July 24, 2013

Would You Read It Wednesday #97 - Fable Ranger (MG)


Golly gee whiz!

I took one and a half days off from blogging and I feel like I haven't seen anyone in ages!  I'm so glad you're all here this morning!  Let's have a chocolate feast to celebrate!  (And I'll put strawberries inside so it's healthy :))

Delicious and nutritious!  YUM! :)

Now then, first, I'd like to announce the winner of the June Pitch Pick and that is.....

.... ANDREA!!! with her pitch for The Backpack Secret!

Congratulations, Andrea!  Your pitch is zipping through cyberspace to editor Erin Molta and I'm sure you will hear from her shortly :)

And congratulations to our other brave and talented pitchers, too.  You all had splendid-sounding stories!  Thank you for sharing your pitches!

Next, let's have a look at today's pitch which comes to us from Angela.  Angela Brown is a lover of Wild Cherry Pepsi and chocolate/chocolate covered delicious-ness. [A girl after my own heart :)]  Steampunk, fantasy and paranormal to contemporary fill her growing library of books. With a full-time corporate gig by day, and caring for her rambunctious daughter - aptly nicknamed Chipmunk - by night, Angela dons her hat as an author after goodnight kisses.

You can find her here:

Angela Brown in Pursuit of Publishness - http://publishness.blogspot.com/


Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Fable Ranger
Age/Genre: MG Fairy Tale Mash-up (9 and up)
The Pitch: Swept away to the land of Fabricaasia, twelve-year-old Caesimilia "Case" Mollands is trapped unless the off-script fairy tales are set right. Armed with her favorite book of fables, legends and lore, and with Robin Hood and her new friend Charlie-boy by her side, Case sets off to find the wayward tales and make things right.

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Angela improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in August so we're about ready for some new pitches!  Send yours for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Angela is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to going to hang out with this guy for a little while :)
Cute, isn't he?  I am so lucky because my very generous friend is letting me ride him :)

(Although it might not be until tomorrow or the next day... My boy had his wisdom teeth out yesterday and I have a feeling he may be in for a rough day today.  We may have a Star Wars marathon on the agenda rather than riding!)

Have a wonderful Wednesday everyone!  I might see you Friday... or I might not...  Who can tell?  It will all depend on whether I have anything remotely interesting to impart :)

Happy reading and writing and thanks for helping Angela with her pitch!



Reactions:

67 comments:

  1. Haha! Love the idea of adding the strawberries to stay 'healthy' :)
    Angela's pitch definitely lured me in. I love the idea that she'll be using fairy tales to fight her way through. The only thing which confused me a bit was the mentioning of Robin Hood and Charlie-boy. I think it might flow better, if these were dropped - Robin Hood because the specific after 'fairy tales' is a little stumble block and Charlie because we don't know who he is or need to yet. But that's just my opinion :)

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  2. I really like the sound of Angela's pitch but I think it could be tweaked to become even better. I found the expression 'off-script' hard to understand initially and had to think about it. Perhaps that's just me though. I also think the ending could be a little stronger than 'make things right'. Perhaps it could re-emphasize that she's trying to make it back home?

    Susanna, that horse is beautiful. I hope you get to ride him. :-)

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  3. Short, sweet, and to the point. I like it. Maybe a line or two longer, but it states the story clearly.

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  4. This_Kid_Reviews_Books_ErikJuly 24, 2013 at 8:48 AM

    Have fun watching Star Wars! ;) Good luck, young Hill! ;)

    I would read this book! It sounds right up my extremely-long-alley-that-is-looking-more-like-a-road! I like the idea of Robin Hood (Black? ;) ) helping someone! :D

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  5. Congrats, Andrea! Susanna . . . enjoy your ride (as soon as your son doesn't need you by his side).

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  6. Rachel SchieffelbeinJuly 24, 2013 at 9:48 AM

    Those strawberries look amazing, Susanna! Enjoy your ride! I'm out to ride this afternoon, too. :)
    Andrea, this sounds like something I would definitely pick up for my daughter. It sounds way cute.:)

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  7. Yes. I'm a fairy tale fan, so this sounds very intriguing! Happy riding, Susanna. :)

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  8. I love the sound of this story! What a fun premise.

    The pitch was good, but I thought could be made a little more compelling in terms of what is at stake for Case, personally, by adding another mention at the end. Something like: Case must find a way to set the wayward tales right, and set herself free. -- that would reiterate her personal/emotional reason for doing this. Also, for me it brought up questions of what or who, exactly, is she battling against? How did she get stuck here in the first place? Is there an evil wizard or an enchantment that must be broken? It's a little too vague for me.

    I also felt that having two hard-to-pronounce words in the first sentence was a bit much. Consider leaving out the name of the the land (maybe just call it 'a mixed-up fairy tale world' or something) and also her real name - just call her Case in the pitch.

    I also thought Robin Hood needed more of a special designation rather than just being lumped together with her friend. Maybe give him his own clause. Maybe something like: Armed with her favorite book of fables, legends, and lore, her new friend Charlie-boy, and assisted by Robin Hood himself...


    Good luck with this, it sounds like a fun story!

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  9. My first thought was that the opening line contains 2 hard-to-pronounce names. Consider only using your MCs nickname in the pitch, although make sure her gender is very obvious. And is it important to name the land in the pitch? Could those words better be spent giving just a hint of what an off-script fairy tale might be like? I know you don't have a lot of wiggle-room in a pitch, but I think a juicy detail might be more enticing than including too many names.

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  10. Sheena-kay GrahamJuly 24, 2013 at 12:03 PM

    Maybe. While I love Angela and her previous stories have grabbed me just from premise alone. This one gives me pause. First off the title is very much one for small children. Which is fine but if this is to be MG that expands to include an older audience, then I think the title needs to be changed. I can imagine giving a child a book named Fable Ranger but not a teen or adult. Also the wayward tales scenario has been greatly overused. So I'll have to know more before I say a definite yes.

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  11. Would I read it? Ohhhh, Yes! I love a fairy tale mash-up. I also love a "Here I come to save the day" kinda gal.



    The ending and the beginning don't match up as they should. I had to read it again because I asked myself, wait, wasn't it stated that she was trapped? What do you think about having her free herself or escaping, something to connect it. I LOVE that Robin Hood will be along to help her. However, I think that particular sentence needs editing somehow. It reads as if she's armed with a lot of stuff and people and dogs. Maybe they're her trusty companions in one sentence and have her arsenal in another sentence. Nevertheless, I'm so grooving on this story. I'm excited about it! I hope you keep in touch with us regarding its progress.

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  12. What an intriguing story! I love this. It sounds like a book packed with fun and adventure. Yes, I would definitely read it.

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  13. Great story. I would cut it down a bit by taking out age last names and the Robin Hood bits, just stick to storyline. Wisdom teeth ouch! Have fun horseriding!

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  14. Armed with strawberries - ready to dip!


    I would definitely read this - I LOVE the premise! But if this were mine, I would trim the repeats and embellish on being 'trapped'. Also if she is riding off, flying off, or blasting off to find them, say so. Good luck, Angela!


    Swept away to the land of Fabricaasia, twelve-year-old Case Mollands is trapped (how?) by off-script fairy tales. Armed with her favorite book of fables, legends and lore, and with Robin Hood and Charlie-Boy by her side, Case sets off to find the wayward tales and make things right.

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  15. Ooo, pass the strawberries.



    I'd read it.



    Instead of naming the land, I'd say what it is - is it like Gumbyland. Cut down on the companions at the end. Robin Hood is enough to pique my interest. And like Julie, I'd like to know how the MC is trapped.

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  16. Yay, horsies!

    I love your kick-butt heroine, but would love more details. I agree with Carrie's critique, esp. defining who sent her there, the stakes, and what she battles.

    Perhaps you could start with what the antagonist does to Case. Ej.: When Mr. Nasty traps Case in..., she can't leave until...
    And instead of the three details about the book of fables, you could tell us about the baddest baddies instead.

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  17. Yes, it sounds interesting, but I'd like to know who the villain is. I suggest cleaning up the last sentence which is a little long and clunky now.

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  18. Thanks for your helpful thoughts for Angela, Lauri! And good point... I'd like to know who the villain is too now that you mention it :)

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  19. Thanks for your helpful comments for Angela, Stacy! And glad you like horsies too :)

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  20. Thanks for your helpful ideas for Angela, M! And help yourself to as many strawberries as you like - we have plenty :)

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  21. Thanks for your helpful suggestions for Angela, Julie! And you know you are welcome to dip all day :)



























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  22. Vivian KirkfieldJuly 24, 2013 at 4:47 PM

    Thanks, Susanna, for the delicious and nutritious breakfast fare.:)

    Congrats to Andrea...I loved Backpack Secret.:)
    Angela, I would definitely read your story...and it is the kind of story I would have loved as a kid! I agree with the others about tightening it up a bit...LOVE the Robin Hood reference.:)

    Susanna...I'm over at Sarah Forrest's Easy Read System blog today doing a guest post on phonemic awareness and how parents can develop their kid's skills with fun games during summer car trips.:)

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  23. Thanks for your 2 cents for Angela, Catherine! And I know - ouch indeed! He is a trooper, my boy. We're doing a Lord Of The Rings marathon :)


























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  24. Thanks for your enthusiasm for Angela, Cheryl! I'm sure she'll be thrilled :)

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  25. Thanks for your helpful suggestions for Angela, Pam! You should check out her blog - she has written a number of very interesting things, including a book called Neverlove which you might enjoy :) Your "Here I come to save the day" comment made me think IMMEDIATELY of Mighty Mouse :)


























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  26. Thank you so much for coming to visit and help Angela with her pitch, Sheena! It's very helpful to get different opinions. I'm interested that you find Fable Ranger such a young title. Does it remind you of Ranger Rick or something? I thought it was pretty good for MG... but then again, I write picture books :)


























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  27. Thanks so much for your comments for Angela, Vivian. And I'm so glad you told me you were over at Sarah's - I had no idea! I'll be right over :)

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  28. Thanks so much for stopping by to visit and help Angela with her pitch, Dianne! I'm sure she'll find your ideas very helpful!

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  29. Thanks so much for all your helpful suggestions for Angela, Carrie! You are the pitch queen :) And I have to agree - this really does sound like a fun story!


























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  30. Thanks for chiming in for Angela, Coleen, and for the happy riding wishes. We are currently involved in a Lord Of The Rings marathon, which is helping distract us from tooth pain. Hey, do you ride? Somehow it seems like you might... :)

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  31. Thanks for your enthusiasm for Angela, Rachel - I'm sure she'll be pleased :) And you're a rider too? Yay! I want to see a picture of your horse! :)

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  32. Thanks, Nancy! He's a trooper, really. (And I snuck out with my daughter and got a ride in this morning before he was awake :) Masterful planning if I do say so :))


























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  33. You are so funny, Erik! :) Young Hill says thank you :) And he elected a Lord Of The Rings Marathon over Star Wars today... Maybe we'll do Star Wars tomorrow :)

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  34. I could eat chocolate covered anything, but strawberries are especially good!

    Congrats to Andrea! :)

    Yes! I would read Angela's book! The pitch was, overall, very good. I think maybe just a few words about how she was swept away would be nice. Conversely, listing fewer things of what she was armed with would make it read more concisely. But, really, it's looking pretty good to me!

    Hope your son's wisdom teeth surgery goes well, Susanna! My son's surgery is now just a memory, thank goodness...especially after I tried to kill him with the wrong meds. ;)

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  35. Thanks for your helpful comments for Angela, Teresa! And help yourself to as many strawberries as you like :) Oh, no! A wisdom tooth horror story? What went wrong with the meds?

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  36. Thanks so much for visiting and pitching in your thoughts for Angela, Alex! :)

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  37. Thanks so much for your helpful suggestions for Angela, Cally! And I know - isn't he handsome? Of course, he's kind of a pest in the pasture. He bugs the girls, and then they bite him, so he's got all these little hairless bitemarks all over him :) Doesn't do much for his coat! But he will not leave them alone :)

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  38. Your opinion is very valuable, Tonja! Thank you for sharing it. One of the reasons Would You Read It is so helpful is because when a writer writes the pitch, they already know the whole story, so they know exactly what they intend. So it's very important to get objective, uninformed (by which I mean you haven't read the story) viewpoints so you can see if your pitch really works and makes sense.

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  39. I haven't since I was a teenager! Horseback riding always seemed to belong to one of my sisters. She loved horses, horse camp, and collecting Breyer horses. : ) I also have never seen all of LOTR, although it shows up in a funny way in my current wip. Hope the patient is feeling better!

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  40. My sister and I and one of my brothers were all horse-crazy :) Apparently one of us still is :) Thanks for your good wishes for the patient. He is soldiering on bravely!

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  41. I'd read it, it sounds like fun. However I agree with the others about needing to know more about the conflict. Who is the baddie, what do they want, what does the heroine need to do to save the day? It does sound intriguing though!

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  42. Thanks for chiming in for Angela, Sian! Very helpful :)



























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  43. Angela Orlowski-PeartJuly 24, 2013 at 6:58 PM

    I wish I could reach out and plug those yummy strawberries right off the screen!

    I would absolutely LOVE to read Fable Ranger. I find it intriguing that some "off-script fairy tales" are part of the story.

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  44. Thank you so much for stopping by to visit and help Angela with her pitch, Angela! :) And please help yourself to as many strawberries as you like - they're health food after all :)


























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  45. After a long day at work, I am THRILLED to stop by to see all the great comments with tips and suggestions for tweaking my pitch. I really look forward to working on this. With all this great help, I hope to tighten it up and make it even more intriguing. Thank you EVERYONE!!!!


    Hugs, Susanna, for letting me share my pitch :-)

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  46. Isn't everyone here just the best?! They are all so generous with their help! Thank YOU Angela for being brave enough to share your pitch, and I'm so glad if the feedback is helpful!

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  47. Everyone is wonderful! The feedback provided is amazing. I have a lot to work with so that I can re-work the pitch. And I'm eager to get started :-)

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  48. Heading over to Sarah's to see what you have to share. Thanks for letting us know, Vivian.

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  49. Right on point with Mighty Mouse, my dear! Thanks for recommending Angela's blog. Heading over there tonight. Neverlove. The title alone intrigues. Oh and I'll take a couple more of those straw...Hey! Their all gone? Noooooo, I've thought about them all day. BTW, totally adorable horsey. Quick recovery for you son. Ooooh, ouch!

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  50. Hope you enjoy the post, Pamela!

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  51. I hope you enjoy Angela's, Pam. I think you will. And I put out another giant tray of strawberries just for you! My son is soldiering along - so far so good but we'll see how he feels this morning - I just want it to be all healed up and over with! That horsey is adorable, isn't he? - handsome but such a goofy baby to work around and so mouthy! :)


























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  52. It wasn't really a horror story because the surgery part went as well as could be expected but I was supposed to give him Tylenol afterward and instead gave him aspirin which made him bleed more and for a longer period of time. :P

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  53. An easy mistake! Glad it wasn't anything too awful :)

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  54. I would read this. Sounds fun and exciting. With it being fairy tale oriented, Angela has the world at her fingertips. Anything can happen! I've included my comments within () below:


    Working Title: Fable Ranger (I like the title! It gives me the feeling our MC will be a fairy tale kind of superhero. Not sure if it's Angela's intention though. Just my thoughts.)

    Age/Genre: MG Fairy Tale Mash-up (9 and up) (I'd list it as lower MG or could it possibly be a "chapter book?" Are you thinking Junie B. Jones word count / vocab or Percy Jackson books word count / vocab?)

    The Pitch: Swept away to the land of Fabricaasia (I'd work the name of the land out of the pitch. Too confusing w/ complicated names, or consider changing to something a 9+ can pronounce w/ ease) twelve-year-old Caesimilia "Case" Mollands (maybe leave her last name out) is trapped ( Is trapped is passive. Try reversing for a more active description, then also tell us how she's trapped.) unless the off-script fairy tales (love the idea of off-script fairy tales!!!) are set right. Armed with her favorite book of fables, legends and lore, and with Robin Hood and her new friend Charlie-boy by her side (Consider reducing this sentence. It's a lot to take in), Case sets off to find the wayward tales and make things right (Think about "what if" she doesn't achieve this. What may happen in result? Consider adding a sentence about this.)



    Hope this helps, Angela!! Look at you exploring the genres of the children's lit world. Love it! ~Candi

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  55. Thank you so much for visiting and helping Angela with her pitch, Candi! Your suggestions are very detailed and thoughtful and I'm sure she will find them extremely helpful!


























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  56. I realize I'm a day late (and a dollar short?) but I didn't want to forget to leave my thoughts! I love the idea and my favorite part of the pitch is the name "Charlie-boy". I wanted more information, though, as I didn't understand what the story really was about. And I THINK I know what an off-script fairy tale is, but I'm not too sure. And do they need to be fixed in their own off-script way, or re-written to be back on-script? Also, I stumbled over the first line because of the name of hte land and the name of the character, neither of which I know how to pronounce. I would leave them out and just use her nickname to keep the pitch short and flowy-like. :) Good luck!

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  57. Thanks so much for your comments for Angela, Wendy! There is no such thing as late around here - your thoughts are always helpful! :)

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  58. Wow, I'm so thrilled my pitch was chosen! Thanks again, everyone, for your help in tweaking it to make it better. I got so many great comments that helped make it stronger.
    Angela, my vote is a yes for whether I'd read your pitch. I love mixed up fairy tales! But I agree with other commenters about simplifying the names. I love the idea of trekking off, "armed" with a book.

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  59. Congratulations, Andrea! Your win was well-deserved :) And thanks for your helpful comments for Angela - I love the idea of "armed with a book" too! :)


























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  60. Angela, your book sounds great. I too like the "armed' bit and Charlie-boy!
    Congrats to Andrea for her win!

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  61. Thanks so much for chiming in for Angela and Andrea, Rachel! :)

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  62. disqus_bENDymTlMvJuly 27, 2013 at 11:55 PM

    Love the idea! Sounds intriguing. :) I agree with others, needs just a bit more info and then it will be even better. Best of luck!

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  63. Thanks so much for your 2 cents for Angela, Meg! I know she appreciates it!

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  64. Stina LindenblattJuly 28, 2013 at 9:17 PM

    Love the pitch. I love mashed up fairytales.



    We don't get wild cherry pepsi in Canada. I think I'll stick with my Diet Dr Pepper.

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  65. Well... dare I say... it's probably a lot the same :)



























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