tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post5119833694209424523..comments2024-02-25T10:47:13.049-05:00Comments on Susanna Leonard Hill: Would You Read It Wednesday #128 - Sammy Dougie Foxtrot: Look, Smile, Roar (PB) PLUS Straight From The Editor PLUS the March Pitch PickSusanna Leonard Hillhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17655630528649780363noreply@blogger.comBlogger69125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-69606393660570047422014-04-14T09:38:25.529-04:002014-04-14T09:38:25.529-04:00Erin's comments are very helpful. Sometimes we...Erin's comments are very helpful. Sometimes we try so hard to make the agent want to read more that we end up being too secretive. Great advice!Lauri Meyersnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-21473124705265688252014-04-11T14:32:51.069-04:002014-04-11T14:32:51.069-04:00Love the analogy. After reading your pitch, I thin...Love the analogy. After reading your pitch, I think would really like to read that story... oh, wait... that's my story : ). Thanks for the suggestions.Morgannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-61373889494018007562014-04-10T23:02:24.231-04:002014-04-10T23:02:24.231-04:00I think it sounds like a good story but the pitch ...I think it sounds like a good story but the pitch should be tightened up a bit, I think, to make it really clear exactly what the story is about. The words 'Boogie' and 'Foxtrot' from the first sentence made think dancing would be involved, though the rest doesn't sound like it is. The same with the line about dump trucks. In the line that says '...8(-)year(-)olds(') emotional literacy through the use of their imaginations', maybe you could show how their imaginations are used?<br /><br />Good luck and best wishes.Tina DC Hayeshttp://tinadchayes.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-73931687192057950482014-04-10T21:53:59.537-04:002014-04-10T21:53:59.537-04:00Thank you so much for your comments for Morgan, Br...Thank you so much for your comments for Morgan, Brandie. It is thrilling to have a children's librarian here to comment on pitches!!! :)Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-78650147027842597572014-04-10T21:52:13.168-04:002014-04-10T21:52:13.168-04:00Sorry, I'm a late. Mom duties called. I too ag...Sorry, I'm a late. Mom duties called. I too agree that the pitch would work better if it was shortened. There's a few different themes going on that make the pitch seem a little confusing. I think that it would sound a lot better if the author chose just one of those themes and spruced it up. As a children's librarian I could see myself giving this a look. Nice job! :)Brandie Reedynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-8907122453525802822014-04-10T20:37:59.203-04:002014-04-10T20:37:59.203-04:00Thank you so much for your helpful comments for Mo...Thank you so much for your helpful comments for Morgan, Michelle!Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-68508883316494227622014-04-10T20:26:04.781-04:002014-04-10T20:26:04.781-04:00I was intrigued by "even though the children ...I was intrigued by "even though the children in the playground look different" and wanted more specifics about that. I think the pitch would work better if it were about half as long. And be sure to change "it's dirt dumps" to "its dirt dumps" before sending to an editor!Michelle Hackelnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-38956348480722632692014-04-10T20:03:30.624-04:002014-04-10T20:03:30.624-04:00I'm glad if it's been helpful, Morgan. An...I'm glad if it's been helpful, Morgan. And really, I can't take credit. We are lucky to have such a fabulous group of smart, generous people to help with critiquing pitches. We all benefit so much!Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-1768483848412204672014-04-10T20:01:14.048-04:002014-04-10T20:01:14.048-04:00Glad you enjoyed Erin's advice and the cupcake...Glad you enjoyed Erin's advice and the cupcake, Vivian, and thanks so much for your helpful comments for Morgan! :)Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-31770745568728022662014-04-10T12:14:12.333-04:002014-04-10T12:14:12.333-04:00Thank you, T :)Thank you, T :)Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-16265511198693404082014-04-10T09:56:40.445-04:002014-04-10T09:56:40.445-04:00You know, Morgan, sometimes, oddly enough, it'...You know, Morgan, sometimes, oddly enough, it's harder to distill my short PB stories into a couple of lines than it is to distill the 50K, or more, word novels. The psych reports sound very interesting too...though not in the same way children's stories are. LOL!Teresa Robesonhttp://teresarobeson.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-18703864115000007372014-04-10T09:54:26.397-04:002014-04-10T09:54:26.397-04:00You are a fine hostess, Susanna! :DYou are a fine hostess, Susanna! :DTeresa Robesonhttp://teresarobeson.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-31774505193277003502014-04-09T23:09:05.364-04:002014-04-09T23:09:05.364-04:00Just loved the STEM girl pitch from Kristine...I&#...Just loved the STEM girl pitch from Kristine...I'm happy Erin came through with great advice....as always. :) The cupcake is luscious, thank you Susanna...and I voted, although they all sound like they will be excellent stories.<br />Morgan...you have a wonderful book here...and, as the others have mentioned, you only need to tighten the pitch. Penny and Kristen and others had specific pitch fixes that will give you great direction with that. Best of luck with the story...it sounds like you have a lot of expertise in this field...maybe you will do a series to help young children cope with the many challenges they encounter in their early years.Vivian Kirkfieldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-28028155472248931192014-04-09T21:32:20.645-04:002014-04-09T21:32:20.645-04:00Can we please leave with Pamela's comment? : )...Can we please leave with Pamela's comment? : ) Thank you, that really means a lot to me.I appreciate everyone's professionalism in regards to all the feedback. As you know, it is difficult to have others critique your work. Also, Susanna, kudos to you for gathering such a great group of people to participate in critiquing the pitches.Morgannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-19005332805305108922014-04-09T20:59:59.362-04:002014-04-09T20:59:59.362-04:00Thanks so much for your positive and supportive co...Thanks so much for your positive and supportive comments, Pam :) Have another cupcake :)Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-89287443819636657052014-04-09T20:50:01.645-04:002014-04-09T20:50:01.645-04:00Voted! That cupcake is yummy. It seems you've ...Voted! That cupcake is yummy. It seems you've gotten some great advice. It's obvious you're very good with words. Love your writing. Wish I could read the entire story. So I guess that makes it a yes I would read it. As lovely as your words are, I agree with everyone, too many. I can't wait to see how you tighten this up and intrigue us with an edited version.Pamela Courtneynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-57396040323251298162014-04-09T20:36:12.123-04:002014-04-09T20:36:12.123-04:00Thanks so much for your input, Kim! And I'm g...Thanks so much for your input, Kim! And I'm glad you enjoyed the cupcake :)Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-73594230278206574542014-04-09T20:22:44.571-04:002014-04-09T20:22:44.571-04:00I am playing catch up. Sorry for the late in the d...I am playing catch up. Sorry for the late in the day post but mmm so glad a cupcake was waiting! :) I am in the same camp as others. The story interests me but the pitch is confusing. I don't understand the boogieing, the roaring, or the trucks and stabilizer legs. It would be easier for a young audience to grasp a simpler theme. What is Sammie's fear? Is it stuttering? shyness? Is he a new kid and doesn't know anyone else? But I do love that he is willing to overcome whatever his fear is to get help for PJ. Keep going with this.Kim Pfennigwerthnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-88114207675642570272014-04-09T19:59:51.734-04:002014-04-09T19:59:51.734-04:00Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on the pi...Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on the pitch, Rosi!Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-53198078959029585412014-04-09T19:59:14.225-04:002014-04-09T19:59:14.225-04:00Glad you enjoyed the cupcake, Catherine :) and tha...Glad you enjoyed the cupcake, Catherine :) and thanks for voting and for your comments for Morgan!Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-3584346427518519212014-04-09T19:58:47.029-04:002014-04-09T19:58:47.029-04:00Thanks so much for your input, Keila! Very helpfu...Thanks so much for your input, Keila! Very helpful!Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-36150385319333272222014-04-09T19:58:24.035-04:002014-04-09T19:58:24.035-04:00Thanks for your very helpful rewording of the pitc...Thanks for your very helpful rewording of the pitch, Stacy!Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-59482037501797387362014-04-09T19:57:45.945-04:002014-04-09T19:57:45.945-04:00Thanks so much for your helpful suggestions for Mo...Thanks so much for your helpful suggestions for Morgan, Iza! :)Susanna Leonard Hillhttp://susannahill.blogspot.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-79264639230159905182014-04-09T19:15:02.277-04:002014-04-09T19:15:02.277-04:00I .thoroughly enjoyed indulging in that swirly top...I .thoroughly enjoyed indulging in that swirly topped, sweet treat with my afternoon tea, Susanna. Thanks!<br />Erin's comments are such that I can easily transfer some of her suggestions to my own upcoming WYRI pitch...I'd best get to it and get it to you, Susanna!<br />Morgan, I agree with most of what others have said already. I guessed that Sammy's last name had something to do with dancing, though I couldn't tell from your pitch how, or if, it impacted the story plot. Your "true meaning of courage" quote is what would truly hook me once the rest of the pitch is tightened up.<br />Good luck with your manuscript!Charlotte Sheernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1007703247358638748.post-19796146024527014962014-04-09T15:49:45.410-04:002014-04-09T15:49:45.410-04:00"I would simply stop at help."... me too..."I would simply stop at help."... me too. Help, help, help! : ) That's why I'm here today. Thanks for all the help.Morgannoreply@blogger.com