!!! You're not getting my notifications? Poopy! (And I don't use that kind of language lightly!) Really, technology confounds me. You're not getting notifications, other people can't comment, where will the craziness end?! It's supposed to just WORK! Thank you for coming to find me anyway, Cathy!
    And thank you for your thoughts for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thank you for your thoughts and your very helpful re-wording of the pitch, Alayne! I'm sure it will be useful to Carol.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Yes, Teresa, I did help myself to extra chocolate - 4 helpings, actually, one for each sting :) Thanks so much for your thoughts for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  40. The stings are fine, but the hornets apparently got their comeuppance - I went near (but not past!) the nest yesterday and something had bashed it totally open and it was hanging in ruins with the poor little hornets circling in bewilderment. I really felt bad for them. They worked so hard and now their home is destroyed :( Thanks so much for your thoughts for Carol, Joanna!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I'm only great at multi-tasking in a hornet emergency, Catherine :) And I'm sorry not to have hilarious footage for you! :) Thanks so much for your thoughts for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Thank you everyone so much. It's amazing how everyone can find something new to add that no one else has said. I received tons of good advice that I will take to heart. I just ran across this quote today by Thomas Jefferson. "The
    most valuable talent is that of never using two words when one will do."
    And I offer a special thanks to Susanna for this opportunity. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (This is one place were six words are better than three.) :-)

    ReplyDelete
  43. I have to agree, Nancy! It was awfully early for that kind of behavior! And hmm... eau de cologne I don't have... maybe it was my coconut shampoo that upset them :)

    ReplyDelete
  44. Thanks for your comments for Ms. Iverson, Erik! And DONUTS! Why didn't I think of that immediately? You are so right. I shall go out and forage for some chocolate donuts right now. You should probably be a doctor when you grow up :)

    ReplyDelete
  45. Oh, Robyn! I love your description! "Depraved, pernicious, loathsome" - that describes them perfectly :) And don't feel bad for chuckling. I would have chuckled at me too if I could have seen me :) Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Thank you for the hugs, Linda - I feel better! :) And thanks for your thoughtful comments for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Yes, exactly, Angela! Without provocation! I would agree with you that someone else might have bothered them, except it was so early in the morning, and it was out in the middle of the woods with no one around! Maybe a raccoon or something... who knows?
    I like the idea of a merry jig, but I should warn you, I am not what one would call "good at dancing" :) We can be walruses together :)
    Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Well, all's well that ends well, Iza... The stings are mostly a thing of the past at this point, and the book will be along in due time. The illustrator had a baby :) so that's lovely :) Thanks so much for your very thoughtful and helpful suggestions for Carol!

    ReplyDelete
  49. Thank YOU for bravely sharing your pitch - it is a learning experience for all of us. And on behalf of everyone, thank you for the 6 words :)

    ReplyDelete
  50. Sorry to hear about the stings and the delay--but congrats on the new book! You knew about it, but I didn't--so I'm all going to be all positive and annoying and PSYCHED! Yay!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Eek about those hornets. I was thinking the same thing as you about the time and temperature. Maybe they're a new mutant breed. :P

    And :( about the delay in your book release.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Susanna, why did you not offer those bees chocolate??? I am sorry for you all around, and especially about the book release, boo. So, to the pitch: I love the name and the onomatopoeia, it makes me think this will be a fun book. Plot-wise, needs some conflict. Or maybe the conflict is there, but it's not in the pitch.

    ReplyDelete
  53. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikSeptember 26, 2014 at 1:05 PM

    I'll get right to work on getting my PhDonut! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  54. Ack! I hope not a mutant breed! They're horrible enough already! :)


    And about the book, it's okay. It's for a good reason - the illustrator had a baby :) - just hard to be patient :)

    ReplyDelete
  55. Thank you, Stacy! I didn't know you didn't know, but you've reminded me to embrace the joy of it and not worry about the delay :)

    ReplyDelete
  56. Sorry to join in late. For some reason, I'm not getting your subscribed emails or some other subscriptions to blogs. :( I feel for you and hope your bites are healing. Here, I'm miserable w/multiple mosquito bites. But yours must be 10x worse! All of us will help pass the time for your new book to arrive. :)

    For the pitch, I think it could use some more specifics. Seems a bit too happy. I know this is kinda late.

    ReplyDelete
  57. It's never too late, Tina! People can always come back and check and usually do. It is kind of you to come and lend a hand. I'm sorry you're not getting notifications! I don't know why that would be. Maybe try unsubscribing and resubscribing? Which I know is a total pain! But someone said that sometimes works... Thanks for your comments for Carol, and for your concern about the stings. They're all better - just itchy :)

    ReplyDelete
  58. Golly gee wilikers, Kathy! Why didn't I think of that? Oh. I know. I don't like to share chocolate with stinging insects! So I guess the stings served me right :) Thanks so much for your comments for Carol!

    ReplyDelete

I love to hear from you and try to respond to every comment. Please share your thoughts!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...