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March 13, 2013

Would You Read It Wednesday #80 - Phewie Hughie (PB) PLUS The February Pitch Pick Winner


Woo-hoo!  It's Wednesday!  And you know what that means :)

Something Chocolate!!!
Help yourselves, dahlings :)

Before we get started, I'd like to thank everyone who participated to help our young Jedi friend, Renn, get through his long days in the hospital.  If you didn't get a chance to see all the wonderful creations from our large-hearted community, please go HERE and hop through the link list.  Prepare to be blown away! :)  Just so you know, and can all send extra thoughts and prayers, today is the really tough day, but he will hopefully be able to go home at the end of it or tomorrow.

Also, I'd like to remind you all (and let's be honest, I'm reminding myself while I'm at it :)) that the In Just Spring Contest (details HERE) opens on Friday March 15 (that's in 2 days, peeps!) and the first place winner will get to have one of their picture book manuscripts read by editor Laura Galvin at KidsBooks (or, should the winner happen not to write picture books or want a read by an actual real live editor at a real live publishing house, the winner will get a writing book and gift certificate and the editor prize will go to the next highest placed finisher who wants it! :))  So I hope you're all getting your stories finished up!

This also means that there will be no Perfect Picture Book Friday link up this Friday because we will be reading the fabulous stories written by you! :) and there will also not be a new post Monday (so we can keep reading your stories) or a WYRI next Wednesday because we will be voting on who should win.  Hopefully we will actually get some entries for this contest or it will be a very boring blog week here on Blueberry Hill :)

Now, onto WYRI business!  Anyone need another slice of cake? :)

The winner of the February Pitch Pick is Wendy with her pitch for Why Fireflies Should NEVER Drink Soda!  Congratulations, Wendy!!!  (Apparently Wendy is the name to have - we've had Wendys win two months in a row :))  And congratulations to all our pitchers for excellent pitches, all of which were improved thanks to reader feedback.

Today's pitch comes to us from Denise.  Denise says, "I'm a lover of all things Anne of Green Gables and Maud Montgomery so am so thankful to live on PEI. I'm also a Christian mom of 4 wonderful children, all named for Lucy Maud Montgomery characters of some sort. When I'm not cleaning, baking, playing, I do get to go to Bible Study and take Rilla, age 7, and Emily. (boys aren't ready for that yet lol)... I think it's important that our kids go so they will learn more about God and get used to hearing about God, thereby loving Him more.  I also collect paper dolls.  My daughter is in the works of making some more clothes just for Phyllis, who's a very patient lass, she is :)

You can visit Denise:


Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Phewie Hughie
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)
The Pitch: Hughie loves his toots. The louder the better, but because Hughie thought everyone should love his toots, he had a hard time understanding why no one appreciated his wonderful ability until two children come to an important dinner and Hughie’s dad reminds him to remember his manners.  Mayhem happens after Hughie realizes he just can’t hold it in.   Will Hughie find a way to control his engine’s noise and find friends along the way?

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Denise improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in May so send in your pitches for your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Denise is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to the In Just Spring Contest (for which I haven't even begun writing my sample, so you can only imagine how dreadful it's going to be :))  I can't wait to read lots and lots of stories about spring, lovely spring!... so I really hope we get some :)

Have a great day, everyone! :)

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64 comments:

  1. Clarike Bowman-JahnMarch 13, 2013 at 8:19 AM

    Yes! I would read it. The pitch is hilarious! And sounds absolutely fun. However it is too long. If the conflict could be summarized in one short sentence it would be better although I can't give the sentence myself so early in the morning. The ending question is perfect, though.


    I'll go consume some chocolate. Thanks, Susanna, your desert looks just about right. And come back with a sentence for you. :)

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  2. Clarike Bowman-JahnMarch 13, 2013 at 8:30 AM

    Here is my pitch. Since Wendy already told why Hughie loved his toots it is not necessary to say it again after the word because so that whole phrase can be left out. And since it was too long I shortened it.

    "Hughie loves his toots. The louder the better. He had a hard time understanding why no one appreciated his wonderful ability. One day two friends came to dinner and . "Mayhem happened after Hughie realizedhe just couldn't hold it in. Will Hughie find a way to control his engine’s noise and find friends along the way?"


    This still isn't perfect but it's a start. I'm interested to see what others have to say.

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  3. delores @ thefeatherednestMarch 13, 2013 at 8:50 AM

    Cute concept but I have to say that I'm getting a little weary of fart stories....so....probably not.

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  4. Ruth SchiffmannMarch 13, 2013 at 8:58 AM

    I agree with Clarike. I think with her shortening suggestions, it's a good pitch. Not a book I would be interested in reading, but maybe that's because I had two very girly girls. My nephews would probably love it.

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  5. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 9:15 AM

    Thanks so much for your thoughts for Denise, Clar - very helpful. We'll look forward to your sentence after cake :)

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  6. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 9:16 AM

    Looks like the chocolate was successful :) Thanks, Clar - I'm sure Denise will find this helpful!

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  7. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 9:16 AM

    :) Thanks for chiming in, Delores :)

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  8. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 9:25 AM

    Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, Ruth! :)

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  9. Sue HeavenrichMarch 13, 2013 at 10:06 AM

    Thanks for the cake.
    Congratulations to Wendy & her fizzy fireflies.
    Now on to Hughie and his toots.... this sounds like just the sort of silly book that my boys would have loved when they were 4 yrs old. On the other hand, not having read the title first (I just dived into the pitch) I thought Hughie might have been a little engine ... and that would work for me too.
    I agree with Clar that shorter would be better.

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  10. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 10:16 AM

    Thanks for your very helpful comments for Denise, Sue! Enjoy the cake :)

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  11. CynthiaMarch 13, 2013 at 10:53 AM

    I think the pitch is funny, at least once I got it. I didn't realize it was about farts, I thought it was about him just making the tooting noise. Either way a boy would find that funny. I know, I have 2 of my own.


    The pitch itself is a little on the long side, it could probably be condenses a bit.

    Hughie loves his toots. The louder the better, but when two children come to dinner Hughie’s dad reminds him to remember his manners. When Hughie realizes he just can’t hold it in Hughie has to find a way to control his engine’s noise and make friends along the way.


    Just a working idea. :-)

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  12. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 10:56 AM

    Thanks for your very helpful suggestions for Denise, Cynthia!

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  13. Teresa RobesonMarch 13, 2013 at 12:28 PM

    I think body-function humor never gets old for little kids...especially little boys, and because I have two boys, though not so little anymore, I would read this book. But, as Cynthia says, I didn't realize toots meant farts until the very end (I did crack up when i realized it though), so Denise should make that a little more clear. If you're going to write about farts, you don't have to worry about putting it delicately. ;)


    I don't think the pitch is too long, though it could be shortened by a sentence and it'd still work well.


    And just an odd thought: for me "mayhem ensues" sounds better than "mayhem happens."


    Good luck to Denise!

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  14. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 12:31 PM

    Thanks so much for your helpful observations, Teresa - I know Denise will appreciate them! :)

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  15. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 12:32 PM

    Thanks so much for your helpful observations, Teresa - I know Denise will appreciate them! :)

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  16. Wendy GreenleyMarch 13, 2013 at 2:53 PM

    Thank you, Susanna, for giving us this place to work on our pitches. I'm excited to be last month's winner!

    For Denise-Hi!- The euphemism for farts is cute, but so many of us didn't get it on the first reading so I wonder if you need to say "passes gas" the first time to let us know what the subject is (I think the word engine is confusing). Perhaps you need to narrow down the focus of the pitch. Is the main problem Hughie understanding that people don't like it when he passes gas, that he can't keep his toots in, or that his toots keep him from making friends?

    Hope this helps!

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  17. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 3:03 PM

    Congrats on your win, Wendy - I think you've got a good idea there :) Your pitch has gone to Erin and we should hear from her soon. Thanks for your comments for Denise - very helpful! :)

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  18. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:41 PM

    Thanks so much, Clarike :) so glad the ending is ok, I was scared it wasn't right to end with a question :)

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  19. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:43 PM

    so thankful for chocolate! lol Thanks so much, Clarike :) Sounds great to me :)

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  20. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:43 PM

    Yes, thanks for letting me know, Delores :)

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  21. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:44 PM

    lol thanks Ruth :) My 7 year old daughter wasn't thrilled with it either, but says it's one of her favorites now lol

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  22. coleen patrickMarch 13, 2013 at 3:44 PM

    I can't "pass" on a cute and silly story. :) My kids always loved this type of book!

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  23. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:44 PM

    Thanks Sue :)

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  24. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:45 PM

    I think it sounds great, Cynthia :) Thank you!

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  25. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:46 PM

    I am putting it delicately, aren't I, Teresa? Gosh, I'll have to see about putting it right out there LOL!!! I'm a tad on the shy side ;) lol Mayhem ensues :) I like that. Thanks so much!

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  26. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:49 PM

    the main idea originally was a little boy who loved to toot... then I had to add conflict, so I thought no friends would be cute. so I guess now it's no friends because he's just a little boy who loves to toot :)
    Thanks so much, Wendy, and Congratulations to you! I love that story of yours :)

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  27. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 3:49 PM

    Thanks so much, Susanna!! :)

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  28. Meg MillerMarch 13, 2013 at 4:06 PM

    I have two little tooters so I got it right away! Sounds funny, we would read it. Definitely keep the word mayhem in the pitch if you do change it, great word. :D

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  29. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 4:09 PM

    thanks so much, Coleen :)

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  30. Julie Rowan-ZochMarch 13, 2013 at 4:18 PM

    I waited til after lunch, so I could look more favorably on the chocolate treat! Thanks Susanna - for the warning! And for providing a 'vase' so we could contribute to the wonderful blog-bouquet for Renn (yeah, I got all sappy there!). And congrats to Wendy! Now to the pitch!

    I thought the story is about farts, but then I saw it's about a train - no? Cute as it may be, I would prefer to know from the get-go what kind of MC we've got here.

    Hughie (the Train? Tugboat?) loves his toots. The louder the better. Mayhem follows when Hughie realizes he just can’t hold it in. (Add a funny, snappy reference to others reactions - possible loss of friendship? - not too general). Will Hughie find a way to control his engine’s noise and find friends along the way?

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  31. Julie Rowan-ZochMarch 13, 2013 at 4:25 PM

    Back already - Denise, as soon as I left here I went to read a post from Ed Emberly: http://www.michaelemberley.com/uncategorized/book-done-almost/ Check out the pics of the trains - when I saw them I heard - TOOT!

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  32. pennyklostermannMarch 13, 2013 at 4:49 PM

    Yum! I'm energized from that chocolate treat!
    Congrats to Wendy!

    Denise, I got it right off, too. I would read. I am curious to see how you would address the manners part by being showy and not telly. I think that would make or break your story. I agree that your pitch could use some tightening and excellent suggestions have been give in the comments. I think anything I would say would be redundant.

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  33. Stina LindenblattMarch 13, 2013 at 6:28 PM

    Oh, oh, oh!!!! (I'm whispering this so it doesn't sound like you know what. lol) That is one yummy-looking dessert. I want some. NOW!!!!


    The pitch needs more conflict. All I know is no one likes the noise, but what does that mean?

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  34. nrhatchMarch 13, 2013 at 6:42 PM

    1. Yum! That dessert looks delicious.

    2. Looking forward to the In Just Spring Contest.

    3. Not sure about the pitch.

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  35. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 8:13 PM

    Thanks so much for your thoughts for Denise, Meg! :)

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  36. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 8:15 PM

    Thanks for your very helpful suggestions for Denise, Vivian! And can't wait to read your spring story!!! :)

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  37. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 8:16 PM

    You're welcome, Denise! :)




























    Denise Maclennan Bruce wrote, in response to Susanna Leonard Hill:

    Thanks so much, Susanna!! :)


    User's website
    Link to comment
    IP address: 142.177.124.49

    ReplyDelete
  38. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 8:19 PM

    Thanks for chiming in, Coleen! :) (BTW, almost done with Chapter 8 and still loving your book :))

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  39. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 8:38 PM

    Thank you, Penny, for your helpful comments for Denise - good points that I'm sure she'll appreciate. Glad you liked the cake - feel free to have seconds :)

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  40. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 8:42 PM

    Thanks for your comments for Denise, Julie. It's interesting how divided people are on getting the "toots" or not getting them. I'm glad you were able to enjoy the cake today :) and thank YOU for joining in our efforts for Renn - I loved your post (yes, I showed the videos to my kids and they got a kick out of them :)) and I've had the theme song from the Muppet Show stuck in my head all afternoon. Thanks for that. :)

    ReplyDelete
  41. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 8:47 PM

    You may have some, Stina - you may even have seconds :) Thanks for your comments for Denise!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 13, 2013 at 8:48 PM

    1. Help yourself to as much as you'd like!2. Are you going to enter? I HOPE so! Can't wait to read it!!!3. Thanks for your comment for Denise :)

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  43. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 9:47 PM

    thanks Stina :) I'll have to do some thinking about that. so glad Susanna is here for us :)

    ReplyDelete
  44. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 9:48 PM

    Thanks Penny. I sure hope I showed the manners part and not told it... but it's not really about the manners. It's just a boy who likes to toot, but no one seems to appreciate them... yet ;)

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  45. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 9:49 PM

    I LOVE Marie-Louise!! so cool this is her hubby :) Thanks Julie!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 9:52 PM

    I think that engine is going to have to go. He's a boy lol In the story, he loves airplanes and that's what the tooting is all about... the plane's engine noises. In the end, the toots are so big after mom's gassy supper that he literally flies around the room and stinks everyone out ... except the 2 kids. They do something surprising to Hughie :) ... I think the plane has to go in the story too. It seems to be confusing. Thanks so much for your help, Julie :)

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  47. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 9:52 PM

    Thanks Meg! I'll have to get you to read it and see what you think of the airplane part in it. Might take that out. So nice to see you here!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 9:53 PM

    Thanks so much, Vivian :) I'm eager to get this pitch worked on now thanks to all the help from you all :)

    ReplyDelete
  49. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 13, 2013 at 9:53 PM

    Thank you :)

    ReplyDelete
  50. Tina ChoMarch 14, 2013 at 12:17 AM

    Denise,
    I'd read this, and I used the word toot with my kids as well.I'd take out the part "but because Hughie thought everyone should love his toots." I also love Anna of Green Gables & going to Bible study! How neat you live on PEI!

    Susanna, the chocolate looks wonderful! It keeps staring at me like I need to go make something chocolaty now!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Patricia TiltonMarch 14, 2013 at 12:35 AM

    Denise - Yes, I would read this. I was laughing while reading. Enough people gave you suggestions, but this is a lot of fun. I could see part 2 with belching.

    Congratulations Wendy.


    Susanna, hope I'm back up and running now.

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  52. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 14, 2013 at 5:57 AM

    Thanks for your comments, Tina - and how nice that you and Denise have so much in common :) Hope you enjoy your chocolate, and hope I'll see a contest entry from you! :)



























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    Denise,
    I'd read this, and I used the word toot with my kids as well.I'd take out the part "but because Hughie thought everyone should love his toots." I also love Anna of Green Gables & going to Bible study! How neat you live on PEI! Susanna, the chocolate looks wonderful! It keeps staring at me like I need to go make something chocolaty now!
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  53. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 14, 2013 at 7:00 AM

    Thanks for your comments for Denise, Pat. And YAY! Glad you're back up and running!

    ReplyDelete
  54. coleen patrickMarch 14, 2013 at 1:05 PM

    Thanks. :)

    ReplyDelete
  55. Tracy CampbellMarch 14, 2013 at 4:27 PM

    Yummy chocolate.
    The posts for Renn were fantastic.
    All the best to everyone who has written a story for your spring contest
    I loved today's pitch. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  56. This Kid Reviews BksMarch 14, 2013 at 8:04 PM

    HAHAHA!!! I LOVE this pitch! :D

    ReplyDelete
  57. Elaine Kiely KearnsMarch 14, 2013 at 8:45 PM

    I would read this! It's hilarious! :)

    ReplyDelete
  58. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 18, 2013 at 9:55 PM

    Thanks so much, Tracy :)

    ReplyDelete
  59. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 18, 2013 at 9:56 PM

    lol didn't think of that, Patricia :) thank you

    ReplyDelete
  60. Denise Maclennan BruceMarch 18, 2013 at 9:56 PM

    Thank you, Tina :) We must be kindreds, eh? :)

    ReplyDelete
  61. Denise M. BruceMarch 22, 2013 at 3:44 PM

    Thanks Elaine :)

    ReplyDelete
  62. Denise M. BruceMarch 22, 2013 at 3:44 PM

    Thanks Erik :) lol so glad you liked it :)

    ReplyDelete
  63. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 23, 2013 at 8:58 PM

    I'm not entirely surprised :)

    ReplyDelete
  64. Susanna Leonard HillMarch 23, 2013 at 8:59 PM

    Thanks, Tracy! :)

    ReplyDelete

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