As you'll recall, this week's theme is OOPS!
In the grand tradition of young kids who love construction vehicles, here is my entry:
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| courtesy google images |
Next up on our list of Friday Fun is Kimberly's Hooked On Hooks Bloghop. For this, you post the opening hook of any WIP in her linkylist and comment on at least 3 other people's hooks. Fun, no? Here's my hook for that YA novel I keep thinking I'm actually going to figure out how to write.... :
“What does one look for in an urn, Mr. Auchmoody?” Grandmother inquired as if she were shopping for a new appliance.
“Please,” said the funeral director, “call me Gerald. I want you to think of me as a friend in your time of need.” His benevolent smile beamed on both of us. “But,” he continued delicately, “if I might point out this one….” He picked up a box made of cherry wood, the rich grain smooth and shiny. It looked more like a jewelry box than a receptacle for cremains. “This is one of our best sellers. You can have it laser engraved with a poem or Bible verse or words that have personal meaning, or even with your loved one’s photograph.”
I pictured the box on our mantel, boasting a smiling photo of the person inside, and thought you cannot be serious!
Please share any helpful comments you might have - hooks are hard!
Finally, I'd like to let everyone know that the Pitch Pick for September will be posted Monday, so I hope you'll all come over and vote for what you think was the best pitch this month. Results will be posted next Friday. For any of you who haven't had a chance to read and comment on this week's pitch yet, please go here.
Have a great weekend everyone :)
Love the Oops theme. I could just post a picture of myself today, because I'm already behind.
ReplyDeleteI love the "bestseller" line. I never thought about how you "shopped" for funeral items until my late husband died. It wasn't a teary-eyed experience at all, because I was in awe of the shopping experience, options and add-ons as if I were buying a car. You've captured some of that in this hook. If you've never had to do it, it seems a bit unreal.
Love your YA hook, Susannah. So awesome that you combine a sad subject with humour. I'd love to read more. And funny oops too :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Catherine, you've successfully joined humor with a potentially sad and intriguing situation! That's talent! I love this hook, because it also has a hint of a man who might be more like a "used car salesman" than a consoling funeral director. But what I am most curious about is the Grandmother as you've definitely showed us she has her wits about her and isn't in a state of grief so strong that she can't think or see straight! Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteI keep having to scroll back up to look at that truck. I'm sure it wasn't so funny for the driver but it's hilarious from where I'm sitting!
ReplyDeleteOkay...so I'm hooked by the fact this lady, God bless her, is shopping for an urn with the dignity of a genteel darling searching for a dress instead of a container for the ashes of a dead person.
ReplyDeleteSome dialogue hooks are difficult to pull off but you use yours well to set the scene, letting us know that we're with a grandson/granddaughter, we're in their POV and something involving death is waiting in the wings.
If there's anything that I would mention, it would be whether or not you need the followng: “But,” he continued delicately, “if I might point out this one….” This added a sort of break to the flow. When I re-read it, excluding that little bit, it flowed smooth as silk.
Yeah, so uh...I'm looking forward to more of this story!
Stacy, Catherine and Kim - thanks so much for your votes of confidence :)
ReplyDeleteRosalind - I'm glad you're finding that truck as funny as I am! Also, please shoot me an email when you get a chance - you won the present giveaway!
Angela - thank you so much for stopping by! And I really appreciate your thoughtful comment - I will think that over!
Oh my gosh, what a thought! A photo on the outside - honestly.
ReplyDeleteThis is truly different, and I'd keep reading in a heartbeat. In fact, where's the rest of it?
Fantastic! I loved it immediately. Great voice and great way to open a story. I'd be interested to read more.
ReplyDeleteMarlene and Jennie - thank you so much for your enthusiasm! :)
ReplyDeleteOops! That's how my whole week has been. *sigh* Super hook! I really mean that. You have mixed humor with sadness. And done it well. I would definitely read on. Most definitely. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Robyn! That means a lot :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great picture! So did you take that yourself? How horrible for the driver. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I loved the hook, too. Well written and intriguing.
I liked your hook, laughed at the character's name, poor guy :) I also liked the personal tone of your narrator, it's easy to read.
ReplyDelete- andrea
Janet - no, I did not take the picture! But what a situation! I'm so glad you liked the hook!
ReplyDeleteAndrea - So glad you liked the hook! Thanks :)
My favorite part of this is the last line: You can't be serious! It REALLY makes me want to know who's going to be inside that urn and what your MCs relationship is to that person. I'm assuming it's not the grandmother? My only criticism, and this is a very very slight one, is that I can't tell what genre this is from reading the opening -- kids or adult? mystery? I'm assuming that would become clear as I read on, but I can't tell much at all about your narrator at this point. I love the grandmother's character, though.
ReplyDeleteYou have done a great job of subtly drawing out the defense mechanisms different people use in situations of great grief or loss, and you've made it funny! Not an easy task.
ReplyDeleteI loved your hook, since it has an element of the dark humor I love so much. I'm not quite sure of the genre either, but it probably becomes apparent later on.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE your hook! What an interesting point from which to start a story! And never knew 'cremains' was a real word till now!
ReplyDeleteGail, Julie, Carrie, and J.C. - thank you all for your kind words! Gail, I see what you're saying, and I guess I'll have to try to think of a way to make it more obvious. It is YA.
ReplyDeleteThis would make me want to read more. Even Grandma's question about what to look for has that hint of dark humor to it and our narrator's disbelief at the possibilities is great.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jane! I'm so glad you like it :)
ReplyDelete