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September 25, 2013

Would You Read It Wednesday #106 - The Light Bulb And The Lab Coat (PB) PLUS The August Pitch Pick Winner!


Do you know what time it is?

It's time for Would You Read It Wednesday!

Come on down, everybody!

There are still a few seats in the front row.

Don't worry.  I won't call on you unless your hand is raised :)

Okey dokey!  First, it is my pleasure to announce the winner of the August Pitch Pick and that is

LISA! with her pitch for The Golden Egg!

Congratulations, Lisa!  Your pitch is already on its way to editor Erin Molta for her thoughts!  And congratulations to all our brave pitchers.  You all did a wonderful job!  And thank you to all our stalwart voters without whom a winner would not be possible.  You are all lovely! :)

Speaking of snacks...

Oh.  We weren't?

Well, we are now :)

So, speaking of snacks, today, thanks to the lovely Kathy, we have the perfect Something Chocolate!  Chocolate Peanut Butter Bars!  Allow me to wax poetic about their many virtues:

1. Plenty of chocolate (obviously!) which, as I keep reminding you, is a vegetable since it is derived from a bean.  = Health Food!

2. Plenty of peanut butter, which is an excellent source of protein, so important for fueling our brains for a long day of writing.

3. People often refer to peanut butter as PB (as in PB&J) and here we are in the world of picture books - also PBs!!!  Coincidence?????  I don't THINK so!

Let's eat some and see if we all have an amazing-better-than-usual-brilliantly-productive PB writing day!

Now that our mouths are all full (glass of milk anyone?) today's pitch comes to us from Donna.  Donna is the author/illustrator of children's picture book, LUCCI- THE NO SMOOCHIE POOCHIE.  She loves kids, books and animals, but most of all, kids' books about animals. She lives, writes, and pursues learning the craft out in beautiful Central Texas Hill Country with a husband and a menagerie.  You can find her online at:
Blog- http://donnalsadd.wordpress.com
Twitter- https://twitter.com/DonnaLSadd
Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/DonnaLSadd
Amazon AuthorPage- http://www.amazon.com/Donna-L.-Sadd/e/B006X1KOII/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1
Pinterest- http://pinterest.com/donnalsadd/

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: The Light Bulb And The Lab Coat
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 8-12)
The Pitch: What if a bird building her nest was responsible for Thomas Edison's first successful light bulb? My story finds Edison and his associates up against the clock and investors' expectations to deliver an incandescent bulb, capable of bringing safe, economical light to homes. Mr. Edison befriends an orphan robin by providing it a home in his lab, and the robin, in turn, provides the inventor companionship, inspiration and the answer to his quest. The Light Bulb and the Lab Coat, intended for ages 8 - 12, combines a small 'element' of fiction with factual information to elicit a child's sense of wonder, and what could be a complex process becomes a fun read.

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Donna improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in January so you've got a little time to polish up your pitches and send yours for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Donna is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to announcing a writing contest pretty soon...  Maybe next week! :)

Alrighty folks.  That's it for today's show.  Please tune in Friday, same bat time, same bat station!

Have a wonderful Wednesday! :)

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62 comments:

  1. Tina ChoSeptember 25, 2013 at 7:53 AM

    Yes, I'd read it. I love that it's nonfiction, Donna, and I like your alliterated title. I do think you should delete the question and restate it and also bring down the word count. I'm not the greatest at pitches, but maybe something like this: Discover how a bird building her nest is responsible for Thomas Edison's first successful light bulb in The Light Bulb and the Lab Coat. Elements of fiction and factual information show how an inventor races against the clock to deliver light to homes.

    I made some Scotcheroos a few days ago, Susanna, that look almost like the photo :)

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  2. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 8:22 AM

    Thanks for taking a moment with it, Tina. Yes, I've learned starting with a question is usually a no-no, and it does look a bit long-winded to me now. I think you did a succinct job at shortening my word count and adding immediacy, thank you!

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  3. Wendy GreenleySeptember 25, 2013 at 8:41 AM

    Yes, I'd read it. I'm a nerd so lab coats would pull me in. That said, the title doesn't seem to match the pitch. I'm not sure if the robin, or Edison, is the main character. I love the way Tina shortened the pitch, so no comments there!

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  4. Teresa RobesonSeptember 25, 2013 at 9:09 AM

    Congrats to Lisa on her pitch win!

    I think Donna has crafted a lovely story and very nice pitch. I also agree with Tina that the question could be eliminated to make it pithier. In

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  5. Kirsten LarsonSeptember 25, 2013 at 9:18 AM

    Donna, this sounds like a fascinating story. My only suggestion would be that your pitch needs to be shortened and tightened up so it's only two sentences. Here are some thoughts: "When Thomas Edison faces a tight deadline to deliver the first incandescent lightbulb,Mr. he befriends an orphaned robin, who reciprocates with companionship, inspiration and the answer to his quest." Then you might give a line that hints at some of the action the reader will find. Also, I would just tell editors that this is "historical fiction" so they can better understand its genre.


    Good luck with this one. I would definitely pull it off the shelf!

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  6. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 9:22 AM

    Hi Wendy, thanks for commenting. Edison is the main character.

    I think I should point something out for this entry. When I wrote the story and the pitch, the 'element' of fiction is the robin who interacts in the story by pulling cotton
    threads (the filament Edison used) from a lab coat to build her nest in the rafters. I have since made the robin a second visual story, to keep the text factual.


    I wonder if I could ask your opinions on how one would weave a pitch to show a duel story.

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  7. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 9:25 AM

    Thanks for your kind input, Teresa. Did you leave a peanut butter bar on the window sill for me like we planned? ;0)

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  8. Wendy LawrenceSeptember 25, 2013 at 10:30 AM

    Yes! Love, love, love it. I love birds. I love science. I love lab coats. How could i NOT read this book? I do think the pitch could be tightened. Suggestions (as done in a minute or two and using only your words) :) I think you could delete even more (do you need safe and economical?) Good luck!: Thomas Edison is up against the clock trying to deliver an incandescent bulb that will bring safe, economical light to homes. While working, Edison invites an orphan robin back to his lab and the robin proves an inspiring friend! The Light Bulb and the Lab Coat, intended for ages 8 - 12, combines a small 'element' of fiction with facts to elicit a child's sense of wonder, and a complex process becomes a fun read.

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  9. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    Thanks for your excellent suggestions for Donna, Wendy! :)

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  10. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 11:33 AM

    Thanks for your encouragement for Donna, Catherine! And YUM! You really can't go wrong with chocolate and peanut butter :)



























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  11. Pam BrunskillSeptember 25, 2013 at 11:51 AM

    Yes! I would read it! It sounds super cute, Donna. I agree with others to shorten it a bit, but it's good. I'd play around with it a little, but I like where Tina and Wendy were going with it. I love the 'element' line! :) Good luck!

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  12. Joanna MarpleSeptember 25, 2013 at 11:54 AM

    YUM! YUM!


    Donna, this feels a little bit more like the opening paragraph of a query letter than a pitch. I think it needs condensing as others have said. I think I'd also pitch it as historical fiction. I think I might also put the upper age as 11. Fascinating story!

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  13. Patricia TiltonSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:08 PM

    Donna, yes I would read it. I love historical fiction. I share similar thoughts about condensing your pitch. Kristen did an excellent job of bringing all your points together. I wondered how a robin could help, and she includes that element. Sounds like a good read for kids.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:23 PM

    Hee, hee, glad you liked the 'element' reference, Pam. The plan is to definitely fiddle with everyone's kind suggestions on wording, and shorten it. Thanks for commenting.

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  15. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:39 PM

    Thanks so much for your helpful thoughts for Donna, Joanna! Have another chocolate PB bar :)

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  16. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:40 PM

    Thanks so much for chiming in for Donna, Pam! :)

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  17. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:41 PM

    Thanks so much for your helpful and encouraging comments for Donna, Pat! :)




























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  18. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:42 PM

    Thanks so much for your very helpful and constructive comments for Donna, Kirsten!

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  19. Cheryl SecombSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:42 PM

    Yes, I would read it. It's delightful! It sounds like a sweet story and also educational. (And I LOVE the title of your other book: Lucci - The No Smoochie Poochie!) :-) Good luck with this, Donna!

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  20. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    Thanks for your helpful thoughts for Donna, Teresa! And don't even try sneaking off with the whole platter! Didn't your mother teach you to share? Don't make me break out the ECP! :)

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  21. Cheryl SecombSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    Congratulations, Lisa, on winning the August Pitch Pick! :-)

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  22. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:45 PM

    Thanks so much for your enthusiasm for Donna, Cheryl! We don't call you Cheryl Sunshine for nothing :)

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  23. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:52 PM

    Gotcha, Joanna. Honestly, it would be the first para of my query. I think I got confused somewhere. If I were verbally pitching: "As Edison races against the clock to find a filament material that will make a bulb burn for a very long time, the antics of a little bird might have shed light on the answer that was under the inventor's nose all along." Thank you!

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  24. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 12:59 PM

    Thank you so much for your very helpful impressions for Donna, Wendy!




























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  25. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 1:01 PM

    Thanks so much for your very helpful suggestions for Donna, Tina! And I don't know what a Scotcheroo is... except it sounds like there's butterscotch involved - YUM - but I think I'm going to be needing that recipe! :)

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  26. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 2:26 PM

    Thanks for you input, Patricia. I sure would like to have someone read the story who likes historical fiction. ;0)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 2:27 PM

    I appreciate your kind comments, Cheryl! :0)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Stacy CouchSeptember 25, 2013 at 3:22 PM

    Nice chocolate-y treat! Down to my last choc in my box o' chocolates--peanut butter. Wanted to save it for later, but now...:)

    You have such a creative take on Edison, Donna! Tina and several others have offered great advice for a pitch, verbal or written. My only other advice would be to look at the book jackets of similar books. The first line often doubles as a phenomenal pitch.

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  29. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 3:55 PM

    That's a great suggestion, Stacy, thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  30. coleen patrickSeptember 25, 2013 at 4:30 PM

    A bird and Mr. Edison--I love the idea! Very intriguing, for sure I'd read. :) As sure as I'd eat those pb and choc treats!

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  31. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 4:40 PM

    Thanks, Coleen; I appreciate your popping in to read it!

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  32. Laura Purdie SalasSeptember 25, 2013 at 5:20 PM

    I would read it, but for the pitch, I think I would just call it a fictional pb based on fact. (Or, better yet, leave out the fiction--OK, that's just my prejudice--I think this sounds amazing as pure nonfiction!) And I would change "and what could be a complex process becomes a fun read" to something less intimidating, like "shares the story of Edison's scientific breakthrough in an engaging, accessible narrative." I also wanted the title to reflect the bird--that's really the hook. I stink at titles, but maybe something like, The Early Bird Gets the Light Bulb...

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  33. JulieSeptember 25, 2013 at 5:35 PM

    Congratulations, Lisa!

    Hi Donna - I'd pick this up based on the title! But just looking at the length tells me it needs to be tightened as a stand-alone pitch. Here is my attempt:

    An orphaned robin inspires Thomas Edison and his associates as they work against the clock - and investors' expectations - to create an incandescent bulb, capable of bringing safe, economical light to homes everywhere.

    Use these lines in the opening paragraph of your cover letter: The Light Bulb and the Lab Coat, intended for ages 8 - 12, combines an element of fiction with factual information to elicit a child's sense of wonder and bring insight to an invention that changed the world forever. (or some such dramatic line!)

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  34. Kirsti CallSeptember 25, 2013 at 5:40 PM

    I'd read it, but I would make the pitch shorter and pithier:) This sounds like a lot of fun!

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  35. Janet JohnsonSeptember 25, 2013 at 5:51 PM

    I really love the concept of your book, but the pitch is a little dry. I would read it because I love the concept so much, but maybe tighten it up and really focus on the fun concept of the time crunch and the bird saving the day. Best of luck with this! Such a great idea. :)



    And Susanna, those bars look yum! I've always loved the multiple meanings of PB. :D

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  36. RosiSeptember 25, 2013 at 6:13 PM

    I absolutely would read it. Fun concept. I would lose the first sentence of the pitch and the first three words of the second sentence and start with "Edison and his associates..." I am also a little worried about the 8-12 years old for audience. This sound more like a 6-8 year-old read to me. But good luck with this, Donna.

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  37. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 6:47 PM

    I love it as pure nonfiction, Laura! With the robin as a 2nd visual, the rest is completely factual...right up to Edison's dialog. Not too shabby on the title, that might just tie it up in a bow! Thanks so much! :0)

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  38. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 6:50 PM

    Oh, this is great advice, Julie! I appreciate the time you took to help me with my pitch. :0)

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  39. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 6:50 PM

    Gotcha, Kirsti, thanks! :0)

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  40. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikSeptember 25, 2013 at 6:51 PM

    *smacks chops* yummy chocolate peanut butter...
    I'd read the book. I think this is such a cool idea for a story! Hmm... With out restating others, I would get rid of the "My story" part. Good luck with the book, Ms. Sadd!

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  41. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 6:54 PM

    After reading everyone's comments, I think you hit the nail on the head about the pitch being too dry, Janet. I will certainly try to work in the 'fun'. Thank you! :0)

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  42. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 6:56 PM

    I appreciate your kind suggestions, Rosi, I will look into the age appropriateness again, as you are not the first person to question it.

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  43. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 6:59 PM

    Thanks for chiming in, Erik. Boy, would I like to hear your take on it before I send it off! I hope your release is going well and I'll get on the ball with tweeting about it...tomorrow. ;0)

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  44. KathySeptember 25, 2013 at 7:39 PM

    Well, I can't help with making the pitch much better because pitches and me are enemies right now..lol
    But, I would read it :)

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  45. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 7:42 PM

    Thanks for popping in anyway, Kathy! ;0)

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  46. Donna L SaddSeptember 25, 2013 at 7:45 PM

    Susanna,

    Thank you for having me and thank you all for your generous comments. I'm off to a webinar, but I certainly will be back to read your smart comments. What a great experience!

    Congratulations, Lisa!

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  47. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 8:32 PM

    Thanks so much for your comments for Donna, Janet! And you know what? I never noticed the double meaning of PB until last night when I was writing this post! How dimwitted am I? :)



























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  48. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 8:33 PM

    Thanks so much for chiming in for Donna, Kirsti! :)




























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  49. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 8:34 PM

    Wow, Julie! Thanks so much for your very excellent suggestions for Donna! :)




























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  50. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 8:36 PM

    Thanks so much for your very helpful suggestions for Donna, Laura!




























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  51. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 8:38 PM

    Thanks for chiming in for Donna, Coleen! And help yourself to as many Chocolate PB bars as you like :)

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  52. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 25, 2013 at 8:39 PM

    Great advice, Stacy, thanks! And help yourself to another choc and pb bar :)

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  53. pennyklostermannSeptember 25, 2013 at 11:37 PM

    I'm traveling, but so hooked on reading pitches and having something chocolate on Wednesdays that I had to drop by and check out the goings on. I'm having the chocolate peanut butter bars for a bedtime snack.

    Congrats to Lisa.

    I love the title of your story and agree that the pitch needs to be shortened. You have so many excellent comments on strengthening your pitch that I can't think of anything to add. I would definitely read your book.

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  54. Teresa RobesonSeptember 26, 2013 at 9:52 AM

    Of course, Donna! ;)

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  55. Teresa RobesonSeptember 26, 2013 at 9:54 AM

    Mom taught me to share all too well...so occasionally I like to play rebellious daughter. ;)

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  56. Lauri MeyersSeptember 26, 2013 at 10:48 AM

    Donna- sounds like a great story, and I would read it. The title doesn't mesh with the pitch though - where's the robin? For the pitch, I'd say aim for tighter. Suggestions:


    Edison is up against the clock and investors' expectations to invent an incandescent bulb, capable of bringing safe, economical light to homes. When Mr. Edison provides an orphan robin a home in his lab, the robin inspires the answer to his quest.


    I'm not sure what the right way to say "non-fiction with narrative story arc" is. I'll have to scroll through the comments to see if someone has the answer to that!

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  57. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 26, 2013 at 12:04 PM

    Thanks for your very helpful suggestions for Donna, Lauri!

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  58. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 26, 2013 at 12:05 PM

    Thanks so much for stopping by to help Donna, Penny, even though you are traveling! That is dedication! Have another chocolate peanut butter bar as a reward and enjoy your travels! :)

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  59. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 26, 2013 at 12:08 PM

    Alrighty. Well I've got my eye on you. And the ECP is near to hand just in case! :)

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  60. Teresa RobesonSeptember 27, 2013 at 10:13 AM

    You run a tight ship, Ms Susanna! =D

    ReplyDelete
  61. Stacy S. JensenSeptember 29, 2013 at 11:40 PM

    Love the story idea. I know others have commented about ways to tighten the pitch.I heard both an agent and an editor at Albert Whitman say they are interested in these types of stories. Good luck.

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  62. Susanna Leonard HillSeptember 30, 2013 at 6:37 AM

    Ooh! That's encouraging! Thanks, Stacy :)

    ReplyDelete

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