February 6, 2013

Would You Read It Wednesday #75 - Just Call Me The Kid (PB) AND Straight From The Editor

So, I was reading an article on MSN the other day that said (and I am seriously not making this up!) that it was good to have dessert for breakfast.

They announced this like it was an important new breakthrough, but I ask you - haven't I been saying this for years? in my own chocolate-loving way? :)

I believe I am smarter than the average bear :)  Have Something Chocolate, won't you?  It's for your health :)
And you are going to need your energy today because we have an action-packed Wednesday!

First, I am honored to say that I have received the Very Inspiring Blogger Award from the lovely and talented Tina DC Hayes!

I am so delighted to think anyone finds my blog inspiring!  Really!  It totally makes my day :)

Aside from displaying the award and mentioning and linking back to the blogger who gave it to me, I'm supposed to tell 7 things about myself.  You guys all know me pretty well, though, and I don't want to bore you, so we'll just skip that bit for now.  Then we get to the bit where I'm supposed to pass the award on to blogs I find inspiring, and for once that's easy because it's ALL OF YOU!  So help yourselves - you deserve it! :)

Now then.  Onward!

Next on our action-packed schedule, we have Straight From The Editor for the December Pitch Pick.

You will recall Kim's pitch:

Oyster And Pearl (PB) ages 4-8

Pearl is a tiny grain of sand that lives in the bottom of the ocean. She feels insignificant in her world and both envious AND enamored of the star that she can see far above her. As she sets her sights on joining the star, she encounters many challenges... until finally, one night, she meets Oyster, who helps her become a star of her own.

And here is Erin's helpful response:

Cute idea! I would make two small changes. One at the end . . .”who helps her become a star in her own right.” Because she doesn’t literally become a star and “of her own” sounds like she’s got a star. You want to get across that she transforms (like a butterfly) into something special a jewel of the sea – a pearl. And it seems odd that her name is Pearl but that’s what she becomes. I would give her another name or else it gives away the ending right away. Maybe something like Little or Tiny or something to emphasize the insignificance she feels.

I always find her comments so insightful!

Next (no rest for the wicked :) - go back and have another slice of cake if you need further fortification :)) we have today's pitch which comes to us from our friend Julie, whose previous pitch for Eddie Brick Visits The Aunts you may remember from December.  A scribbler of children's stories in between chores, Julie Rowan-Zoch has visited three continents, attempted to learn 4 languages, and has a 2-3-3-3-3 phalangeal formula in both of her hands and feet. (Though not yet able to get a good grip with her toes, she has been drawing with her hands since she exchanged a banana for a crayon.)  Please come visit her on her blog and view her beautiful artwork (some of which is featured in my PB writing course :))!

Here is her pitch:

Working Title: Just Call Me The Kid
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-7)
The Pitch: Pip the mouse longs to be a cowboy, and does his best to rustle up some skills. His mother gets kinda ornery though, as Pip’s attempts turn the household on its head. But that doesn’t sour his milk, and neither does the neighbor’s cat!  

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Julie improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  There are openings in March, so we could really use some new pitches!  It's your chance to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Julie is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!  I am looking forward to spring, which Phyllis has assured me is coming early and I plan to hold her to it.  Anytime this afternoon would be fine! :)

Have a great day, everyone!

Reactions:

86 comments:

  1. Great advice from Erin. The slightest tweaks can really add to a pitch.


    For today's WYRI, I would read it. Shallow reason in loving the name Pip. But that's not all. I can just imagine the shenanigans Pip gets into around the house that cause his mom to get on the ornery side.

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  2. delores @ thefeatherednestFebruary 6, 2013 at 8:26 AM

    Sounds like a fun read. It could be just me but I think the pitch could use a little more excitement.

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  3. Susanna, I've long been a dessert for breakfast kind of person myself, so I'm with you on congratulating MSN for finally catching up!


    Julie, I'd give your pitch a resounding YES, or make that a Yah, pardner. Love how you've integrated "cowboy speak" into the pitch & I am truly curious as to how a cat will affect this little cowmouse's dreams.

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  4. Yes! This is a perfectly polished pitch, Julie :)


    Susanna, my son Arthur agrees with you about chocolate as a breakfast choice. He has brownies on the menu today!

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  5. I love Pip. So yes I would read it. (I really like the pitch, so no suggestions). I'm a sucker for cowboy kid/mouse stories. I love cake for breakfast, but have to sneak it in before the toddler wakes up. :)

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  6. Chocolate Cake for Breakfast:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuamlBQ2aW4

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  7. An afternoon Spring arrival, what a delightful thought! But what else should we expect from this most inspiring blogger! Congratulations, so well deserved I am not surprised, not one bit!

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  8. This explains why I get up every morning thinking I should have tiramisu French toast. Again.

    I am not a big fan of cowboy stories, but YES I would read this. I love a naughty character, even if he's naughty by accident. I agree with Angela, though, and would like a hint or 2 or a detail or 2 about how Pip upsets the household.

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  9. Erin is helpful, as always.

    This pitch has great VOICE. I love it! I personally wouldn't change anything.

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  10. I would hope Enzo would read this too!

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  11. Thanks Joanna!

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  12. Thanks Patricia, and I think you've just given me another illo idea!

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  13. I've been wondering about a pitch hooking you in and how much detail could be too much. Thanks for the suggestion.

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  14. I'm glad you liked 'ornery', I've been 'on the fence' about it.

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  15. Heather - Susanna might need to use your phrase 'perfectly polished pitch' as a regular line for Wednesdays - or will she come up with...another hair-brained scheme!

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  16. Tiramisu French Toast? Do you have a recipe? Thanks for your comments, I'll be ponderin'!

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  17. I can already see the cowboy mouse. Very cute.
    And congrats on your blog award Susanna. You deserve it, and not just because you let me go back for another piece of cake. :)

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  18. Thanks Coleen - don't know for sure if the link will get you to him if you want to peek: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=310041832427176&set=pb.190458914385469.-2207520000.1360174177&type=3&theater

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  19. I love the idea of "rustling up some skills" - it evokes images of a lariat flying past the stove to hogtie the milk bottle. So I'm wondering: what's the first thing Pip does that starts the downward spiral into cowboydom? I can def. see this as a story! And I do want to read more.

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  20. we can have seconds?

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  21. Yes, I would read it but it does need a little something extra to spark my interest. A little more in the conflict area if possible. How does Pip upset the household for instance.


    I had chocolate cream pie for breakfast and chocolate covered almonds for dessert for lunch. Yum. so Glad to learn I am finally legal. :)


    Congrats on your award Susanna. You are inspiring no doubt about that. :)

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  22. I'm at a bit of a disadvantage (or advantage?) here because I think I've also read the first 250 :). So I'm a YES. I did stumble a little over the last line of this pitch. I know what you mean by "sour his milk", but it somehow still reads literally, and then the second half of that sentence has me imagining the cat adding some sort of drops to the milk (okay, maybe I need more sleep...). Short story long, still a YES, just consider that phrase :)

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  23. My husband quotes this skit often when I tease him about what he gives the kiddos for breakfast on the days I sleep in....

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  24. I appreciate your the comments, Sue.

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  25. Thanks Clar, I'll be considering that.

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  26. Thanks for your input, Maria.

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  27. I saw tiramisu mentioned in the comments!!! Oh, sorry...getting side-tracked. ;)


    Yes, I would read this. Others have mentioned the 2 concerns I had about it: one is maybe giving a concrete example for how he turns the household on its head, and the second is about the souring milk expression (...it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the pitch somehow). But, overall, I think it's a cute idea. I also love the name Pip and I think the idea of a cowboy mouse (cow-mouse!) is adorable. :)

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  28. I also read your first 250 words and loved Pip's character, and his character also comes through in your pitch, excellent.

    I did stumble over ornery, it is just not a day to day word, and I even had to look it up (then again English is not my first language). And I am not sure if you need the word 'though' after ornery.

    I wonder was your use of sayings : rustle up/ household on its head/ sour milk - intentional? They work ... just wanted to know if it was on purpose ;-)

    A wholehearted YES from me.

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  29. Thanks Teresa

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  30. Yep, totally on purpose! Been discussing 'ornery' in my crit-groups too!

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  31. Love the idea of a cowboy mouse. Since I haven't read the story like others, I wonder about the second line about the mother. Would like to see how he upsets the household.

    Really loved Erin's response to Kim's pitch. Excellent advice.

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  32. I would read...yeehaw!!! I think the pitch is tight, but not so sure about the last line. I think the sour milk and the cat sound fun, but the wording is a bit awkward as it leaves me hanging instead of neatly wrapping up the pitch. This sounds like such fun, Julie!!!!


    Erin's comments were so clarified the pitch so well. Wow!

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  33. Oh my yes...Julie I would definitely read this...sounds like a fun story...can't wait to find out exactly what the little mouse does to turn the house upside down.
    Susanna...Erin's comments on Kim's pitch are very helpful...she has a knack for honing in one what needs to be changed (guess that's why she does what she does :).
    BTW, the cake is delicious...as you well know, I am in total agreement with dessert for breakfast...well, for just about anything. :)

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  34. Just took part in a 2 hour webinar that focused on using rich language with toddlers and young children...it grows their language and literacy skills and they love big words...we need to sprinkle them in to books and conversations.:)

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  35. Oh...and Susanna...congrats on your award! Much deserved...you inspire me all the time.:)

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  36. *wipes drool of keyboard* :D


    I love the idea of Pearl being called something else so not to give the ending away.

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  37. Thanks Penny

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  38. Thanks for your comment, Pat. I wonder though, how much I'd need to give away...

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  39. Thanks Vivian

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  40. I would read it! It sounds like a fun story and who wouldn't love a cowboy mouse! :)

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  41. Congrats on your award Susanna! :)

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  42. You are amazing, Nancy...thanks for sharing.:)

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  43. I would read for sure :) and I'd do a little change with the last sentence :)

    happy to hear the lovely news! lol

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  44. I love the idea of the pitch! It's great! Ms. Erin is very helpful! :D

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  45. Great pitch, Julie! I would totally read this.

    Just a couple of things:

    - small typo in line two ('as' should be 'at')
    - while the phrase 'turn the household on its head' is a good, descriptive idiom, I think it doesn't work here for two reasons. The first is because it doesn't feel particularly western or cowboy, while the language in the rest of the pitch does. Second, I haven't read the story, but I'm guessing that Pip is not actually trying to turn the household on its head -- he's trying to do something else (e.g. have fun pretending to be a cowboy) and in the process the household is disrupted. The way you've phrased it makes his intent seem more malicious than it probably is in the story.
    - in the title, I think "The Kid" should be in quotes

    Other than that, I love it. Great job!

    Working Title: Just Call Me The Kid
    Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-7)
    The Pitch: Pip the mouse longs to be a cowboy, and does his best to rustle up some skills. His mother gets kinda ornery though, as Pip’s attempts turn the household on its head. But that doesn’t sour his milk, and neither does the neighbor’s cat!

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  46. It's a YES from me Julie. I think your pitch is pitch perfect; however, I would alter your comma placement, like so...

    "Pip, the mouse, longs to be a cowboy and does his best to rustle up some skills. His mother gets kinda ornery though as Pip’s attempts turn the household on its head. But that doesn’t sour his milk and neither does the neighbor’s cat!"


    Well done!

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  47. Oh Julie it's a YES for me! Each of your sentences is cute and each on its own would be just fine. However, I wonder if there could be something that connects them all together? For example, why is mother upset? Maybe mouse's lasso-ing turns the house on its head and spills the milk. I'm not sure I'm saying what I mean in a way that makes sense. Oh I got it! A cowboy trick gone wrong that links all your cute sentences together. I think that's it. (insert grain of salt, here).

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  48. Oh and CONGRATULATIONS, Susanna! They got it right, this is an inspirational blog!!

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  49. Great to hear Erin's comments!

    And as for the pitch... HECK YES! I'm all for cowboy stories, but this sounds darling and I think she has put such a fun spin on the pitch it makes me want to read the book! Excellent work!

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  50. I wholeheartedly agree with the rich language! However as this is a pitch, I am just thinking that the word could interrupt the flow of the pitch, I think another word might just fit in better with the rest of the pitch ;-)

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  51. Thanks Leigh!

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  52. Thanks for the suggestion *looking at the salt shaker*! lol

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  53. Thanks Hannah - I appreciate 'comma sense'!

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  54. Thanks you Carrie!

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  55. :) Danke Erik

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  56. Thanks Denise

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  57. Thank you, Elaine.

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  58. I know, Angela - I am always interested in the things Erin picks up on! And thanks for your comments for Julie :)

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  59. Thanks so much, Delores - your opinion is very helpful! :)

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  60. It's good to be the smart ones, isn't it Patricia? :) Thanks for your encouraging comments for Julie! :)

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  61. Thanks for your comments for Julie, Heather! And tell Arthur that great minds think alike :) I WOULD have brownies for breakfast except we ate them all... time to make more :)

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  62. Thanks for your thoughts for Julie, Stacy, and the sneaking is easier before they get tall enough to see what's on the counter :)

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  63. OMG, Nancy! We are twins separated at birth! This is one of our family's all-time favorite bits, and we joke about it and reference it ALL THE TIME! :) :) :)

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  64. You are sweet :) And we're going to be sort of close to spring this afternoon - maybe up to 39 degrees!!! - but then we're getting a snow dump on Friday, so they say, so it may not last... guess I'll have to make more cake.... :)

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  65. Absolutely, Genevieve - it is your body crying out for a health regimen :) And thank you for your helpful comments for Julie!

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  66. Thanks, Joanna! I'm aure Julie will be very happy to hear that :)

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  67. I know you'd like this pitch, Coleen, because cowboys wear denim :) And aw shucks, ma'am - aren't you nice? You're blog is very inspiring too - I hope you take the award! :)

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  68. Thanks for your thoughtful comments for Julie, Sue! And yes... you can always have seconds around here :)

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  69. Thanks for your thoughts for Julie, Clar, and I'm glad to hear you're following a healthful diet :) You're blog is very inspiring too - be sure to take the award if you'd like it :)

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  70. Thank you, Maria, very helpful comments for Julie! And I'm glad to know another devotee of Bill Cosby's chocolate cake skit :)

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  71. Hmmm.... maybe next week we should have tiramisu for WYRI...! :) Thanks for your very thoughtful comments for Julie, Teresa!

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  72. Thanks so much for chiming in Yvonne - so helpful! :)

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  73. Thanks for your help, Pat, and glad you liked Erin's comments!

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  74. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Julie, Penny! And glad you found Erin's thoughts useful :)

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  75. Thanks for your enthusiasm for Julie, Vivian, and for cake :) Glad you found Erin's comments helpful, and I hope you'll help yourself to the award because I find your blog very inspiring too!!! :)

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  76. I'm going to send you one of those plastic baby bibs with the trough at the bottom :) (which I thought were completely revolting and my sister-in-law loved :)) And yes, I thought that was a very good point too!

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  77. Thanks for your encouraging comment for Julie, Elaine :)

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  78. Thanks so much for chiming in for Julie, Denise! And it was nice of Tina to give me the award :)

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  79. Thanks for chiming in for Ms. Rowan-Zoch, Erik, and I'm glad you find the editorial comments helpful!

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  80. Thanks you for your very articulate and helpful comments for Julie, Carrie! :)

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  81. Thanks for your suggestions for Julie, Hannah! Very helpful :)

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  82. Thank you for sharing your thoughts for Julie, Pam - very helpful as always! :)

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  83. Thanks, Leigh! I'm sure Julie will be thrilled to hear your comments :)

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