I hope you are all deeply impressed with my ability to render Spanish unrecognizable :) It's a gift :)
Surprise, surprise, guess where I am? If you guessed en el coche (in the car for our English speaking audience) you are correct! I may have to be surgically removed from Princess Blue Kitty come September... we are starting to have a very hard time telling where one of us ends and the other begins :)
Anyhoo, I know you are all champing at the bit to get to today's pitch, plus we have Straight From The Editor. Has there ever been anything better that Would You Read It Wednesday? But yes! The Something Chocolate that goes along with it! Of course you may grab whatever chocolate suits your fancy, but today I am serving chocolate chip pancakes because Wendy suggested them and they sounded like a perfect choice!
Here is Dana's pitch:
Working Title: CJ's Tiger
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-8)CJ has always dreamed of having a tiger for a pet, so he is thrilled when he awakens one day to find that his cat “Tiger” has transformed into a real tiger. However he soon learns that having a pet tiger is a lot harder than he imagined when the day turns into one big catastrophe!
And here are Erin's comments:
This is cute! But since most people realize that a pet tiger might be more difficult to care for than a cat, I think you might want to add at least one example of how catastrophic it can be. So, the first sentence is fine but then I would say, “However, when “Tiger” mauls her favorite scratching post to smithereens and swallows the steaks mom had out for dinner –whole, he realizes that having a pet tiger is a lot harder than he imagined.” Of course, using the scenes you were envisioning that would make the day a catastrophe :).
I think that is very helpful, don't you?
Now, it's time for today's pitch which comes to us from Kimberley who has worked as a literacy coach, elementary teacher, grant writer, public policy lobbyist, and Executive Director of Literacy Volunteers. She is a master in the art of moving and changing. She is concentrating on staying in one place, raising her children in Maine, teaching, reading, and writing.
Here is her pitch:
Working Title: Saturdays With Fish
Age/Genre: Picture Book (ages 4-7)
The Pitch: When Libby goes fishing with her stepdad he calls her “Fish”. The loud loud loud of the city is left behind as they head to the quiet quiet quiet of the pond. It is there that Libby and her Stepdad find joy as simple and warm as the sun, well, except when Libby accidentally hooks a bullfrog!
So what do you think? Would You Read It? YES, MAYBE or NO?
If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest. If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Kimberley improve her pitch. Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome. (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful. I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)
Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks! For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above. There are openings in Octoberber, which is not very far away, so we could really use some new pitches!!
Kimberley is looking forward to your thoughts! And I am looking forward to getting out of the car... if I am still able to stand up... and no, those are certainly NOT donut crumbs! :) See you all Friday for the last Summer Short & Sweet which is going to be tons of fun!!!!!
yes, I would read! I like that it's showing one of the many varieties of family--and I also liked the switch from the loud to the quiet simply in the pitch. :)ReplyDelete
Perhaps. I really like your last sentence in your pitch. In the beginning, I don't think it's necessary to repeat the words "loud' and "quiet." This is great that it's about a girl and her step-dad, specifically, rather than just dad. I can't recall any pb's with that detail off the top of my head. The last sentence makes the story sound fun. Maybe you can add a little more of that "fun" in a previous sentence. ??ReplyDelete
Thanks for your notes. I agree, I need to make the beginning sound more fun.ReplyDelete
Thank you for your enthusiasm! Many people also seem to like the step-dad part and the loud to quiet.ReplyDelete
I'd say Maybe. I like the premise of a girl & a step-dad trying something new together in a seemingly new place. I'd like to hear more about the relevance of hooking the bull frog.ReplyDelete
Hmm. They aren't trying something new together. It's where they connect and find peace doing something they both love. So there is peace and quiet fishing and then Libby hooks a frog by accident and some craziness ensues before peace comes on back. I'm not sure what you mean by relevance in this sense. Did that answer your thinking? I'd love to hear more. Thanks for your opinion!ReplyDelete
I'd read it.ReplyDelete
Does Libby's step-dad call her Fish on this specific fishing day and so the title of the story? Or, does something zany happen and so he nicknames her Fish? Just trying to understand your first line and how it connects to the title. It seems that is your intent. I like the poetic feel of "loud, loud, loud." If this is throughout the book, this is going to be a fun read. If not, you may not need it here. Is there a way to connect the first two lines? I wish I could offer a suggestion, but I'm unable. Having a story about a daughter and step dad is great. I wish I'd come up with such a new idea.
That's great. That's just what I needed. I know I have to work on it, but I'm in my own head to much. I so appreciate your time in giving me feedback.ReplyDelete
I say a strong maybe. To me the pitch is confusing. It starts out sounding like a quiet, relationship book and then ends on a funny note...but more of a silly-funny note than warm fuzzy funny note that would fit with the building of a relationship. A little more specific: The first line made me think I would hear a story about how she got the nickname Fish. Then the middle seems about their relationship. And then end about a silly/funny incident.ReplyDelete
I agree with others...I don't think you need to repeat loud and quiet.
The reason I say a strong maybe is because despite my confusion with the pitch, you piqued my interest.
Clarify your pitch and my strong maybe will be sure to turn into a strong yes!
Okay! Great thinking. Thank you so much.ReplyDelete
I think the twist at the end asks the characters and the readers to be ready for anything. Fish is expecting quiet and calm but is surprised. I would read this and share with student writers.ReplyDelete
That was what I had intended. Thank you for this.ReplyDelete
My toddler loves fish, and I would probably read her this book for that reason alone. I love the realism of the story, which would help children relate. And any humor you could add would go over well.ReplyDelete
I always liked (and still do) fishing. I would read this book. :) I don't see a lot of picture books with step-parents. That's nice!ReplyDelete
This story has me hooked (get it?!). I like the idea of the step dad and little girl bonding over fishing. Do they catch and release the fish (and frog)? Although fishing can be peaceful and fun and meditative, who's taking the hooks out? That scares me.ReplyDelete
Thanks so much for your helpful comment, Genevieve!ReplyDelete
Good point, Erik! Thanks for you comment for Kimberley!ReplyDelete
Thanks so much for your comment for Kimberley, Sidney. Very helpful!ReplyDelete
Poor bullfrog. I like the idea of a step parent book. The loud x 3 and quiet x 3 struck me, because it made me think noises are dominant in the story. My hubby loves to fish and my toddler likes to fish at storytime. So we're a yes.ReplyDelete
Thanks so much for your comment for Kimberley, Stacy! :)ReplyDelete
Welcome, Mary! And thank you so much for stopping by and leaving a helpful comment for Kimberley! Hope to see you again :)ReplyDelete
Thanks so much for your astute and helpful comment for Kimberley, Penny! You have made some excellent points :)ReplyDelete
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and helpful comment for Kimberley, Pam! Between you, me and the fence post, I have read this story and it's wonderful :)ReplyDelete
Thanks for chiming in, Patricia! :)ReplyDelete
Thanks so much for your thougttful comments for Kimberley, Tina! :)ReplyDelete
Thanks so much for chiming in, Coleen! :)ReplyDelete
Enjoyed Erin's comments.ReplyDelete
Pitch: Yes, I would read it. Like the idea of her step dad and daughter bonding. Don't see step parents in many stories. Good idea.
Kimberley, I can already feel the quiet peacefulness of your story. I had a couple of thoughts. First, the first sentence about the nickname seems ancillary to the pitch. I might cut it and focus on the meet of the story. Also, for the last sentence, I might reword slightly: until Libby accidentally hooks a bullfrog (instead of except when). Best of luck!ReplyDelete
Thank you so much Erin, those are definitely helpful comments! Looks like I'll be sharpening up my pitch! :-)ReplyDelete
For Kimberly: I would read it, as I like the idea of a picture book that involves a step parent & showcases the bonding of the step parent & the child.
There already are so many helpful comments already posted that I feel I don't have a lot more to add, other than maybe considering adding the reason why Libby's step dad calls her "Fish" in the pitch, I think it would be fun to know! Good luck! :-)
Good advice. I've logged the change. Thanks Kirsten.ReplyDelete
The picture of the chocolate chip pancakes was mouth watering. *giggle*ReplyDelete
I'd read this. My granddaughter and I were at the river yesterday watching folk fish. I haven't a pole anymore, but I promised her we'd attack her uncle and make him take us. So - to see your pitch today brought a warm smile to my face.
I'm not sure about the repetition - it sounded odd. I'd like to see Mom or Grandma take her, but I did like the step-dad. Please make sure you are consistent with capitalization.
I think the ending line is perfect. Great twist. I can see the expressions of daughter and step-dad. along with poor frog. An illustrator would have a field day with this.
Best of luck!
Thanks so much for your helpful comment for Kimberley, Kirsten!ReplyDelete
Thanks so much for your comment for Kimberley, Pat. I'm sure you had to jump through hoops to get it up here and I appreciate the effort!ReplyDelete
Thanks so much for helping Kimberley out, Sharron, and glad you enjoyed the chocolate chip pancakes :)ReplyDelete
Hahaha - very funny :)ReplyDelete
Kimberley wrote, in response to Dana Atnip:
Link to comment
IP address: 184.108.40.206
So glad if you found Erin's comments helpful, Dana, and thanks so much for your thoughts for Kimberley! :)ReplyDelete